Toxic Relationships

Post Reply New Topic

Have you had to write off a close family relationship because you finally realized that it was doing you more harm than good?

I know that it happens to NT's and others alike, but do you think it happens more to ASD people? I finally said 'adios' to my parents and don't plan on speaking to them probably ever again. I am much happier and more at peace w/out their constant need to try to control my life and diminish who I am.

Anyone else in the same boat?

Their your parents . . . . Surely they love you and have tried hard (assuming so). Do you think they deserve that? I'm not in the same boat, but i often break off friendships if i feel them to be toxic and putting me in moods i don't wish to be in. I only like to be around those who truly appreciate my presence.

yeah, i'm the family scapegoat and that was something that would never change, i don't think i finally understood i had to give up on them until i was about 40, although i made some attempts earlier than that, they always sucked me back in to their sick game.

OMG, yes! Do I have the stories...! ! Verbally abusive since childhood. That is no good for anyone. I am only sorry it has taken me this long to get wise. They have gone from child to child in the family like that. Now that I am no longer part of the pecking order, they have taken their abuse and passive/aggressive behavior to my younger sister, who doesn't have the fortitude to tell them to go away.

Postperson, I just turned 50 and thought it was only me they didn't like. I didn't get wise until only a few months ago.

My mum was pretty controlling at times, but she meant well.
My problem is with my sister, she has always made my life a living hell.
We are not children anymore but she's still as bossy and rude as ever.
What finally made me break is her thinking me having AS is no big deal.
My whole life she has made it sound like any pain (emotional or physical) I go through is no big deal.
I've actually had 10 years of physical pain, worse than anything she'll ever experience and she thought I was overreacting.

I know what you mean. My parents would go from laughing to "Boy, you're in bad shape. You're gonna die pretty soon" to "everyone has that."

I was the family scapegoat too. I cut all contact with my siblings when I was 40. I cut contact with my parents too, but then a couple years later my siblings cut contact with my parents because they were old and sick and useless to them anymore, so out of overwhelming, incontrollable compassion I renewed contact with my parents and I'm their only contact in the world. I give them my all, they have horrible illnesses. It's very hard taking care of them when I'm all alone and struggling with my own life, forever being fired from jobs in my late forties, and I may be a sucker for it, but nobody will ever enjoy this "suckerness" from me again except them. This being a sucker is something I would only ever do for my parents. After all, apart from all the abuse, they gave me a couple tools to fight with in life, otherwise I wouldn't have stood a chance at survival with my social retardedness.

Having to cut contact with one's parents is one of the hardest experiences someone will ever have to go through. I don't allow ANYONE who hasn't had to go through the same experience to give me their opinion and much less, advice.

Yes. I broke off all communication with my birth family about 30 years ago and have been so much the better for it since then. It was a toxic situation. Unfortunately, not every family is a loving one. Not every mother wants to have the kids she bears (but is stuck with for various reasons). Not every father wants to be involved or shoulder any responsibility for the emotional welfare of their children and/or partner. In short, sometimes life doesn't resemble a Christmas Card.

There are many people who have no emotional bond to their families, I would think. I've met several. In my case, I found substitute "families" over the years - various groups of people would become close, share the holidays, serve the same roles - before we each drifted off in our own directions over time. And found new "families" as new people drifted in.

Not having "family" in the traditional sense is no great curse, except when well-meaning, but clueless, people make "tsk, tsk" noises and offer you false pity when they push for information long enough that you finally tell them you are not in contact with your blood relatives. I've always found it a bit odd that people, NTs seemingly especially, assume that your life and family is in any way similar to theirs and so the lack of "family" is such a great tragedy. Just as odd as the continual push for such personal information that is, quite frankly, none of their business. Equally annoying were the teachers over my earlier years, in whom I tried to confide, who would dismissively say "Well, I'm sure your parents love you and are doing what's best for you" - without looking further into situations which no responsible adult could possibly say involved "loving" actions.

You have to do what is best for you - you can't let yourself be tied into truly bad situations that are not going to change no matter what you do or wish. If walking away from a parasitical situation, or an abusive one, is how it has to be, then walk and enjoy the time you have left in the world.

I didn't talk to my father for... I think it was 17-18 years. When he was dying my sister tried to reason with me, but the scares ran too deep. She never did understand what he did to me, but then she was always 'daddy's girl'. I've removed friends of the family from my life also. If someone is leeching the life out of you, or genuinely out to make your life miserable it's only healthy to cut them loose. Even Dr. Phil says that (though I hate to quote him)

I am not sure why we are supposed to take bad behavior from our relatives, but I don't think it is right. If a stranger treats us like we don't matter, like we are less than we can be, we are encouraged to distance ourselves, so I am not sure why one has to suck it up and take the abuse with a family member.

I have an aunt who is quite toxic. I don't let her in my house when I don't have to. Sometimes it is required, but my life is much happier without her selfish mean-spirited abusive face in it. She apparently even has friends who have "suddenly" stopped talking to her after 20 years of friendship, she can't see why they would distance themselves. Gee, not a mystery to me, by any stretch of the imagination - they became fed up with her attitude. If I never had to see her again, it wouldn't cause me grief. Life is too short to put up with the bullies.

I've had alot of problems with my family so I would say yes. For a long period of time me and my mother stopped talking alltogether. She had previously went around telling people I abused her and then recently claimed I said something which turned alot of the family against me. I left and got an apartment with my ex. She apologized but then we had problems with her telling me how she thinks my exgirlfriend was a fat slut so I said if you can't talk politely about her then fine we'll go back to how things were. About 2 months afterwards she aplogized and since me and my exgirlfriend broke up shes been trying hard to repair the relationship.

As I see it people either contribute or contminate a relationship (damn I'm the 2nd person to quote dr phil) and if they can't contribute to my life regardless of their affiliation they need to move on so I can find someone who will. I don't talk to certain portions of my family because of this. My family life is alot like what I saw on Smallville with Lex and Lionel Luthor.

I rarely see or speak to my mother because of how twisted she is, for me it was easy to walk away from her... Unfortunatly it was much harder for me to accept my step mother, who is the best thing that has ever happened to my life in terms of moving it forward. Without my step mother, I probably would still be undiagnosed, and probably be being treated for things I don't have, like ODD. Its easy to push someone away, it is hard to replace that person with someone who is worthwhile, even if you have found the one who belongs there.

I had to walk away from a toxic family, too. I finally realized that if they weren't willing to do the right thing when I was pregnant at 12, then that was when the writing was on the wall. It just took me 20 years to see it. Families are hard that way, since we need them so much.

This thread gives me a chance to promote one of my favourite self-help books: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum. Containst 36 diagnostic questions on whether to stay in or leave a relationship, based on research. First question: when your relationship was at its best, how good was it? If it was never very good, even at its best, it's generally not worth staying. A lot of times, people cling to relationships that were never good to begin with, and are usually happier if they leave.

yes. i have nothing to do with my father, in spite of his attempts to'heal old riffs" before he dies.
I also live far away from my family. that was a conscious decision ten years ago because i got so overwhelmed by them and the dynamics which i could not detach from adequately. THey are really great people by the way.

Last edited by millie on 04 Jan 2009, 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

My family are pretty rough too and extremely crazy, but i still do good by them. I do definitly try to get as much time as i can away from them too at times though. But then theres this other part of me who's too dependent on them and it sucks because they sometimes rub it in my face.

[quote="Nan"Not every father wants to be involved or shoulder any responsibility for the emotional welfare of their children and/or partner. [/quote]

correct, "sperm donor" vs "Father" as Michael Baisden would say

(have to snicker and WTF as I only overhear my mother listening to that sometimes, I typed that )

Eh. I rarely saw my father so that's not too bad, I don't get what's wrong. Then again I grew up mainly as an only child most of the time living with single mother and grandparents helping, glad of no half-siblings like that 'once-a-week' visitation and all that.

made it small in case no one cares