The joy of your mum finally saying she can "get it"

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Well after 36 years of walking on the fringe, my mother has finally seen me.

My child hood was sometimes dangerous, and my mother terrified me. There were very occasional acts of violence but it taught me resilience. In order to forgive my mother, I had to leave her for 10 years in my early adulthood. We had no contact at all in this time, despite the fact that we lived in the same city.

I went through many years of severe mental health issues that were AS based with trauma mixed in, but being a female it was not dx as such. 6 months ago I was finally dx without even knowing that this was what I had been dealing with all along. The last 20 years have been dark and uncertain.

My mother has been back in my life for the last 5 years and our relationship is going well, but the ultimate understanding was reached yesterday. After telling her about my second appointment with my AS psychologist and the practical methods he was going to use to help me, she handed me a revelation.

"Since I have been doing my own research on AS, some very important things have been put in place. I now have a much better understanding of how you grew up and the things I missed. The more I read the more enlightened I become. How it must have felt to grow up feeling like you lived in a transparent box. How it must have felt to be able to have seen the world but not been able to participate or to understand how you could reach through that box and CONNECT. That people could see you and you see them, but never be able to communicate what was inside, and never be listened to, I mean, TRULY listened to. That no-one asked the right questions. Including me. I can't even imagine how it must have been to live 36 years in a prison of sorts in the mind and have no idea why. What it has done to your sense of your own humanity, is horrendous. My God, I can walk in your shoes and feel the pain, for the first time."

I have waited al my life for this understanding. I had prepared myself long ago for the possibility of no-one ever being able to "see through my eyes" and maybe that is a fanciful notion, but any connection is better than nothing.

So, to anyone who has moments of feeling alone and isolated, know that miracles can happen. That the truth will always win in the end.

Mics

That's great. I'm glad that you're making that bond, together.

It must feel awesome. Good for you.

That was beautiful. It touched me because I could really benefit from hearing the same kind of thing, but more so from my father.

There's a lot of growth there, for you and your mother. I feel happiness for both of you.

thank you for this post.

That brings a smile to my face and the hope for a better future for an ending/closure/new beginning like you have experienced with your mother.

This post choked me up a bit, in the I feel happy for you sense. I'm glad that after even this long that your mother was able to cure her own lack of knowledge on the subject of Aspergers to get a better understanding of what life is like as a person with AS and how she was able to realise that this was who you were and beyond your control. Thank you for making this post, it brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye.

Wow.

Your mother's description of your life would be a very accurate description of my own - especially the "transparent box" and "prison of sorts in the mind" parts.

The ultimate weapon for the discovering Aspie (or someone with the traits thereof) really is a discovering Aspie!

It got me choked up a little too, what beautiful words and what a beautiful thing it is to be truly understood. Im really happy for you, must be such a great feeling. Thanks for posting this, it gives me hope that one day I'll experience the same joy you are now.

I have accepted my mother will never have any insight into what I went through. Would be really healing for me if she did. That's incredible.