Dealing with the injustice in the world

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I am currently having a problem with feeling angry at the world.

I guess I should start by saying that my childhood was very unpleasant. I was often accused and punished for things I didnt do. There was many times when I would accidentally come off as rude or uncooperative, not because I intended to be so, I just didnt conform the way everybody thought I should have. I was also rather unpopular, and generally used as the scape goat whenever anything went wrong. My teachers constantly berated me for not fitting in, or trying hard enough, and my classmates weren't the friendliest bunch. My family wasn't exactly kind and supporting either. Combined with the general stress and anxiety that comes from not fitting in, and you can imagine that I have some painful memories from that time. I dont want to go into all of the details, but to make a long story short, I was not treated very well as a child. I was depressed for most of my childhood and contemplated suicide on several occasions. I realize that there are people who had a rougher time then I did, but that doesnt seem to make my pain feel any less real.

Anyways, things have been improving for me slowly as I grew up. Once I made it to college, I wasn't treated like a criminal by my teachers. And I managed to reduce contact with my family as much as possible by constantly being away. There was also no mandatory socializing in college like there was in high school, which also helped alleviate many of my problems. 3 months ago, I finally got a good job in engineering and moved out on my own. I was also able to move to a new state and effectively start over with a clean slate. I finally have a place to myself with nobody mistreating me or harassing me. Nobody here bothers me and tells me to get out more. Nobody here complains that my best isnt good enough. My boss and coworkers are very kind people. I also enjoy my job, and have pretty good job security. The past 3 months have honestly been the best time of my life.

But yet I cant seem to let go of the past. Every time I hear about a coworker's child I am reminded of my own childhood. Every time I visit the parent's forum and try to help, I bring up memories that I dont want to remember. Even simple things like hearing a child's voice on the radio makes me cringe. I know that my childhood is done and I dont have to deal with it anymore. I just seem to have trouble putting it behind me. Every day I hear about how children are mistreated, and abused with no ability to defend themselves, and I cant help but feel angered by this. I know what it is like to be on the other end. But perhaps more problematic is that it makes me feel somewhat afraid. I finally think that I have gotten through the problems of my childhood, and then I am reminded of them all over again. I feel the same fear and anger I felt as a child and I dont want to feel that way. I know my fear is irrational, I am a grown man perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Nobody is going to come busting down my door and mistreating me like I was as a child. Yet despite rationally accepting the fact, I still cant shake the feeling.

For those of you who have had problems similar to this, how have you managed to move on? I know that forgiveness is the first step, but forgiving people doesnt mean I forget what they did, or that I can control what emotions I feel. Do you people have any useful advice in this manner?

accept it

the world is life and death, the universe is creation and destriction. there will always be pain, and it will last untill death.

nothing you can do about it. wasting time wishing it was different wont do you any good. just accept it. i sometimes try really hard to "feel" the unimaginable horrendous agony a zebra must experience, when throttled to death by a lion. we just shrug it off, cus its just a zebra.

but imagine.
and its like a thousand zebras a day, thousands of people a day, millions of rodents and billions of fish and trillions of bugs a day.
you cant worry about it. observe the world, but remember that theres NO point in waiting for justice or nobility. the world works solely by reaction and interation, which means, more pain, more death, but also life and joy. most zebras are happy

if your life sucks, then it sucks. lower the standards for joy, if necesary, and just accept the now as it is. work what you can for a better reality for yourself, but dont bother with too much wishing.
i wish stuff too, and sometimes i have to grab at my head, and sigh and stuff, but i accept that everything is as it is, the"now" is here, and cannot be altered when it has allready arrived.

Just because you didn't intend to be rude and uncooperative doesn't mean you were not being rude and uncooperative.

You did intend to not conform like everyone else does. That is being rude and uncooperative.

That is my advice.

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"
. . .Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

everyone refers to gandhi, as an inspiration and motivation to "change the world" for the better.

he didnt. he changed india.
:]

he changed himself, that was all that was necessary.

Merle

Often these things hit us once we feel safe. There's a mourning process you go through. (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the stages.) You could put on an imaginary black arm band for a year and see if that makes a difference. Just give yourself time.

The other approach is to consider the possiblity that there's still an unaddressed injury to work through - that you haven't gotten free yet in some way. After all, you no longer have a family and that may hurt a lot. There's a really good book on forgiveness (research based) by Beverly Flanagan called Forgiving the Unforgivable, that looks at what people actually go through in real life in order to reach true forgiveness. No shoulds, I promise. It might help you put things into perspective if you read up on what other people go through.

Good luck, and congratulations on the job. Some of us don't manage the transition to work so well.