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cfleischmann
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09 Dec 2019, 2:35 am

Greetings Everyone:

Well after a very emotional training at my volunteer job, I think I might have a huge problem on my hands:

The training was part of our new internal initiative "If you see something say something" surrounding such things as abuse, domestic violence, etc. and the domestic violence bit got to me so hard because it matches up with my relationship with me current significant other. First they play a quick video primarily directed at teens and children as an overview on the subject then they pull a slide deck to expand on it and I had to step away from my laptop to be able to better understand it all and i just cried because I recognized the signs in my own relationship. I'll link the video below just to give an idea.

Video Link: https://youtu.be/vK3RhRwMwIg

As far as I'm concerned here are the points that hit me hard from that video:

* the fact that she talks down to me about my hopes (e.g. calling the fact that my team and I are saving up for a new body-worn camera a "stupid idea")
* the fact that I had to help her pay hers and her mother's bills and all my things got put on the back burner namely my safety systems the the servers that control such systems
* when I think about leaving she guilt trips me into thinking that's a bad idea considering that i made a promise to be with her no matter what
* and others i cannot think about right now

what do you all think of this one? Does anyone have any suggestions?


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aquafelix
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09 Dec 2019, 3:03 am

I don't know you well enough to really know for certain in your situation. But, my question would be how do you feel when she does those things? Do you feel respected and valued, or do you feel like s*it. Power and control in relationships isn't always as black and white either.



cfleischmann
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09 Dec 2019, 4:08 am

I feel like total s*hit


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- feel free to send a PM
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MrsPeel
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09 Dec 2019, 4:57 am

You could probably find out for sure, but only if you feel strong enough.
Not that I'm an expert, this is just a suggestion from my own experience, and you probably need to talk to experts first - relationship counsellor or similar. And have back-up plans in place.

My suggestion is to set a boundary, that is, think of something important to you that you would never let her take away.
Something like, say, getting to see another friend or family member once a week.
Discuss it with her and see if she would deny you that thing, to keep control over you.
If she wants to take this thing from you, with no respect for how much it means to you, you really need to get away.
Also, if she agrees to let you keep your boundary but mocks you for needing it, or seems likely to take as a weakness to be used against you, you need to get away.
(Which is why you need to be feeling strong enough before you test things out - because you might need to split with her)



TimS1980
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09 Dec 2019, 5:59 am

Sounds like the main point of this thread is that OP is approaching a realization, circling it, trying to make sense of it and to discern truth.

In the stories I read from people on the spectrum as well as my experience, I perceive a pattern whereby implicit ableism made many of us grow up with a subconscious feeling that we are in some way deficient.

This is generally not supportive of making good choices in pursuit of emotionally equal relationships.

We might have been made to feel like the only way to be accepted is to put ourselves down.

For many I that situation, if their experience is like mine, the realization is probably uncomfortable, yet presents a strong match with objective assessments.

There are a few avenues to move forward.

My wife puts me down a lot. Though it takes work, I am much less affected by having and maintaining a strong sense of my self worth.

Get better at recognizing abusive patterns. Gather information.

Consider where to set boundaries against behavior that should not be tolerated any more.

In my case, though I view many of my issues through a social model lens, my wife displays attitudes from the medical and moral models. This is a common pattern among others sharing her cultural heritage as well.

Assess whether the other person can learn more about our true experience. This is where the long-standing advice (that ASC/nt couples often do need autism expert relationship counselling) comes to bear.

If this person can't grow to deserve all your loyalty, you should seriously reconsider. If kids come in the picture and are on the spectrum, consider how it would feel to see her displaying the same attitudes, perpetrating the same evils of our youths, and discounting your experience when you try to point out there's a better way.

Better to exercise your self value at any cost, even including the end of this relationship - just take a measured approach.



Twilightprincess
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09 Dec 2019, 8:17 am

I would seriously consider leaving her.

No one should stay in a relationship that is making him or her unhappy. That’s not what a good relationship should be about.



timf
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09 Dec 2019, 11:07 am

In a relationship where one person has established power over another (especially over a long period of time), it can be difficult to "re-negotiate" the power dynamics. The person who has been subjugated may "awaken" and lashe out. A sudden reaction can be hurtful for all involved.

You may wish to slowly but persistently resist such that the other person has to accommodate a new power dynamic in the relationship. If the person is obtuse, insensitive, or unwilling to make adjustments, you may have to become less subtle.

Relationships of any kind are hard to come by and one should consider carefully jettisoning an entire relationship. However, if it cannot be salvaged, having no relationship can be better than suffering in a bad one that cannot be repaired.



Twilightprincess
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09 Dec 2019, 11:12 am

timf wrote:
Relationships of any kind are hard to come by and one should consider carefully jettisoning an entire relationship.


Nope.

If your relationship feels toxic, you have no obligation to stay. Trust me: being single is better than being in a bad relationship. Anyway, there’s sure to be someone better out there.

Trust your gut on this.

I know a lot about this topic. Feel free to PM me if you want to.



MrsPeel
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10 Dec 2019, 4:29 am

I agree, a relationship in which the other person has too much power and control is really damaging on a mental / emotional level. If you feel like you've lost control over your life or are constantly "walking on eggshells" to try and keep the other person on side, it's best to get out of the relationship. Otherwise you can develop C-PTSD or other mental health conditions.
I'm not saying this is the case for the OP, her relationship may be recoverable, she might be able to work out.



cfleischmann
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03 Mar 2020, 12:14 am

Sear Everyone:

Thank you for the words of advice. I’m am very appreciative. Cince I opened up this thread, I’ve taken the following actions:
1. Had my security team attach notes to her contact record
2. Had my security team assign a PTS (Potential Trouble Source) condition to her as well. This one is important since any interaction will automatically now have a red banner at the top as a warning to me or anyone who uses my CRM database for anything to hold at arms length and use caution interacting with her.

Should there be further abuse involved the tag will be changed to SP (Suppressive Person) which kicks off a whole different workflow giving her one last chance before I disconnect from her. Disconnection is like a lifetime ban of sorts as once it’s done, it’s not normally undone.


_________________
Thanks:
Carly Grace Fleischmann:
Level 3 customer experience auditor / Level 3 CS Rep / C-ORG Member
- feel free to send a PM
- more than likely on a mobile device