Depression and work

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I often get depressed, and I realise that a lot of it comes from having to deal with my working environment. I am currently off work sick as a result of depression, and my manager keeps inviting me to talk to her about it. That is one thing I cannot do - talk about myself. I'd much rather shut myself away from everyone and try to get my mind back in order, rather than the mess that happens at work.

Whilst work is a major contributing factor to it - certain noises and other sensitivities are unbearably painful, along with customer issues, various pressures were getting to me, and I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. Suicide was a real option to me. It is all complicated however by not having a diagnosis. The two people with whom I have discussed it at length with are both fairly convinced that there is something there and I am on the spectrum. Of these two people one is an friend I had from school who is now a primary school teacher, and has a basic understanding of ASDs as they are supposed to look for the signs in their children now, and my GP. My GP had no hesitation in referring me to a pshycologist, but as it is on the NHS, I am having to wait about a year for an appointment. 9 months in and it is really affecting me.

What affects me most is that I now "know" that I am on the spectrum, yet I cannot ask for help as it is not official. I have tried raising the issue at work, but they seem either dismissive or disinterested, and I am too weak to push the subject, as it just seems to get turned around and used against me and my current failings. I am living in a perpetual limbo, struggling to go on. I have to see the GP again next week, and I am contemplating telling her about all this, and asking to see if she can speed up my appointment. Previously she has not seen the need, as I have come across as self-sufficient as I live alone and have a job. The truth is I am still being subsidised by my father with some bills, and I am struggling to pay some others myself.

So I am stuck. In the two weeks I have been off work I have been gradually feeling better in and with myself. However, I am supposed to be back at work on Thursday, and the thought of it tonight has filled me with some of the worst anxiety I can remember experiencing. I want to run away and hide. I fear returning, the pain of the noises and environment, the awkward questions and comments, the re-establishing of the routines. I don't want to do it any more, yet I cannot afford to quit this job.

I have applied to two other jobs recently, which are more my style - scientific/laboratory based, but I am waiting to get a response. I may have them already, as I am at the family home at the moment, and will return home for the first time in about a week sometime later today.

I really need 3 things - a fresh start, help and a diagnosis one way or the other. I may then just be able to turn what is left of my pittiful life around into something resembling positive.

hitormist, if the jobs that you have applied for are your hope to do better for yourself then i'm thinking that you have a better shot of getting one of them if you still have a job when you go in for the interview. So maybe you can tough it out with that in mind. Good luck wit h that.

pen2paper the account you related of your discussion with your boss did not sound like a negative encounter to me. It actually sounds like your boss recognizes your quality of work and output.
You can find coworkers to disagree with anywhere but finding a boss who values quality and output over suckassery and schmoozing is not always easy. Keep that in mind.

I hope you can find a job that you feel comfortable with. I know how it is being depressed and in an work invironment with a bunch of other people around you all the time. I quit a job like 3 months ago and I don't get myself to work again anytime seen cuz it's just too stressful. thankfully noise and lights don't really affect me like it does you.

Working in the service industry is very depressing, I worked as a meat cutter, serving miserable customers

I can only advise you to hang in there while doing everything possible to find another job that suits you better. I've read several times that aspies suffer a lot more than NTs if they're unhappy with their job because we identify so strongly with what we do. I know this is definitely true for me; I've had some bad jobs and ended up very depressed because of them. There is a job out there for you that will make you happy so just keep trying until you find it.

Sounds like it is time to step back and have a look at the situation a little more objectively

s**t; I think I have ADD and nobody realized it and I got more and more depressed and dysfunctional in school and work as the years went on. It just accelerated; you feel like you can't do it and then you feel like you're being lazy and HAVE to do it, and that makes you depressed, and then you don't do it anyway.