Shyness + Asperger's

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Reflecting on it I realised shyness is an even bigger part of my life than Asperger's. There's no medical diagnosis for shyness but it can massively impact someone's life. It's a spectrum like the autistic one in my opinion. Personally i'm off the deep end. I know I could have completed college courses, got jobs I applied for, and had more dates when i wsked for tbnem if I wasn't so shy. I sometimew envy people here who have college qualifications, Partners or jobs they enjoy, but someone could come and tell me I am not shy because I have a few friends from forrign countries on Facebook. Other people would tell me I actually come across really well and overestimate how shy I am. Comparisons can be pointless. Perception is a strange thing.

I'm doing a stand up comedy course at the moment and I've almost walked out twice, and didn't want to turn up. When we perform to each other I can't bear to look at anyone and my heart feels it will tear out of my chest from drumming so fast, but when I did classes where people sit and learn more normally like maths I found them even harder. Since I usually never talk to people, in the stand up class at least I get pushed into saying something, even if it is just a 45 second performance of jokes or anecdotes. I like jokes and comedy a lot but my memory for it isnt very good and my sense of humour is childish or odd to many people. It terrifies me but I feel at least these people are getting to know me a bit, unlike any others I ever met in classes.

And they seem to look at me like I'm a freak, a few of them, which is scary and I so often want to get out of there, but to be able to say something to people feels liberating. To think maybe one of these people could become a friend , or one of the women a girlfriend, it is unlikely, but possible. Or stand up comedy could be an unexpected career opportunity. That's why I've kept going, I feel worried about it though. I'm lucky to have a support worker who accompanies me there he doesn't Say much but just knowing I have someone to ask for help if I panic is good, and as he sits next to me I don't have to worry about the correct eye contact on that side, making it easier to relax.

I am not sure this post is coherent or logical, I will post it anyway.

I really, really admire you for your courage in taking on stand-up comedy! Thanks for sharing your story!

I remember a psychologist saying that shyness doesn't exist, if the person is autistic. Symptoms that are signs of shyness of an NT person, are autistic signs of an ASD person. I disagree. I would be autistic in one situation and an NT in other situations.

You are either NT or autistic in all situations, but you are not alternating between NT-ness and autism.

AS can certainly exacerbate shyness. The odds of making a social connection are worse than usual. I share your love of humour, though. If I can get a laugh, I can relax. Sometimes, I can even make fun of myself and get some understanding sympathy back, like Emo Phillips. Yesterday, I had a long wait for a bank teller with a multi-transaction client. I stepped up and said "I need some Ecuadorean Escudos, please." She laughed, and I settled for Canadian $s instead. However, when a joke does not work, comedians don't say "the audience was unresponsive," they say "I died out there." I've had some surprising failures, but the good ones are like lighthouses in my memories. The frequency of laughs is a good gauge of friendship for me. By trying jokes frequently, I can pass off some random weirdness as failed humour.
I once took a job that required sensitive dealing with the public, and I sort of took on a professional personality like an actor, which worked very well, because it was backed up by competence in the work. A beaver is normally a cautious animal never far from a watery escape route. However, when it has to seek out new waters, it walks overland in a straight line, not even turning aside for a busy picnic ground.

In a nutshell, I've found the less I give a f**k if people like me or not, the more they like me. As a yoga studio owner, I could try to appeal to everyone, but no one can appeal to everyone, and to be honest it's exhausting. So I just let my freak flag fly with pride, and the students who come regularly have told me they like the fact that I don't try too hard to be perfect. I have had students come for trial lessons who didn't come back, but if our vibe isn't what they're looking for, oh well, it just makes our regular students love us more, which ultimately is better for business.

And I get how it's easy to be shy when you're bullied both at home and at school growing up. I struggled with eye contact a lot. Someone on this board a month ago, I can't remember who or I would give them a shout-out, gave me a really good tip to look at someone's 3rd eye, and not their physical eyes. Doing it that way, it's not nearly as scary. It's worked really well, I am noticing a huge difference in how busy the studio is if I do this.

Well, there are different kinds of shyness, and there are ASD-traits that look like shyness, but aren't really. I hesitate to take up much space in social gatherings, because I dislike being the center of attention, but thats not shyness per se. I know gaze avoidance is a sign of submissiveness/untrustworthiness/shyness, but I've also been told that I have very intense eyes that can make people very uncomfortable. I may hesitate to ask a girl I like for a date, because I know I'm rather inept at it and might make things awkward between us, but I could strip naked and have a stroll downtown and give exactly zero..."considerations" for what all these strangers think.

Kudos on the stand-up thing. That takes guts.