Feeling a little hurt

Post Reply New Topic

Hello, today I am feeling a little hurt. I haven't cried yet but I just feel a little sad. I was so excited to see my mentee who I have missed over the past week, especially on Halloween. I found out that our meeting will be moved to Friday since his mother is going through some personal issues and he has to stay with a friend until she is feeling better. That's not the worst of it. The worst of it was that I was asked to call the mentor coordinator and when I did, I was asked to basically slow my role. I was told, I shouldn't be contacting his teachers. I also shouldn't be having frequent contact with his mom. She also said giving him even an hour is too much. Sessions should really only be 45 minutes per week. Here's the thing though. I know what services the kid needs. He is counting on me and so is his mother. His mom asked me to help him with schoolwork during our sessions and we talk mostly about how I can help advocate for his services. When I left him last year, I made a promise to him that I would do my absolute best to help him transition to middle school and that I would never give up on him. I don't want to break my promise. Everyone keeps saying things like "it's his responsibility to show up for class. He should be doing it and if not his mother. It's not your job to contact teachers for him." But, the reality of it is, he can't! I know it and his mom knows it. I want to teach him the skills he needs to be better but basically, how can I do that if I don't talk to the teachers to see what he needs? That's what hurts. It's very painful when people tell me to just give up on him and let him fend for himself. He and his mother both want me to help and I can do it. It's my time I'm volunteering and I don't mind doing it at all.
I love this child with all my heart, which I guess is an issue. But let me ask you all to picture something for a minute. You move to this new school to work and this kid is your first. You're basically assigned to spend all day with this kid helping him with his schoolwork. Then your time gets cut a little to help other kids, but you still see him everyday for a couple of hours. As you're working with him, you develop strategies to help him cope with his issues including depressive thoughts and actions. Later on, during the pandemic when schools close you spend 6-7 hours a day online with this kid for about 3 months. He has teenage siblings at home but you're basically the only adult he has to talk to all day while his mom is at work. You see him sleeping in bed when he falls asleep in the meeting, you eat lunch with him remotely every day, you're there to support him when he's unwell or in distress and his teenagers are just making fun of him in the background, and you're in constant contact with his mom about all of this because you want to make sure his well being is good. Towards the end of the school year, the kid makes comments to you. He says that you're not sending him off to a school where no one loves him and he'll be misunderstood. You try to convince him going to middle school isn't a bad thing, but it doesn't work because while he's upset and yelling, you're starting to cry. You promise him you'll never give up on him and you mean it. Then, you're back at the beginning of my post. Now, after you've pictured all of this in your brain, tell me I shouldn't give me love and care for this child. I dare you.

There is a spectrum of emotional investment we make with other people. For some, like a spouse or our own child, we make a heavy investment. For others, like a security guard at work or a convenience store clerk, we make a slight investment. Asperger people can make mistakes gauging what is the correct amount of emotion to invest in a particular relationship.

The situation you describe sounds like you have made an emotional investment far in excess of what was requested or desired. It may be that you have unfulfilled emotional needs yourself, that you are attempting to fill from this relationship. It may be that you have simply misjudged what was appropriate.

Consider a hypothetical situation where a social worker is trying to help a battered woman deal with the problems in her life. The social worker might be devastated when the woman goes back to her boyfriend for the tenth time. However, the social worker has to understand that her role is not to fix her clients life (as much as she would like to) her job is only to be available to offer help.

Those of us with Aspergers have had to learn (sometimes painfully) to use emotional discretion when starting, building, maintaining, and even ending relationships.

There is never enough attention for everyone who wants it. If they are not on your case, there is probably someone in greater need.

That's the thing, I sort of agree with what you guys are saying. I know I can't fix this child's life, but I'd at least like to do what I'm able to and share what knowledge I have about the kid with his teachers. I know why he's suffering and I know why he's having such a hard time with his work. I just want to be able to convey it properly to his school so they can do what they need to do to provide him help. Here's the thing though, people say the teachers know what they're doing. They say they know how to handle it, and yet, these teachers continue to say to me that he never completes work and he needs to do better at attending classes. I just want to help him meet these goals.