Work

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I hate it. My days are ridden with anxiety. The pressure of work is overwhelming. The stress of being around people i put on a brave face each morning but it wears me down. Im so sick of sitting amongst people and being incapable of joining in a conversation. Often the others just talk like im not there or even talk in low voices. Like wtf is that about?? This has been a trend in several workplaces. Always cliques that the quieter or more genuine people are sidelined from. Even the most basic greetings are hard. I feel ridiculous and stupid for not being able to stop myself behaving in such a way. Sometimes there is a chance to join in some banter or make a joke but my mind goes blank and i end up saying nothing.
Then people will say you don't talk enough (admittedly happens a lot less than when i was younger) but what do they expect when your brain is incapable of processing casual conversation thoughts?
I dont even feel on top of the job half the time and am petrified by the thought of being made redundant and how thatll affect my family and relations with them. I feel like im leading a cursed existence. I'd quite easily give up if it wasnt for my wife and daughter and prior to them i did give up several times and had spells out of work or studies.

What kind of work do you do?

What is the office (or whatever) like? How many people work in the same room as you?

How long have you been at your current job? Because if it hasn't been long, I'm concerned about your job security because of you saying that you're not always doing the job right, and also because you indicate that you've had a lot of short stints at other jobs. Have you been fired from any of your previous jobs before? Or were they all on your own terms?

Its laboratory work. There are about 7-8 of us at any one time.

5 months. The present company took my old one over and therefore several employees including myself transferred to the new one. At the old place it was horrible but i tried and tried to find other things for 3 years with no success. Before then i did an internship so no i wasn't fired they just couldnt keep me on. Before then i was out of work for two years as u relocated for family reasons and couldn't find anything although i was struggling with the politics in the place i left and was relieved and traumatized when i got out of there.

Not doing the job right isn't the best way of putting it. It isnt a routine job and theres lits of pressures to get things done in a short space of time and within a certain budget and its not easy to assess how much time is needed.

Since they’ve tolerated your mistakes for 5 months already, I think you’ll be fine. Just try to worry about yourself while you’re at work from here on out.

Don't worry about what they think, if they had a problem they'd have said something by now, you have to focus on you x

It's hard to shut out the worries, the sense of being difference, not included. Things have been said albeit subtly. Im kind of in charge of one aspect of the business and if there arent sufficient demands from clients, which doesnt reflect on the work i do but still, then that puts me at increased risk of being made redundant.