Small talk

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Why do people feel the need to ask the question ‘how are you’? I just don’t get it and I am beginning to develop a fear of this. I mean how do you answer it? And I know my response is always weird. What does everyone else say ?

I had difficulties with that one: eventually had the realisation that it’s a symbolic greeting, not a real question (at least on this side of the Irish Sea).
It goes like this:
Question: “How are you?” = I acknowledge your presence and am disposed to be friendly towards you.
Counter Question: “Fine, how are you?” = I likewise acknowledge your presence and reciprocate your friendly disposition.
Answer: “Fine” this wraps up the formal establishment that both parties are in general predisposed to like and respect the other, from here the real conversation starts. Note that at this opening phase of the conversation either party honestly answering the question breaks the protocol and will be regarded as shocking act of rudeness and ill-manners.

I usually lie, and say I'm OK when asked how I am. I don't think the person asking actually cares usually, and it's just a weird way of saying "hello", rather than an interest in your well-being. Giving some sort of negative response never leads to offers of help or support, but can lead to accusations of being grumpy.

A total stranger once passed me in the street, and as he was walking past he said "Hi. How are you. Great" So he actually gave himself the answer he wanted to hear from me! I was so tempted to stop him, and say "Well actually, I'm feeling pretty bad, and I'd like to tell you about it", but he was walking so fast, and my brain works so slowly, that he'd gone before I could do it .

• Addendum

At stage two (the counter-question) it is acceptable to say: “Fine, can’t stop now I have [a doctors appointment, a bus to catch, kids to pick up from school etc. Insert as appropriate], we must talk soon.”
This terminates the conversation start protocol without making the other person feel disrespected or unwanted.
Note that the reason has to be something that you can’t freely change on a whim: it has to involve a commitment to other people, or a schedule that has to be worked around.
Making up a fake reason is something that some NTs do on occasion, but if they’re found out it usually leads to no end of fuss and hassle.

And as Johninwales has pointed out it has a secondary usage as a way of making a point of signalling your presence to strangers: I think this is a shorthand way of confirming that you bear them no ill-will and are not a threat to them.

I've always found "How are you?" to be hard to answer as well since I've taken it literally and then feel I have to assess how I'm doing physically, emotionally, work related, family related, financially, mentally, occupationally, etc., almost like running a full diagnostics test. If I was to give an honest answer, most of the time the immediate answer would be: "I'm not sure." since any combination of the different areas might be good and another might be bad.

"Fine." does seem to an acceptable and quick answer even though it doesn't always feel genuine to me.

Think of it as a tribal recognition signal. The expected response is "Fine, thanks, and how are you?" If it does not feel honest to me, I think of an acronym for FINE. One such list was "F-d up, Insecure, Nervous & Earnest." I can keep that to myself, though. Save the details for social time with friends, or a therapy session.

In a linguistics class I took they talked about "ritualized" speech, and how what people are saying is scripted and serves a purpose other than communicating new information/what the words being said typically mean. "How are you?" is the example they used. It doesn't mean "I want to know about your physical and emotional wellbeing" like the words imply - it actually means "I am greeting you in a manner that shows I value you as another person." Likewise, "I'm fine, how are you?" Doesn't mean "My physical and emotional health is satisfactory and I would like to hear about yours" - it just means "I return your greeting, and also value you."

Knowing that, I feel comfortable saying "fine" even when I am stressed or in pain, when I know the other person is just doing a standard greeting and not REALLY asking. If it is a close friend, I may deviate from the script with a more honest answer if I want to share.

If you have a good memory you can also use it as an invitation to continue a previous conversation.
I find this doesn't weird people out. Instead, they are pleased that you remembered.

Small talk is like big talk only smaller. So maybe one needs some speaking glasses to verbally see it?

If I am asked how I am I do a cheack on myself to see how I am feeling before I can answer. Often I am under the impression that the person who asked probably wished that they didn't ask... But they did ask so I assess myself so I can answer.

Before I retired, I worked as a computer nerd (officially technician) most of the time going onsite for problem solving or to upgrade software or whatever. The time I hated the most was when I had to work on the computer at the front desk in a department. Everybody that walked by it was "Hi Neil, how are you?" Then two minutes later, "Hey Neil, how are you?" Three minutes later, "Neil! How are you?" Aaaarrrrrggghhh. I wanted so badly to make a sign that said: "I'M FINE!! !"

I am notoriously bad at remembering to reciprocate the question and don't really like answering 'fine' when I'm really not. It's usually after a few minutes that I remember that I'm also supposed to ask them how they are and by that time it's too late and they're probably already grumpy about it.

I never realized "How are you?" counts as small talk. I always thought small talk is a short but meaningful conversation squeezed into a short amount of time, covering topics that are generic and not sensitive.

I don't like to say "fine" either. I say what I feel, like "Great! Very good! Good! Not so great. Meh. Don't ask."

I initiate small talks a lot with people. I think the fact that I don't care what they think of me, and I also don't care what I think of them help a lot.