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hollowmoon
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14 Oct 2014, 9:48 am

I think that attractive Aspies have a much harder time. For reference I was a professional model for a while. I have noticed that when a person with subpar/ horrific social skills (like me) are attractive it makes it 1000 times worse. People have this impossible standard that attractive people have social graces and are popular and get weirded out when your not. Also if you make a social error people are not sympathetic and think you did it on purpose. I think that NT's judge social ability too much on looks and when you don't fit that mold it gives them the creeps. Its almost like its too heavy of a contradiction. What do you think, have you noticed this?



Alyosha
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14 Oct 2014, 9:56 am

sorry are you genuinely saying that its harder to be attractive than unattractive? the 'its harder to be x than y' posts here are getting ridiculous.



hollowmoon
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14 Oct 2014, 10:01 am

Alyosha wrote:
sorry are you genuinely saying that its harder to be attractive than unattractive? the 'its harder to be x than y' posts here are getting ridiculous.


when you have Aspergers I really think it is. People expect unnatractive people to be socially awkward so don't give them as hard of a time.



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14 Oct 2014, 10:07 am

Could it be that anyone would get a similar response to the social faux pas, but you have further to fall in social estimation because of the value of beauty. You might have more opportunities extended to you on the basis of your appearance, and with that comes more expectations. What a fickle world. :?



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14 Oct 2014, 10:14 am

I was considered quite attractive as a young woman. It made life much easier,and I was considered cute but quirky, unique, a paradox.



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14 Oct 2014, 10:15 am

I don't think so because I have a classmate whos very attractive- shes more social anxious and anti social than me and shes mean too lol but she gets approached so much even thought she ignores people they still like her



hollowmoon
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14 Oct 2014, 10:41 am

Zajie wrote:
I don't think so because I have a classmate whos very attractive- shes more social anxious and anti social than me and shes mean too lol but she gets approached so much even thought she ignores people they still like her


does she have aspergers though? Weird I never ever get approached and have no friends plus Ive been ostrasized in school workplace.. just about everywhere



Alyosha
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14 Oct 2014, 10:49 am

hollowmoon wrote:
Alyosha wrote:
sorry are you genuinely saying that its harder to be attractive than unattractive? the 'its harder to be x than y' posts here are getting ridiculous.


when you have Aspergers I really think it is. People expect unnatractive people to be socially awkward so don't give them as hard of a time.


having autism is hard. attractiveness might do something to change the experience but the experience that is hard is not being attractive, it's having autism/aspergers. and no people don't expect ugly people to be autistic, socially awkward isn't the same as autistic. If you mean socially awkward in the general sense i guess although more so people expect ugly people to stupid and have low self-esteem rather than social awkwardness. and if you think someone not immediately assuming that you're a waste of space for how you look is 'harder', rather than just a different struggle, wow okay.



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14 Oct 2014, 11:15 am

hollowmoon wrote:
I think that attractive Aspies have a much harder time.

"aspies" that think they are attractive (it's all subjective anyway) who also are not well adjusted mentally to life may blame their appearance for their maladies; especially if they can subjectively claim to be physically superior. "oh i am so beautiful and also so innocently devoid of the social graces, that you people will eat me up" is a common stereotype.

just be strong within whatever body you were given



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14 Oct 2014, 11:34 am

I think you are comparing yourself to attractive people without autism. Of course those without are going to have an easier time in a society catered towards them. But if you compare to people with autism who aren't as attractive it would be a delusional thing to say. Attractiveness is one of the few things that have virtually no downsides, especially with autism it helps overcome some of the issues as people are naturally more prone to be interested in attractive people and are more likely to strike a conversation with attractive people. It's not something that will magically make your life easier, but it has a lot of positive perks and opens up a lot of possibilities that would otherwise not exist.



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14 Oct 2014, 12:43 pm

In my experience, attractive people are generally treated better and people often give them the benefit of the doubt. But I can see what you are saying, in some cases this would lead to higher expectations too, and when they don't meet those expectations people think, "There's no way they can't do it, they are attractive!" Probably not literally, but that's basically it.

It is the same for other positive traits too, like intelligence. People will tell me I should be able to do this and that because I am smart, when really intelligence has nothing to do with it. It's silly, but that's how some people think.


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14 Oct 2014, 12:47 pm

I'm an attractive female Aspie and I've always had an easier time with men. Only thing is, I've had other women being jealous of me. No, I am not being bigheaded. I've always considered myself ugly until just recently, and I have worked on my self-esteem and everything and now have a better image of myself, and I do feel satisfied with how I look.


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dianthus
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14 Oct 2014, 1:57 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
People have this impossible standard that attractive people have social graces and are popular and get weirded out when your not.


Yes. Exactly. It confuses the hell out of people.

They expect you to be very sociable but in a carefully measured way. If you're too friendly or open with people, it shatters the image they have of you. If you're not friendly enough, you must be a snob.

I do get approached a lot because of my appearance. And I know it's because of that, because people specifically comment on how I look. It's really kind of overwhelming sometimes. And I don't get it really because I don't think I'm "all that." On a good day I think I look nice and I do take pride in how I dress and my overall appearance. But I don't look at it as something that should have much impact over other people.

I think some people do expect you to use it, almost like it gives you power over them. And they want to challenge you over it. They think you are doing it to them on purpose but really it's all in their heads.

And from the way men approach me, I guess they assume that I must be a flirt or a coquette. When in reality I can be really oblivious to flirting, and have no idea how to respond to it if I do pick up on it. I guess if a woman is attractive they expect her to know how to handle it. But I'm clueless, so some men just keep pushing the limits until things get really obnoxious.

Also I am really uncomfortable with dating in-person as it's hard to tell if a guy actually likes me for myself. Or just wants to fork me. But I can't tell if a man is really interested in me if he's NOT talking about wanting to fork me, because that's what I'm used to hearing. It's a weird catch-22.

But I had an internet boyfriend I used to video chat with and it was the same with him too. He thought it was abnormal that "someone with your looks" would not be going out every night to party with friends and hook up with men. He asked me over and over again if I had AIDS. The only explanation that made sense to him was that I must have some horrible disease that prevented me from having sex.

Then there's that thing where if a person is attracted to you, but considers you beneath their own social status, they become really passive-aggressive and nasty about it. Like they just can't stop themselves from hitting on you, but each time they do they are going to remind you what your place is. Some of the guys I went to school with were like that. They were more popular, or more to the point they came from families with more money and social status. I think if I had been less attractive they would have left me alone.

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Also if you make a social error people are not sympathetic and think you did it on purpose.


YES. They just assume you are just being rude, or trying to act superior. And they seem more likely to take personal offense to things, like you are deliberately snubbing them.

Then if they get to know me a bit and realize I'm not actually like that, it can get even worse. Like suddenly they think they have something over on me and they can talk down to me.

Hard to explain but yeah...I think it CAN be worse to be attractive and socially clueless. Sometimes it might make things a little smoother when you first meet someone, but it comes back to bite you in the ass later.



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14 Oct 2014, 2:18 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
Zajie wrote:
I don't think so because I have a classmate whos very attractive- shes more social anxious and anti social than me and shes mean too lol but she gets approached so much even thought she ignores people they still like her


does she have aspergers though? Weird I never ever get approached and have no friends plus Ive been ostrasized in school workplace.. just about everywhere


I get approached by people and I don't know why other than my appearance. Probably not just my actual looks but something about my body language. I actually try to do things to be less approachable like avoiding eye contact but people still come up to me anyway. And I think maybe some people walk away puzzled or frustrated because I'm not what they expect me to be. Or maybe it's just that I feel puzzled and frustrated because I don't understand what they expect.

If people never approach you, they probably see you as unapproachable for some reason (please tell me the secret, lol). And I think if you are attractive, and you keep attracting someone's attention but they don't know how to approach you, they grow frustrated with it. They can end up resenting you for it.



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14 Oct 2014, 3:24 pm

Aspies do tend to be shy and offish. I am regarded as attractive/pretty (I'm just being impartial), and like Joe90 posted, men tend to be easier on me. And I can struggle with mean women, especially those who are manipulative and gossip. For me, females bullies are the worst. :cry:

Attractive people may be assumed more outgoing; the antithesis of Asperger's traits. So there is a behavioural dichotomy, and others may not be so understanding.


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