Grief and autism/ Asperger's

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This will sound like a weird question, but how do you experience grief?

The reason I ask is because I'm wondering if I'm not experiencing it right? I've only had two relatives die (my grandfather on my father's side and a great aunt on my mother's side) and recall not feeling much sadness. My father's side of the family has always treated myself and my brother along with my mother as outsiders, so I wasn't close to my grandfather. If anything, I felt more sad for my father and aunts. Even now, that's how I feel and feel more melancholy that I didn't know him better.

As for my great aunt, I felt bad for my family's loss and did feel a little sad. But at the same time, I don't recall being depressed or in a funk. And now recently, my family lost one of our dogs [ he protected me/ took the hit from a rattle snake for me that I had no idea was there] and for a few days, I was in a funk/ I did cry a bit. But I thought about it and realized he was a) fifteen years old, b) loved me and made the ultimate sacrifice for me, and c) he's in a better place with no more pain. I also believe that with his death, as he was a pound puppy, God/ universe/ his spirit/flying spaghetti monster/ whatever you believe in, has allowed us to go out and save another dog and give them love. However, both my dad and brother are still shaken up about it. My mom is approaching it the same way. Granted I do still feel sad (as a student with Downs I work with will always ask me about my puppies & I'm not sure how to explain to her what happened) or call out his name when I get home (out of habit) , but I remind myself of those three things and I'm at peace with it.

But... am I not normal for not experiencing grief the right way? I do empathize with people / feel bad for people and want to help them but grief... I'm not sure if I'm feeling things correctly.

Hi EmmaHyde,

There is no right or wrong way to experience grief, so, try not to worry too much about it. I have experienced grief, resulting from the death of a relative, and a dog that I had grown up with, quite similarly to your experiences. I felt I wanted to be close to my Father, after my grandmother died. I felt intense sadness for him, and wanted to comfort him, but, although, I had been close with my grandmother, my feelings were far stronger for my father's loss, vs. my grandmother's passing. Conversely, I experienced profound grief, when my best friend died, suddenly, in a car accident, and, similarly, from the loss of a close friend, unrelated to death.

There is nothing wrong with the way you grieve.

I've never felt grief, even when my parents died. As already said, there is no "right" way to experience grief, but I think the anxiety comes from the fact that it is socially-demanded that you do show some kind of grief and it can be awful not feeling what society seems to demand you do, making you feel like you are somehow wrong or less of a person. You can't help how you feel though. It's just another way us with autism don't gel well with the non-autistic world.

There is absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve. This is one of those things in which it's acceptable that everyone is different, even the same person's grief about different deaths will vary. And all this holds true for NTs too.

Some people might criticize the response of someone else during a loss, but forget those people. The real truth is that grief reactions are very personal and someone should be accepted as having the response they're having.

All human beings, NT or ND, experience grief on a very personal and individual basis. There's not right way or wrong way.

Also, the further distant a relative or friend is emotionally to you, it's hardly surprising to feel not much more than "oh dear," rather than feel torn apart or devastated. Even within the same one individual who may have felt more about the loss of a very close person, that individual will feel potentially less grief, or less pain, for the loss of someone they didn't have much contact with. That too is perfectly normal for anyone.

Don't worry about it. Whatever your own naturally arising feelings are about it, those are your genuine feelings and it's healthy to be at peace with them whatever they are.

Thank you guys I'm glad to know that grief is different for all of us and I'm not doing it wrong