I feel I am defective

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I feel like I am a defective person. I am not quite able to be a person that is normal. My body is mishapen. I don't think that I am very likeable.
I am soon to become a father and I am really scared that I will not do a good job. I hold down a job now but the reason why I do well here is that I don't have to deal with people.

I just wanted to vent.

In my opinion, defective doesn't really apply for human beings. If you have a TV that doesn't get any reception, then it's defective, because a TV only does one thing and can't do that anymore when it breaks. If you have a person that's not good at a specific skill ( in my case, motor skills and socializing ), then that part of them may not be working as well as they hoped, but it doesn't cover the rest of them. People have a lot of different capabilities, and while some may be stronger than others in specific areas, that doesn't mean that they're defective.

Besides, people can always better themselves. Asperger's Syndrome may make some things much harder for us than " normal " people, but that doesn't mean we can't do them. I recently saw a therapist who told me this; even though life feels like it's been an uphill battle for me, I've still made a lot of progress. I used to fit a lot more of the stereotypical characteristics for autism than I do now, and was incredibly anti-social and specialized; I could read at age 3, but couldn't ride a bike without training wheels, or tie my shoelaces, or relate to anyone my own age. With a lot of metaphorical blood, sweat, and tears, I got to a place where I can ride a bike, tie knots, and have friends. It's still very hard for me to do any of those things, but I know that I CAN do them.

I don't know you, aubre, but this is my experience, and I hope that by sharing it I've helped you in some small way.

I've felt like that before. Please feel better soon! Don't worry about venting, we're here to listen!

Thanks for the replies. I too could read at age 3, and it did take me forever to learn to tie my shoes, I still dislike doing it. I had a long time with training wheels too.

I hate driving. If I could avoid it I would.

I have a very small circle of friends. I don't like to leave my house when I get home from work.

I've managed to develop and find a way, but I still feel like I am not enough. I feel like there are pieces of me that are missing.

aubre,

I think that's almost a univeral mood, espceially in times of change or stress. And I can't think of a more stressful time than first becoming a parent.

As Nitz said, we all have weakness and strenghts. You seems to have great strenghts...you have a good job, are in a relationship, can communicate well online. You will learn to use strenghs to become a good and caring parent. That is all you expect of yourself, to do your best.

BeeBee

Aubre,

I'm 20 years old and still stuck with a learner's permit. Driving is something that's extremely difficult for me, and I've failed the road test twice ( mainly because at the time, I was on antidepressants that made me too drowsy to drive ). There are a lot of things regarding motor skills that are hard for me as well, such as the aforementioned shoelaces and bicycles. I suspect it's hard for almost all Aspies, too. But I keep practicing, as miserable as it is, and keep learning.

If there's a developmental model for what stage people should be at all times, like when we should have our driver's licenses and how good we should be at driving, it should be thrown out the window for Aspies ( hell, for EVERYONE ). People mature at different rates and in different ways, and with Asperger's, roadblocks are placed in front of the developmental paths. But they're not insurmountable. If you feel like you're not enough, you'll get there eventually as long as you keep working at the things you want to improve.

From what it sounds like, you're already doing very well, and the insecurities you have are things that everyone, NT or Aspie, goes through as well.

I referred to myself as being defective today!

Small world...

Have you got a trenchcoat and a magnifying glass? Do you search for clues?

Nitz - It took me a while to get my license too. The first time I took the test (I was 17) I ran a red light with the state trooper in the car. I did get a license eventually. When I went to college I was so lucky that I could walk everywhere from my house, I wish I could now.

I am married and I love my wife very much but I think it is a struggle for her to get past my limitations.