Asperger's and relationships?

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Okay, this is going to be long, and I don't really know where to begin, so I'll just give some background info to start off:

I've recently gotten into a relationship of sorts with a girl who's got Asperger's syndrome. We're both 21, and we play in a band together, which is how we met. We met about 6 months ago.

For a pretty long period of time (about 2 or 3 months, much of which was spent together) I didn't even realize that she had Asperger's. I knew she had problems with depression and suffered from panic attacks; she also generally doesn't like large groups of people. Other than that though, I had no idea. I was pretty surprised when she told me, but since she did I've noticed some behaviors of hers that are pretty obviously signs of her illness.

The biggest manifestation of the syndrome that I notice with her is her inability to interpret nuances in conversation, such as the use of sarcasm and other figures of speech. She often becomes defensive or takes on an offended air when I say things that to normal people would not offend them. I've been extremely patient with her, and I'm not really annoyed by it, but I'm come to point where I just don't know what to do.

On some days she goes to an Autism counselor, and often on those days she completely shuts down, goes to bed, doesn't answer her phone, and pretty much does nothing. Sometimes this will last for days. I worry about her a lot during these times, but since she lives about an hour away, I can't physically be there for her. Sometimes I feel like texting her or calling her just annoys her or makes her feel pressured, so I try not to bug her too much. Still, I don't really know what to do during these times and I often feel pretty helpless about it.

We were just really close friends for about 4 months or so, but on New Year's we kissed. I told her I had a thing for her, and she felt the same way about me. We decided that we liked one another and wanted to maybe be together, but we never (and still haven't) really talked about it or the terms of it or what we really are. It was fine for the first month or so, but lately I just feel like she's been angry at me. She seems really cold and apathetic towards me, and sometimes I feel like she'll be cold to be but relatively warm to the other's in the room.

I was worried that she didn't like me the way she thought she did - and that's still a possibility, but I'm confused by the fact that she still texts me every day when we're not together, we talk online a lot, and sometimes we'll see each other and she'll leave but then she'll text me before she's even home to tell me something that she thought was funny.

She's told me a lot of personal things that she normally doesn't tell people, too.

Basically I just don't know where I stand with her or what I should do. I try to give her tons of space because she needs it, but it's just really confusing at the same time. I'll try to fill in some more details that I'm sure I've left out if you have questions. Thanks a lot.

normal people?? Be serious....

If she tells you things she doesn't tell others, then yeah you are probably #1 on her list. I definitely understand the pressure thing and my husband does not. Give her her space when needed and when she doesn't need it anymore, she'll contact you. It doesn't sound like the counseling is helping her much, but you can't tell her that--she'd have to decide that. Remember that people with Asperger's feel emotion--just express it in a different way. Get a book by Tony Atwood at your local library--I think that will help. I bet others here can post some good links to websites for you to read up on, but also remember that some of what is out there is crap like with everything. I think it is good that you are interested enough in her to learn more instead of write her off which some guys would do. Just remember there is a lot you don't know and have patience--not just with her but with yourself as you get a better understanding. Sometimes as you learn more about something (for me it was addiction and understanding how that has a hold on someone), you'll find you've made "mistakes" too. If you didn't know, it wasn't a mistake but misunderstanding. That's how I view things anyways. Good Luck.

Thanks for the quick reply! I'm really sorry about the "normal" people thing, I absolutley did not mean it that way.

I've really been trying to be patient with her and giving her the benefit of the doubt. It's hard sometimes but I really like her and I really want to be able to be there for her. I'm sure I've made some mistakes, and that worries me. But hopefully learning about her condition will help.

Edit: Sometimes I'm afraid to ask her about her problems, or about her feelings as well because I'm afraid that I'm just annoying her. I really feel like she'd prefer to not have to talk about it, so I sometimes avoid it alltogether. It's also really hard to talk to her in person, because she's a lot more reluctant. She's more vocal about her emotions when we're talking online.

I'm like that too--most people with AS are. How old is she? I am 28 and do not have an official diagnosis, but if I already told someone about the AS, I would be happy if they asked me about it. I wonder if she doesn't want to accept it in her self. Just thinking out loud here of course.

Here's some links. I am still learning a lot myself (this was a self discovery thing in December last year and I am dragging my feet on an official diagnosis) and was hoping those who are regulars here would post stuff, so if I post a weird site, you guys can jump in and let me know.

http://www.aspergerssyndrome.org/
about.com
Wiki
AS and Adults
Tony Attwood's Site

adamrobertt, I think you're the best boyfriend she could have! Your post is fine; not to worry about terminology - your intent is what matters. I am a HFA = (high-functioning) autistic and an Aspie (Aspergers Syndrome, or AS) due to my enhanced cognitive functioning. I cannot imagine what a neurotypical (NT, or 'one who is NOT autistic), must envision when interacting with an Aspie. May I suggest reading Temple Grandin's Thinking in PIctures? Or perhaps John Elder Robison's Look Me in the Eye? The latter: This one is poignant, yet fun and very readable (about AS). I think these (or related) will give you some perspective to what be baffling. Anything by Tony Attwood is great too. Aspies/Auties often find NTs confounding too - you're not alone.

For her, remember to always reassure her of your love and intent. Be direct and consistent. She cannot know what you're thinking, so tell or show her! Bonus for you: Aspies can be tremendously rewarding and patient to the core. They make loyal and true friends but, as you've noticed, are not particularly emotive. This is not a reflection on you - just part of being an Aspie. She's showing you love in other ways though. You did mention she's more open when online - very astute! Many (most?) Aspies/Auties prefer to write this sort of thing. Let her.

No worries that you wrote 'normal,' I know you did not mean ill-intent (plus it's kind of funny!); often Aspies/Auties are in fact referred to as 'foreign humans' so you're actually close to reality. I'm not neurotypical, so therefore not 'normal.'

Read posts on Wrong Planet, look at profiles. Good luck. And tell your gf she can join us, if she wants to.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RjAkoF6aITc

adamrobertt: Please click on the above link (2:27) - it's funny! I think you'll appreciate this, and learn too.