Adults with AS, how do you find eye-contact?

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too long and it's like staring into the sun. But it's easier when in a good mood, or with family. Maybe also with lovers.

This is the main reason most people eventually get uncomfortable around me and certain people are immediately upon meeting me. I believe it might be something that most of us coud fake if we only knew exactly what to do with regards to when and how long.

I was watching Andy Murray being interveiwed earlier before his match and because he has those bulging eyes it was really easy to see what exactly they were doing.
While the interviewer (pretty much a stranger to Andy I'd guess) was asking him a question Andy woud keep his eyes locked on the interviewers eyes then as soon the interviewer stopped talking Andy looked down and to the right, he would start to answer the question (usually with something non-comittal 'um' 'eer' 'well' to give him time to retreive the answer) and his eyes, while still looking down and to the right, would scan back and forth as though he were reading text on a page. Whe he got to the point of his answer he would look directly into the eyes of the interviewer as if to drive home what he was saying emphasizing his words as he connected with that eye contact. I was too interested in this first par to notice what happened after.

I can feel that eye contact is going to be a new Interest for me. It is painful to do but like all pain it's all in the mind and can be overcome. Just doing it won't fix the problem though, if you hold eye contact for the required 50-60% of the duration of a conversation then an NT will still sense something is wrong as the chances are you'd be doing it at the wrong times.

It's worth noting that it's not the NTs fault that they find our eye contact problems unnerving, it's an innate behaviour which I guess is completely subconscious for them. When you meet an NT and you don't offer up the normal eye contact they get a feeling that something isn't right, depending on the type of person they'll assume that feeling means either that you don't like them, in which case they'll either be hostile or just avoid you, or that you are hiding something so they won't be able to trust you. It's natures in built lie detector test and it's mandatory every time you speak to someone.
I've overheard conversations about myself along the lines of 'I don't trust him but I can't tell you why', at the time I couldn't understand why they'd think that of me as I thought I'd never shown any untrosworthy behavour but now I see what it was.

Anyone else interested in this would do well to look into neuro linguistic programming (NLP) which if I could choose my interests would be one I'd pick for sure. NLP isn't about eye contact but it is about knowing what's going on in peoples heads just by looking at them which would be pretty useful for any of us.

I am 36 and am better at it than I was in childhood [I would always look at the ground] but it will always be something I have to make myself do, as is the case with most things involving my interaction with most other people.

Eye contact is about as difficult for me at age 26 as when I was a child.

I'm 31 and fairly new to the AS arena though come to find out i'm pretty sure i've had it all my life... what this brings to my attention is all those people who assume others are staring at their breast but in all actuality have AS and eye contact is just uncomfortable.. I notice a lot of time running into ppl briefly and chatting and then after the fact i'll ask myself, did i even look at that person i just talked to and then make the suggestion to myself that next time i talk to someone i should really try making more eye contact, but i never do, and today i caught myself looking at a guy in a car driving past me and i felt like imidiately i blushed and looked away, so more and more i realize just how little i do make eye contact with ppl, but if i am intently having a conversation about something i am comfortable talking about its a little easier making eye contact with someone, unless the conversation goes on and on then it gets uncomfortable and i start thinking about it more..

I did an extra curricular in high school called Academic Decathlon. I was great at all the "exams" but one... They made you do an interview. My coach apparently noticed that I didn't make very much eye contact (though, at the time, I had no idea I had AS). He simply told me to fix my eyes at a point on someone's face that's near the eyes. As long as it looks like you're making eye contact, it's enough for most people. I still use that to this day. I don't ever look at people's eyes, but they seem blissfully unaware of the fact. Oh.. and the point on their face is different for each person. I definitely tend to stay away from any obvious blemishes as that usually makes the person self-conscious. (I guess they've gotten used to people looking at the anomaly?) But I'll usually do that while they are talking to me. When they have a break for my response, I typically don't look at them that I'm aware of. I've never had anyone think I was brushing them off at least (that I'm aware of).

"Hey, I'm over here." I've heard this all my life. My eyes always seem to go to the right. And not just when I'm looking at people. I tend to look at my hands when I talk to people. I can fake eye contact when needed, but it hurts. Really it hurts! After a few seconds it's like the effort of holding a heavy weight. I can't think and do it at the same time. Plus I worry about what my face is doing while I'm gaping at sombody. Sometimes a person will move his face to where I'm looking. Hate this. I told a guy one that it was nothing personal: I have a neurological problem. "Oh, I'm sorry." Yeah, so get your face out of my damn eyes!

In the public eye topic

When I look at eyes my mind wanders so that I am not always conscious of looking at another's soul windows.

The discomfort comes when I am in with two or more other people and I cannot juggle with more than one set of eyes, as in this case I cannot let my mind wander and still focus on the discussion/conversation. This may be one reason for my lack of social desire.

Well, I have no problem with eye contact. But I know a couple of my friends who has bigger troubles with it. But they have a tip : look at the nose. I know, it sounds too easy, but they say that it works.

I initially learned about autism by how NTs describe our differences. The result is that I have found out more about NTs – interesting creatures! They are great at nonverbal communication!!

Eye contact has gotten easier as my eye sight has worsened. Nothing like a natural blur to soften an image.



I have found it interesting to “read” NT body language, facial expressions , and subtle tone of voice, but it is a lot of effort when I am also trying to listen to their words and form a sensible response. By looking at people’s eyes as they look away I can get most (just a guess – hard to gage what is missing) of their whole body/verbal message.



...but like mikemmlj, there are limits to what I will tolerate. I yam who I yam (Popeye), and looking into another’s eyes is not who I yam! NTs gotta get over themselves!!



I just read in the wrong planet social suggestions that eye contact gives a flight or fight reaction. Millie seems to know how she feels, but for me it is too intense to call it anything other than a whole-body shock.

Interestingly, most dogs use eye contact in a limited way because it is a very strong communication tool. Looking in the eye can easily spark a dog fight. However, some breeds such as collie types, have been specifically bred to look you in the eye. My most recent rescue is an Australian shepherd who loves to fondly gaze deep into my eyes (he has one pale blue and one mahogany eye), but it doesn’t bother me a bit!

Looking people in the eye can be easy or difficult depending on my mood.

If I want to make a serious point, I'll stare them right in the eye and often, they'll back down.

Otherwise...usually just don't look at people.

i am not interested in peoples eyes. i fail to be interested to look in the direction of their eyes. i do not care about where people are looking or what they are looking at.

eyes are just shiny balls in peoples heads. once i have seen them, i do not need to see them again because i have a good memory.

sometimes i may practice looking in someones eyes for a minute, but they always perk up into some new character that i do not understand when i look at their eyes.
they know something that i do not know. i do not understand people "warming up" to me without reason, and me just looking at their eyes is no reason i can understand for them to "warm" to me.

i feel like i am entering a pandora's box of complications when i look at people's eyes.
the people who own the eyes i look at impute all kinds of motives to me, and they are always wrong.
it is best to look where my interests are, and that is not in peoples faces.

I remember hearing from just about every adult, in early childhood, "look me in the eye!! !". Being punished harshly for not doing so, made me get over it pretty quickly, so I can barely remember the time when it bothered me. I still do not do it correctly though, I stare too much, or look away wrongly, etc. At this point though, I don't care, I can fake it for short amounts of time and that is enough for my needs.

I think it´s wrong to force someone to have eye-contact. I don´t remember this, but my mother has told me that I didn´t seek eye-contact as a child. She let it be, and only forced me to eye-contact when we had an argue. And, what I mean with this is that the less coercive and more explanation is the key.

I would like to do this as a poll, but I don't know how....


Should ASD kids be taught to look others in the eye?


Absolutely, they gotta learn!

Not if too stressful...

Leave the poor dears alone!

It took me many years to realize what a social disability this can be. I think the issue was first broached by my psychological counselors who seemed truly puzzled. I recall one particular counselor pressing the issue by asking what I thought would happen if I looked him in the eye. I honestly did not know. But the sensation was discomforting. This was years ago when AS was hardly known and never diagnosed.

I try to practice holding peoples' gazes for short intervals during conversation. But sometimes I am just not up to this. Or alternatively, if my gaze becomes locked with someone else for very long, a kind of "brain freeze" sets in and I have to get away and reboot. Does anyone else experience this?

I think I have gotten better at eye contact over the years, although I can't be sure. I have reached the age where strangers and casual acquaintances take me less seriously, which is both good and bad.