Asperger's and Dosmetic Violence

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Everyone do me a favor and set people on this blog straight.

http://community.feministing.com/2009/1 ... s-and.html

Do you have a specific part in mind?

Some of my own past is very similar to some of the things posted there, and just yesterday I really had to work at dealing with some frustrations without displaying outbursts.

yeh i would not say the blog was way off. i think things can be like that for an an aspie who is not willing to try and support their partner. I think in our natural state a relationship with an NT will be difficult for both involved. I think when most people say domestic abbuse they assume physical abbuse. the blog gives me the impression this is not what it means.

I might not put people straight how you might wish. I'm just as tired of people complaining about views that don't tow the line 100%. I see nothing wrong with her entry, and it is a good discussion to make.

I will make some clarifications.

That one lady she wrote about who is in a relationship with an aspie is just a control freak. That isn't all AS.

I suspect it's this part that is causing the offense:



I was going to post a comment on their site, but they won't accept it without signing up, which looks to be a rather tiresome business. Basically they've swallowed wholesale the accusations of a small group of women, and published them with the insinuation that they're correct. They could probably do a similar hatchet job on Muslims or Jews, but that would be called racism. Frankly I don't recognise myself in the above list of crimes, though I've been on the receiving end of a few of those things from neurotypical partners. The solution is to end the relationship if it's too nasty to continue, not go to little support groups and have a whinging contest.

As for "• Lying/manipulative behaviour," how can that be, when Aspies are notorious for pathological honesty and social ineptitude?

I thought it was an excellent, thoughtful blogpost, and found nothing offensive about it.

I have been guilty of a lot of these at one time or another ( and in one way or another ) and at least four of them on a regular basis, in fact it's the regular basis which is one of the worst aspects of these behaviours.

And I also think that many of them are the result of my aspergers, ( and some of them have been the result of non-celiac gluten-intolerance, which often impacts on mood and cognitive functioning too ), ... but that this is no excuse, because everyone, whether NT, suffering from sugar-blues, whatever, is equally responsible for their own actions; being able to point to the probable mechanisms underlying a behaviour doesn't change that, though it might help one ( find out how ) to stop doing it ( so much ).

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But since you do these things and I don't, how can it be down to AS?

I don't think that the blog is suggesting that all, or most people on the spectrum do these things. I think she is wondering whether some cases of abuse, maybe many, might be the result of aspergers/autism.

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Environment, upbringing, etc; pressures which shape, which acting on the AS wiring produce different reactions, different adaptive/protective mechanisms for example. But the underlying difficulty/"fragility" is the AS? ( very "particular" social skills, etc )

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Last edited by ouinon on 27 Nov 2009, 7:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

Why would an aspie try and get their partner to cut contact with their friends or family?
Why would an aspie try and control all the money and not let their partner have some fun?
Why would an aspie not let their partner have time alone with their own interests?
I don't see lying or being manipulative as an AS trait. I have never read anywhere that it's part of AS.
Why would an aspie bully just to get their way?
Why would an aspie threaten their partner when they say they want to leave them?
Why would an aspie put their partner down?
Why would an aspie abuse their children? Why would they negelect their kids too?


I don't see any of this as AS and I see it as being a control freak. The last part, just being a mean parent and lazy. I find it freaky you try and put the blame on AS. What's your reason behind this?

I'll answer this one first because it's the one I immediately recognised at the same time as being sure that from my point of view it is not abuse:

The father of my son and I have lived together for 11 years now. He is NT, he has a big family who live in the north, and who he likes to see at holiday time. I do not, ( apart from a couple of them who are most interesting seen separately when can really talk ). After a few years of making the effort to go up to visit them I found it too much, too pointless, too stressful, and started to say "You go alone". For a long time he couldn't. And even now he finds it hard, to visit his family without his co-parent, ( we're not exactly anything else anymore ). He would like me to be there, and although he does now go to see them alone I am fairly sure he does it a lot less, and for shorter periods, than he would if I went with him.

This used to apply to his social life where ever we lived too; he felt unable to make, and see friends if I did not accompany him at some point and reasonably frequently. But recently he has begun to make friends independently, to hang out with mates at the local cafe/bar every Friday and Saturday etc, without feeling bizarre because his partner is not there too.

For a long time he used to be so miserable about my not wanting to go places/meet family/people with him, feel such embarrassment about going alone, and feel literally unable to go, as if I had literally physically stopped him, that it was as if I was isolating him, and he felt badly treated by me. Yet I couldn't see why he couldn't go alone, if he really wanted to see his family.

Not abuse, but perhaps not very generous/"giving" of me.

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This is just the standard list of traits of domestic abuse found in all literature and pamphleture . . . only in this case, they've substituted "Aspie" for the abusive spouse. I find it lazy, unfairly provocative, and highly misleading.

I would agree that several of these traits are very unlikely to be found in Aspies (lying, manipulation, etc). I've always read this list as a sum of all undesirable relationship behaviors, so its no surprise to match at least a few ... but the implication that these are, as a whole, AS traits is not appropriate.

Last edited by ouinon on 27 Nov 2009, 1:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think that the blog is suggesting that all, or most people on the spectrum do these things. I think she is wondering whether some kinds of abuse might be the result of aspergers/autism. And that this explanation ( by drawing attention to possible underlying mechanisms ) might be helpful to both NTs and AS.
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Last edited by ouinon on 27 Nov 2009, 9:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Last edited by ouinon on 27 Nov 2009, 1:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.