Do you feel that 'dead weight' - depression?

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I've been fighting this battle with former psychatrists of mine - negative symptoms of schizophrenia vs depressive apathy vs general autistic 'unresponsiveness'. But I am sure a lot of people have those these symptoms.

Its introspection - trying to look at yourself and see what's wrong - then repression and fear - this weight on the chest and pressure in the head and eyes and then a release if you manage to shake it - the literal physical manifestations of depression (pscychomotor retardation)

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These topics resonate a lot. I feel like I have virtually zero autonomy, zero emotional response, no happiness from anything. If I try to engage in emotion its hysterical, embarrassing moments or erratic, inappropriate behaviour. If I allow myself to 'ruminate', let life take me along, give the responses I need, do what I need, I feel nothing but much safer.

Imagery also helps a bit in that release from that 'repression'. But its fleeting. Reading text feels bothersome and tiring. I think this is the lowest I will go in my 'blunted affect' and accepting it seems to make life easier. Being vain, or self-centered and demanding attention seems horribly improper. Neatness, calmness comes with just accepting a no-emotional mindset. No expectation of reward or happiness, or sadness either.

I apologize if this inappropriate for this forum, new member

Based on your screen name, it seems to me that you might be interested in medieval history. There were quite a few "Ottos" who were Holy Roman Emperors between like 950 and 1150.

Nobody is "dead weight," unless one is an unrepentant criminal.

If their thoughts can be channeled, even many "disorganized" schizophrenics you see on subway trains dirty, disheveled, and talking to themselves, can be very useful people---especially to poets and other types of writers.

Thank you for that interesting piece of information, I looked them up, they're quite a few. I heard the name on tv and found the resemblance to auto interesting

I don't know about my diagnosis. I think I am scared about the schizophrenic diagnosis and being branded socially invalid, my reluctance is fueled by a lifetime of autistic behaviour, traits and even school sessions between parents and teachers from as early as 8.

But I found that I am either completely unequipped to deal with emotion, or have severe fear of embarrassment and social anxiety leading to suspicious ideation. But avoiding any emotional issues altogether seems to help immensely. No anticipation of an emotional response, or any appropriate response in any given social situation, no pursuit of emotional gain, means zero pressure and just moving along. It feels empty but also calming and empowering. No inappropriate commentary, zero inflection, just simple communication and collaboration and moving on. No social anxiety.

I think the immense need for conforming triggered the social anxiety and exacerbated the behaviour that led to the initial suspicions of autism + schizo/paranoid delusions, more than a few verbal altercations based on insinuations of behaviour or literal interpretation of behaviour. Not going to ramble on, thank you for your time

I think there was a withdrawn reply (during submission, sorry for bringing it up), that was a virtual replica of my situation. The bliss you get isn't from the lack of self-observation itself, but the fact that the pressure-cooker in the form of dread, foreboding, anticipation suddenly disappears. Remove expectation while worrying about yourself making mistakes, means observing yourself doing mundane things and thus being comfortable in your actions

Thank you for sharing, I can withdraw this response. Moving along in a waltz, or 'ruminating' however means of 2 things here: Either I criminalize every response I consider abnormal, overly happy or expressive, or I genuinely derive no pleasure from engaging in such behaviour, severe social anxiety and fear vs blunted affect and zero-emotional control for me.

Are your in school or college/university now?

It’s possible that you’re in a solipsistic state, and are having difficulty relating to the world around you.

I’ve been in this “state.” I’ve been helped by going back to the basics/the Mundane.

I'am in my 8th year after graduation and after a massive gap (very bad in my profession, medicine), I returned to work but was hit with a quick succession of severe disappointments and what I felt were a few injustices, I am sure its not paranoid ideation because I have corroboration from others around me.

I think you are completely right and that I am trying to withdraw following those dissapointments, partially to convince myself that I am not failing and that I am capable of returning to a successful postgraduate career.

Are you a doctor?

Trust me: doctors are always in great demand.

I'm not sure what country you're in. Maybe they have a program for people seeking to "get back" into a profession after a long absence.