anthropologist from mars wonders how humans date each other

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how do humans go on dates with one another? i mean, what are the mechanisms, the signals, the words and looks and body language? this martian anthropologist would like to know, as i am tired of it being as mysterious to me as a doorknob is to a cat. i haven't got too many years left in this world and i want to solve this riddle whose answer has been kept secret from me for so many decades now.

also to the genius-level TOM/socially intelligent aspies here, did you learn this by rote or did it come naturally? if the former, did somebody teach you/got it from a book, or what?

I would say use your communication style to your advantage. I need things to be direct and spelled out. I decided a few years ago to just be direct (but polite) myself, and make things easier. Trying to relate to others in an unnatural way will just make a mess of things.

Otherwise, anything I learned was from observing or trial and error. Granted, I tend to treat relationships like 9/11 these days (#NeverForget).

i guess i don't have a communications style.

What I mean, is people on the spectrum tend to need things to be very clear and direct. You can let that be an obstacle or try to make it work for you. A lot of NT women will probably find it refreshing if you are honest, clear, and up front about how you feel, without being demanding. Especially if they're used to guys who play games.

tried that and got static, multiple times. i know when i'm licked.

Guess I have to agree there . But, I think I'm much happier being single. I feel like a lot of what I liked in relationships was what I thought it was, rather than what it actually was. Whereas, on my own, I enjoy things for what they are. Even the bad times. There wasn't enough working together, in the relationships I had.

I went to an official date only once in my life. Like, asked a girl whom I didn't knew well to go out with me. It was super stressful for me, but turned out, the same was true for her. She later became my wife. We knew each other for a short time and haven't spoken that much, but there was definitely attraction on both ends. Still asking her "will you go out on a date with me" is one of the most stressful things I've done in my life, lol.

Before that, I've always hanged out with girls as friends and eventually we've ended up in relationships. The first move towards anything physical was always on their end, because I am hopeless at reading signals. Even during my date with my wife at some point she basically jumped at me and kissed me, then said that it was rude to keep her waiting when it was all she was thinking about the whole day. I had no clue! xD

i am betting you are physically gorgeous for the women to all vigorously approach you and do all the work of establishing a relationship. lucky man, you.

It seemed to have come naturally to me. This is the only reason I question my AS, because of being so successful in a relationship with an NT man. He always tells me how thoughtful and understanding I am, and how loving I am and everything. And I don't have to force myself to be this way, it comes naturally.

Maybe it's what we humans do.

But turns out I do have AS because of all the other things I have such as anxiety, sensory issues with sound, and inability to make friends with my NT peers...even though I can successfully meet an NT man and be in a healthy relationship for the last 7 and a half years with no problems at all...

That's great . Good for you both!

seems female aspies generally are at least spared the thing that affects male aspies in this regard.

More like average looking, really. I am better looking now than when I was in my teenage years and 20's, because I've gained weight and muscle mass. I am not that physically fit and never was, though. I have scoliosis and cifosis. Diastema too and my teeth are a bit of a mess because of my bruxism. For most part of my adult life I've weighted like 70kg while being 184 cm in height, which made me looking like skinny drug addict, lol. My facial bone structure is decent enough but otherwise, I definitely never considered myself one of the physically gorgeous guys.

Several things have attracted girls to me:

1) Treating them like equal human beings, not like sexual objects.
2) Honesty - I always speak my mind.
3) I am a good listener.
4) I have a lot of knowledge about many subjects, so I constantly tell people some interesting trivia about stuff around us and can engage in interesting conversations.
5) My lack of understanding of the signals and hesitation in making the first move results in women thinking of me as a gentleman.
6) I am not the type of a guy who's flirting with women casually just for the sake of it, which is again a plus for many.

You wouldn't believe how many girls got hurt by guys who were mentally abusing them, not paying attention to their problems and concerns, cheating, playing around with other women, undermining their sense of self-worth, focused on sex and so on. Plus, for many it is refreshing to meet a guy who is interested in their intellect more than in getting into their pants.

It has not always worked out, though, I've lost two women I've considered friends because they haven't been making a move and waited for me to do it. They eventually got tired of it, felt rejected and it all crashed and burned.

And yeah, not all women are into guys like me, some want to feel dominated and having a relationship in which partner is the leader rather than being on equal footing. But enough of them are into guys like me, it seems.

In the longer run, sex is also an important part. Way too many men do not take pleasure of the partner into account, especially in these days, when there's abundance of easy to reach porn, which is of course dominated by male perspective. Women are tired of guys who think that intercourse should be like those seen in porn.

Every single one of my partners hated this stereotype. They wanted different kinds of sex depending on the mood and energy, some of them had favourite positions and saw no need to try new things. Sometimes they wanted a sensual foreplay and long intercourse, other times they wanted to get to the business ASAP, skip foreplay and make it quick. All liked that I was focused on making them feel good rather than caring only about my own orgasms. One person may find a lazy spooning in the morning when you both are mess as valid and fulfilling as doing it multiple times in a row with animal-like ferocity after a romantic, fancy dinner. All depends on their mood. Most of all, they want to feel safe, knowing that they can trust you to not do something against their will. Being a caring, respectful and understanding lover makes wonders when it comes to relationships.

I know many examples of guys who are not fitting into certain stereotype about male attractiveness but have healthy relationships with women because of their other qualities. One does not need to look like a ripped movie star to attract women and having good relationships with them.

^^^AFAIC the ones who quit you because you didn't sweep 'em off your feet, you dodged a bullet there, they would have likely been bad news for you.

sorry, but as soon as you mention food I'm distracted...

do I get chocolate icecream too?

not all the time, but them I am not always a typical gal

men only like conventional ladies and even my parents kept trying to make me play with dolls when I was growing up...

Hmm.....date: "An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest."

I guess the reason why dating hasn't much impinged on me, although I've not spent much of my life unpartnered, is because I don't go out socially very much. As far as I'm concerned, dating as such isn't an absolutely necessary precursor to partnering, and has rather a ring of mainstream ritual about it - again, I don't really do mainstream rituals.

I'm not particularly against dating - nobody in their right mind would form a partnership without first spending some time with the "candidate" to get to know each other and to decide whether they both want to proceed, and for many people going to a restaurant or a cinema or whatever would be an enjoyable backdrop for that process. I'm just saying it's not the only way. If you're communicating with a possible partner and the dialogue deviates from an everyday transaction, that's just as suitable. I'm sure many romances begin without formal dating, certainly some of mine have. If nothing else, a formal date establishes that the pair are willing to set aside time to get to know each other better.

So I don't know whether to explain how I date or how I form relationships. Dating is probably the easiest to explain. I'd become romantically interested in somebody and if it felt like they were similarly interested in me, then I'd look for some area of mutual interest (if I couldn't find one then it would be pointless dating them), and I'd simply tell them about this or that event or venue and suggest that we gave it a try together. Last time I remember doing that, it was with another amateur performer at the music club I was in, and I thought that I'd try pushing the boat out a little further by showing her a poster about an open-mic event at another club, and suggesting we went there one night.

But I've been in other relationships where things have developed through less conventional routes than that. It's been a matter of gradually drifting closer. I've always found it hard to know with any particular individual whether and when we've got to the stage where it's just friendship or something more, and I've typically held back and just coasted along until I've seen enough signs that there's a mutual romantic interest going on.

I'm sure that in some cases I've not been forward enough and they've lost patience and moved on, but being rather shy by nature, and not very proactive, I've preferred that to sticking my neck out too far. Some people are just very friendly and don't read anything into spending quite a bit of time with another person regardless of gender and sexual orientation, others seem to think that a man only has to buy a woman a drink and the writing is on the wall, so it's often been rather a black box to me. But over the years I think I've become more able to sense when I've "clicked," though I've never felt sure. I suppose some key questions are, how close does the relationship feel? Do they seem very interested in you? How intimate is the conversation? Are you opening up to each other? Do you both seem to be seeking privacy as a (proto-) couple? Are you building bonds? It can be worth steering the conversation onto relationships in general and finding out what you both want from that kind of thing in the future, what your experiences are, and whether you're looking for a relationship.

One confounding factor is that some women mean it when they say they only want friendship, others don't, and they'll do this odd "flirting" thing for the thrill of being chased. If they grin while they're doing that, it's likely just flirting, but it may be hard to tell the difference between an embarrassed grin and a "fun-loving" grin. Sometimes I've been lucky and I've barely had to risk being rebuffed at all, but it's been rare that I've ever just been able to drift into a relationship without having to do something brave. I never quite figured out why. But in the end, if a lady's heart is in the right place, then she won't rub your face in it if you take the plunge and ask for something closer than she wants. And if you don't know that her heart is in the right place, you're probably wiser to steer clear till you've figured her out better. And it's good to give them an easy way of letting you keep a bit of your dignity if you suggest they decide about you and they aren't willing. So it's often better to keep the conversation about romance general and not too stark.

Anyway, I hope that's some kind of a description for this martian anthropologist and not just a strange list of hints and tips. And being an Aspie, I can't say I know - or particularly want to know - how neurotypical mainstreamers go about these things. I've not seen much dating guidance out there that looks healthy or wise. For me to marry a neurotypical mainstreamer would have been a terrible thing, and one of my failed marriages seems to prove that.