Marital tension - anyone relate to this scenario?

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I've heard it asked if people would tell a blind person that they were using their lack of sight as an excuse? What's the difference between that and telling an Aspie the same thing? We all learn to compensate so that we can live in an "N/T world" but when we are overloaded all of our effort that would normally go into compensating, goes into just holding on so that we can keep standing and not end up in a heap on the floor.

Thank you - exactly.

I feel like I am living in "holding."

1. one day at a time. things can get better with NT's unexpectedly, for subtle reasons that we dont understand. just cling on and give it time, things may improve
2. you can give him love by (a) being attractive and ready for sx i.e. showered, clean clothes, hair done (This is a language he will understand and react to deep down; he has no defence against it)
3. (b) being pro-active on sx service e.g. bl**-j** or whatever (similarly, deep, deep language for a man)
4. just do stuff that you know means something to him. Just allocate 15 mins to having a slow chat with him. Go with him to watch the game. Again these are deep languages.
And they don't really cost you that much.
Put them in your schedule. Expect to do them each day. It's a necessary maintenance procedure as part of your relationship, just like servicing the car. You don't get this relationship for free.

At the weekend it sounds like you maybe need some 'me time'. Maybe you can find that when he's asleep? (esp after the above recommendations lol) Or when he's watching the game? Give him permission to - watch the game, go to movies, go drinking with friend(s).

He basically loves and is attracted to you; these demandings show that he wants this to work.

If he had given up, was asking for nothing etc, that would be the bad news.

Thank you - good advice if I was in a different situation - but I just "can't." I "won't."

I have made a decision - I am going to bounce it off my doctor - but I think it is final. He told me aspies are loyal and blah-blah-blah ... well, yes, I have been loyal - but I am tired. I cannot do this for another 20 years and I won't - I have been worried about "everybody" else - and I still catch crap ... so, I may as well catch it all and move on - we have nothing in common, sex is gone for a long time, there is so much more going on here. Every weekend it comes painfully to a head. I am soooo tired.

I have tried - instead of learning about AS in a constructive way - he is learning just enough to tell me I am even doing AS wrong - I told him I liked that a I met a girl who likes bird watching and did not do small talk and we had such a great talk. He said - well, that is not your special interest so you could not have liked it - then he told me Susy and Johnny going out is a fact - so if I like facts so much, there should be no big difference between social facts and information facts. OH F*** off - that is a stupid, petty little example - why bother even talking. He stands and tries to argue the case - I was just telling him about my day - how did we get to the challenge my story bit? The doc tried to teach him a few things - he will agree and forget it, or we leave and he says he didn't know what the doc was talking about - but he doesn't bother finding out or taking my word for it. I gave him a couple of books - he flipped through and criticized them, told me he didn't have time but he'd get to them - but he read his financial book with a highlighter. He is all smiles as long as I am doing housework and I have cooked dinner - Good girl - be a good girl. NO.

Anyways - these are petty examples - but they are part of the bigger, unhappy picture. Truth be told - I just don't want to anymore - I just do not want to. This is rather rant-y and scattered - but I am just done. I keep thinking I have to be nice. NO.

ah it feels tough.

let me try some more thoughts!

1. the Bible says 'love the partner of your youth', in others words look through where you are today (wrinkly bodies etc) and remember back to when you courted and married. I guess you liked him, as he was then, a bit?

and when you see him today, see the old him, talk to the old him, speak love languages to the old him.

the old him is still in there. he does not want to be bitter, nasty. he actually would much rather you were together, sharing, as you used to do.

he is probably hurting because being married to an Aspei is hard, hard, hard. little emotional feedback, etc..

2. i know you feel bitter, dead etc., but by loving him as above you will actually love yourself. do not make any rules about how you will feel. you may be surprised by the chemistry between you, by old memories, by little smiles.

3. do some radical things to take you both on a time journey back to the old times. it may feel corny, schmaltzy, pretty much totally impossible in your situation. but do it anyway.
make him some old food he used to love (i know you dont want to, but you will find you are loving yourself by doing so; your internal iceberg will melt a little too.
drive some place together that used to mean something to you both. an old walk you used to do. a restaurant you havent been to for years. a beach. some place you had outdoors sx

4. touch, be available, . this will let him know you are available for sx if he wants. he'll likely take time to thaw.

5. write down the + and - of being married, not just now, but in 10 years, in 20 years, in 30 years
+ companionship
+ mutual care for each other
+ shared memories to revisit together
+ laughter together
+ less lonely
+ saves all the fr***ing hassle of trying to find another partner
+ someone to take the trash out
+ someone to pick up a shovel in the night when you hear a frightening sound
+ someone to do the bills/tax return
+ someone to do the awkward phone call you dont want to make
+ someone to go to the restaurant with
+ someone who will remember your birthday
etc


6. see advice on these threads; e.g. menchman on http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt207413.html including reading the david finch book

7. drop any demanding you're making; that he be perfect, that you be perfect, that he love you, that he like you, that you love him, that you like him, that you have great days every day, that you have great hours every hour, that you get all you want from the relationship for zero cost and work, etc etc.. No 'Must-ing's or Should-ings!


8. have a fun adventure!; including seeing your own heart soften

You are very generous taking time to share your thoughts and encouragement. I really want to acknowledge that - thank you.

He is actually not the partner of my youth and we married when I was under duress. In fact, he moved in very quickly. I did not know how to 'get out', and so I just tried to please and hold on.

Oops - I have to stop for bit ...

I know I'm going to probably get flamed for this, but I have to...
Please, please, PLEASE... Do not use the Bible to support your arguments.

I stayed in a relationship that I knew was over longer than I should have simply because I thought it was the "right" thing to do. I was miserable, she was miserable, we finally figured out we were happier apart even though we had been married for 20 years.

Don't try to convince someone to stay because you think God says they should. God doesn't work that way.

I do agree that reading David Finch's book is a good idea for aspies in a relationship. It really opened my eyes to some of my behaviors.

MadCatUSA not flame you at all - the opposite, accept your criticism. I find that bit of Bible teaching hopeful and useful, but accept for others it may come with lots of adverse cultural baggage.

Sorry to hear your post above ref problems with neighbours upstairs and tough work week. I have similar 'system crashes' sometimes, which cause me to lock up and my thought processes to turn negative. I'm wondering how I can recognise better when things are happening that will cause them, so that (a) I can try to stop the crash that time (rest? time alone? watch favourite film?), and (b) I can do things to stop the inputs from happening in future (not raise my expectations that today may be great, expect problems and lack of progress every day).

I was impressed with your perspective with what was happening to you, and wondered if you tried to self-manage in those situations? and prevent them recurring?

All the best

Thank you for not responding in the way that I have become accustomed to when dealing with people who declare themselves to be "Christians". So often, the people that I see that declare themselves "Christians" act nothing like it. I see myself as a Christian, but NOTHING like what most people perceive as being "Christian" in America today. The path I follow is more or less what Jesus actually preached, NOT what people are interpreting. Surprisingly, the path is more Buddhist than anything followed by most Christians. Sorry to go down such a bunny trail here, but I felt a bit of background was important.
I use meditation with music when I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed, but mostly for day-to-day things, I just play World of Warcraft. I find it very relaxing to play and I don't have to deal with people face to face.
The neighbor situation has resolved itself. They were evicted a couple weeks ago, so it's been peaceful since.

I'm not always able to recognize when I'm in the middle of a "shut down" or a full blown melt down, but usually if I find myself becoming irritated at people around me, or I'm snapping at things that normally wouldn't bother me, it sends a red flag that maybe I need to take a time out. Daily, it's a battle. It's something that I dealt with without knowing what was going on for years. I just do the best I can by carefully observing the reactions of the people around me to my behavior.

thanks yes that's very helpeful. in a shut-down somehow I can't judge my own behaviours (they seem justified); looking at others may be an easier judgement to make objectively

many thanks

[quote="JCJC777thanks yes that's very helpeful. in a shut-down somehow I can't judge my own behaviours (they seem justified); looking at others may be an easier judgement to make objectively
many thanks[/quote]

I use that for most everything. I have a difficult time sometimes determining if my humor is out of line so I pay close attention to the reactions of those around me. I don't always know when I'm being annoying. So, again, I pay attention to those around me. It's made me very good at reading people, reading their emotional states and determining how to react. It is something we can all learn if we work at it.