Hi,
I'm a 28 year old female who suspects I might be on the spectrum. I have recognized this as a possibility for about 12 years now and have thought about it but I've avoiding identifying because it seems... unfair. I'm pretty high functioning and I don't want to be a person who just jumps into claiming a psychological or developmental disorder because they think it excuses their behavior.
I want to begin by saying that while I have read a little bit about autism and (formerly) Asperger's, I am not well-versed and I purposely did not re-review symptom lists for high functioning individuals before writing this because I didn't want to convince myself that I have certain symptoms and start looking for things in myself to fit into a definition better. So what I have chosen to write about comes from my memory in studying autism in school (I work in mental health, have a BS in Psychology) and popular media like TIME magazine, etc. I apologize to begin with if I am getting any of this wrong or basing my assessment in stereotypes.
1. When I was a child I was exceptionally sensitive to stimuli on my skin, particularly in regards to clothing, to the point of what a parent might describe as temper tantrums or meltdowns and what I would describe as full blown panic attacks over the threads in my socks and the un-smooth layering of clothing. I eventually worked my way out of most of this by about age 7 when I remember I started being able to wear sweatshirts with shirts underneath. But I still continued to be very particular about materials. I also reacted negatively to loud noises (more than other kids).
2. I used to be shy in new environments to where I would cry and refuse to go places if I felt like I didn't belong and other people would know it (still something that pops up now) including places I went to every summer like the swimming pool, because I thought no one would remember me and would see me as an outsider who shouldn't be there. However, I wasn't chronically shy. Once I grew comfortable I was fairly talkative and I loved interacting with kids who were also uncomfortable, because then I didn't feel a power disparity.
3. I developed OCD (undiagnosed) at a young age that I tried desperately to fix on my own, but over the years I also developed compulsive skin picking, trichotillomania, and an eating disorder. All of them I would describe as moderate to mild. I eventually realized I was dealing with ongoing, chronic anxiety that was unrelated to the social anxiety I also had.
4. I did and still do have a very, very hard time understanding that people behave one way in some environments and another way in others and do so easily with little thought. I regularly say things that aren't socially acceptable for that particular environment because I can't always understand that it's not ok in some places. I hate how people say awful s**t behind closed doors and then lie or deny to cover it up. That inconsistency is infuriating and also sad to me.
5. I can push people's buttons in ways I don't realize are causing harm because it seems to me people are pushing buttons all the time. What bothers me doesn't seem to bother a lot of other people and the expectation I continually encounter is that I need to get over that, when the reverse doesn't seem to hold true.
6. I tend to be a very logical person. Not in that I'm always right, but that I think of things in concrete logical forms. When most other children were accepting what they were told even if what they were told didn't make sense, I would immediately notice the logical flaws and push against them hard. I could not comprehend anything that hit a logical dead end to which others would shrug their shoulders.
7. I've been described as both cold and uptight/high strung. As in, it took me years and years to understand why people were upset about some s**t (blunt statements) but other people were not accepting of what made me upset (pushing me about my belief systems just for fun until I got angry). Maybe some of that was just teenagers being teenagers, as it's mostly worn off, but I'm still more robotic than others and more emotional about people getting into my personal space than others are.
8. I don't like to be touched. Not all the time, not in every circumstance you can imagine, but in most of them. For example, a massage is something I enjoy. It has it's purpose and I will engage with it. A hug by an acquaintance? No thank you. Being touched when I'm irritated is so overwhelmingly awful I can't fully describe it. A comforting pat on the arm? I don't get it. I'd prefer to nod and shake hands with almost everyone I interact with.
9. I prefer interactions when they are in strict social confines, like at work when I have specific boundaries because I work in a treatment facility. Clients are not allowed to touch me. Period. I can refuse to tell them personal information and there's no haggling about what is polite and what isn't, it's just boundaries. I live for this. The less ambiguity, the better.
There's more, of course, but considering all that, is autism a possibility? Or am I just an anxious person who's not the best socially? If autism is a possibility, how do y'all feel about self-diagnoses? Is it appropriate to identify as such? Is there any benefit to it?
14 Oct 2016, 1:27 pm
