You don't want to have hang out with "those people"

Post Reply New Topic

so this was an...upsetting... conversation. basically, i have this weird habbit, i always wear my coat, ALWAYS when i go to classes. this is because my confidence and self conciousness comes into play here, you see im a very....devout never nude. so revealing my arms is even a big NO. but it also feels weird, and i don't like not wearing it, even on hot days. so this is the background to sort of put this conversation in context. my mother was trying to get me to stop wearing it as much, or even not at all, but the way she went about this was absurdly insensitive, she said that wearing the coat like that makes me "look autistic" and i shouldn't want to look this way because then ill only have "those people" as friends (she is refering to autistic people), that i should have normal friends because i shouldn't want to have autistic people as friends at all. i think i won the argument, i still haven't stopped wearing it.

my personal view is that i would love to have more friends, but not NT friends, i can't really connect with or understand NT people so id welcome other people on the spectrum as friends, their the best, infact its preferable. if wearing my coat makes me look how i am and thus attracts others with it, then ill wear the coat all the more. she forgets that I am on the spectrum, so it makes no sense why she'd have this problem.


am i in the wrong here? am i just being foolish, or is this a really weird conversation to be having?

If it's 90 degrees, it's really too hot to wear a coat. People get suspicious. Cynical people might believe you're hiding something under the coat (believe it or not).

I'm sure, in a college setting, you could find someone sufficiently weird (even though NT) to hang out with. If you preclude yourself from making friends with NT's, you're missing out on lots.

Even though the incidence of autism is "rising" (though only because of a broadening of criteria), only about 1 in 35 people have some sort of autism spectrum disorder. Thus, on a crowded NYC subway train, there will only be one autistic person in the whole car of 35 people. That's pretty rare.

I believe "weird NT's" can identify with autistic people, and vice versa.

Yeah, I think your mom's choice of words was insensitive, but she was basically saying what Kraftiekortie was saying. Despite alienating you by referring to "those people," she probably meant well, so instead of winning or losing the argument, why don't you consider that she might have a point?

That part reminds me of something.

My mom told me a story about when I was with my ex boyfriend *Jayden. He would always wear this trench coat. I never had a problem with it even though I didn't understand his need for it. But anyway it would be 90 degrees out and he would be wearing it and it would make him sweat and then he would start to reek of body odor so that is when people would tell him "Take your coat off" and people would move to other tables to get away from him. He hated when people moved away from him but yet he refused to take off his coat. It wasn't because they were judging him, it was because he literally stunk. I couldn't smell it obviously.

Also I remember hearing another story ten years ago by my mother about him that one time he was standing on my parents driveway and my brothers were there and their friends and they were working in the yard with burning trash. One of the friends sees Jayden in his trench coat and he asks who that guy was and my youngest brother says that is my boyfriend. My brother's friend then comments how creepy he looks and says if he had saw him in town, he wouldn't know if he would pull out a gun from that coat. I told Jayden this story trying to get him to understand why people "judge" him but instead he didn't like it and said how he is sick and tired of people "judging him" about his coat and he was saying "what the f**k." I even gave him a suggestion about only wearing it at home and around people he knows and then not wear it in public but he didn't like that idea because he saw it as changing who he is so I told him he had no right to complain then about other people "judging him" if he refuses to do a thing about it. That is like getting in the swimming pool and then complaining about being wet. I tried to be supportive but got worn out from his complaints because he never did anything to solve it. I had discovered my biggest pet peeve but I think lot of people have that peeve. My other solution was to quit caring what other people think of him then and just have it be their problem. They don't know him so their opinions of him won't affect him. But I had forgotten to tell him to just not wear it when he is out looking for a job or when he gets a job interview because he has to make himself look good so he can get hired but I didn't know then people judged you based on your looks and what you wear when picking up a application and dropping it off.

I think your mom wasn't thinking very carefully about what she was saying, but with regards to if you get too hot, I used to always wear a coat too, but my mom got me a couple of flannel shirts and I switched to wearing them like a coat, open over my shirt, and that made me more comfortable and my mom less worried. Although I think she was thinking heat stroke rather than fitting in. So that might be something you could try.

It's up to the individual how eccentric they choose to be. Naturally, the more unusual a person is, the smaller becomes the number of people who don't feel weirded out by them. But there has to be a core of people out there who understand the simple truth that if something isn't harmful, then it's stupid to object to it. In practice, one has to guess how eccentric will work best, balancing personal comfort against securing the co-operation and acceptance of others. Some groups of people are more tolerant than others.

I also wear my jacket in my classes, I feel safe when I have it on. When I don't, I feel very uncomfortable. It almost feels like armor.

plus the coat in question isn't a big heavy one, its a fairly light one to be honest, its like....imagine like a thicker hoodie but without the hood. and i dont wear an overshirt underneath so....i guess it isn't that bad, certainly doesn't make me start to uhh..smell anyway. i think to be honest this is the problem, that it looks "eccentric", which i like, makes me feel more unique i guess.


the main reason though that this conversation was bad was because she was VERY harsh against autistic people, calling people on the spectrum "weird and freaky" and that i don't want "them" as friends and shouldn't look like one (even though, news flash for her, i am one) and a bunch of other things...that i wont repeat, but don't worry they arn't like really bad words compared to calling a black person the N word or disabled people the R word . thats the bit that bothers me about it really, its that she said all this knowing that im aspergers, really felt very personal and it was so unlike her, felt like betrayal really.

exactly, you know what its like. and thats the word i was looking for, its more of a jacket then a coat...ish.

I wrote the below before I saw your last post. Regarding your mom- I think you should just open up a conversation with her and tell her how taken aback you were by her statement. "Those people" is a messed up thing to say. She must have been stressed out or not thinking. She will probably feel better herself if she has a chance to apologize to you.

Is it this a specific coat? Could you mix it up and wear different coat-like things and feel the same while escaping the notice of wardrobe-critical people? Like maybe to get light jackets that look like more a part of your outfit and less a functional clothes item? You know what I'm saying? Most of us have one or two coats. And which one we wear has more to do with how cold it is out. But other people know more about fashion and will change their outer garments to go with their overall outfit.

You could adopt more of a eccentric,"Helsinki street fashion" type look and it would take the attention off of the outer garment and make more of a statement that you are a different kind of person. That may draw more unique friends to you and put off types you might not want to be friends with anyway.

its like what W91T said, its like armor i guess, makes me feel more safe, and yes it sort of has to be coat and its specific to the one im wearing, haha my mother has tried making me wear different ones.....to no avail. i do see it as an issue, but not one that i can explain as to why i do it. i don't know, its like some kind of safety guard, ive tried not wearing it but it just makes me feel really vulnerable.

also on that note, she has apologized, she said she wasn't thinking and was just getting frustrated, i think she just worries that i wont have any friends or wont fit in, but i get the feeling she just wants me to change to suit her needs while making it look like its mine, let me be me i always think.

Sometimes our parents can say things to us without thinking about the impact of their words.