Being heard and resentment in a long term relationship

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Hi, I am male Aspie in a 4 year relationship, 1 year married.

I was diagnosed 2 years ago and I am still trying to work out how to be in a meaningful relationship where I feel heard AND my wife feels heard.

We had a pretty big disagreement recently. She works in an environment that has been causing her a lot of stress and grief lately. Its been getting worse and she spends more and more time being upset at home over her job situation over the last several months.

I am having a hard time with this change. I enjoy her being happy and and therefore in the moment and spending some quality time with her in the evenings or weekends. I feel like I am getting less and less of that. Now, I completely understand that shes not purposely doing this, she was even diagnosed with general anxiety disorder about 2 months ago, which greatly helped me be more patient and understanding.

Now for the recent dispute. While she was having a hard time with work at home, I (now understandingly at the wrong time) mentioned how things have been getting worse and that its hard on me as well. She became very upset and told me I am selfish and I don't understand how hard it is for her. I immediately defend myself with telling her that I am not upset with her but that I am just stating whats happening, kind of like an unfortunate situation like a drought. My intent was not to tell her she sucks but just to state this feeling I've been having. I defended my self by trying to explain to her that I wasn't trying to make things worse, and she respond with how impatient I am, and respond back with I wasn't trying to hurt her and it just cycled and heated up from there.

After the fact this reminded me of point 2 from this website.

http://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/10/22/ ... ge-part-1/

So I apologized just now and and she seemed to be okay with the understanding.

My big issue is that I also want her to understand that I am not trying to hurt her, that I am not purposely being a jerk. It makes me feel crazy that she thinks this and that for the sake of the relationship I let my stance go. This type of fight is the main cause of grief in our relationship. I know that it can be better if I try to do this but it makes me feel unheard and not appreciated. I don't really know who to talk to and how to make myself feel better and not resentful. I have learned I cant talk to her, she is far too defensive of her feelings.

I mean i do feel like its fair that if I hurt her feelings that I should let her be upset with me and I should let it go (after the fact), but I feel its unfair because I didn't actually mean to do it. This resent I end up taking up with her, but its more like an intrinsic part of being an aspie and being in a relationship with a nt. I dont know how to deal with this resentment, I appreciate that at some level its unfair to her.

It seems like you ended it in the best possible place. It might take her some time to adjust to the idea that you didn't mean to hurt her...or she might not even consider intent at all--just that she got hurt. Give her time and try not to let any resentment build.

Learn from it. Remember next time she is having a hard time to be there for her instead of complaining about your needs not being met. I think it's fine and valid that you say it, but it needs to be in a context where you have already offered her MORE than ample support and in a completely non-blaming way. Actually blame the work situation, so that you are both on the same side. It's a tricky thing to do all that, and it's safer to just not complain about her not meeting your needs when she's stressed.

First, you've been together four years, so she probably has a pretty good sense of who you are. I doubt she would have married someone she thought was a jerk.

Second, it seems like you're conflating the issues. She's having a hard time with work and you want to spend more QT with her. The QT issue merits its own separate conversation, like screen_name said. Find a time when she's not upset about work to bring up how you feel. I know it's hard because it's an illustrative situation but when you turn the conversation from her struggle at work into your struggle at home, you're taking away her expression of how she feels ("selfish"). Also, she didn't get to close the emotional circuit she needs to tie up the work conversation and focus on you ("impatient"). It's not letting it go as much as it is recognizing a no-win situation: she isn't able to take in and respond to what you're saying when she's upset about work. Think of how you feel when you're overloaded. It's identically different.

Also, I believe everyone responds better when things are framed positively. If she has anxiety she's probably prone to ruminating about things like work and it becomes habitual over time. Create or find a situation where you guys are both happy and not talking about work and express how happy you feel about it. Don't frame it in a conversation about how your needs aren't being met, but do so simply because you really like how you're spending time with her at that moment and you need this. Stay present.

Her being able to complain to you about her stress at work should be quality time.

Anxiety tends to be self-sustaining though, so probably her talking about it isn't a weight off her chest so much as potentially reinforcing the anxiety.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. We've been married for 5. (I'm "NT" and he's undiagnosed "AS.") First of all, everyone is different and I can't say for sure whether your wife shares my perspective. And I also apologize in advance if I don't make my point eloquently. My husband and I just had a similar disagreement and I'm a bit drained.

I know my husband doesn't intend to hurt me when he tells me things that end up hurting my feelings. If your wife knows your AS diagnosis, and wants to make it work, I'm hoping and guessing deep down inside, she probably knows that, too. Even if you think she thinks you're being a jerk and says so, she may not really think that. Confusing, I know.

Unfortunately, after 6 years with my hubby, I can't say that's ever going to change. I feel as though I've improved a lot when it comes to being defensive with my feelings. From my perspective, I hold back a lot. My husband often does things or says things that hurt me but I bite my tongue because I feel like once I start going down that road, it doesn't end well.

Having said that, I still blow up. And I blow up quite a bit these days. Within the past couple of years, we went through three miscarriages, my dad was in a coma for eight months and before he passed away, my mom became terminally ill. My mom now lives with us and we now have three children. I've had to go back to work full time and, well, long story short, I have a lot on my plate. Emotionally, I'm a mess. I'm stressed to bits -- not unlike your wife -- and I find my fuse is getting shorter and shorter by the day.

It's really tough. When things get rough, and I'm not happy for whatever reason, I know it affects my husband, as well. Even if he doesn't tell me, I can see it. I often complain that my husband, who's generally content, picks the worst times to be down or upset about something. I feel like when I'm stressed, that's when he is also sad or depressed, which makes me feel like I'm receiving even less support than the little I'm already getting (and as the stereotype goes, NTs often feel not emotionally supported even when they're not stressed!).

It makes me feel as though he's asking more of me during a time when I'm not sure I'm physically and emotionally capable of giving more. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't think he should ever be "blue" but, it often coincides with my dark times, and if me being low makes him low, it makes me lower, and we both spiral downward, and it makes me feel he wasn't strong enough to hold me up in my time of need. When he's low and I'm not, I do my best to support him. But I feel when I'm low, he's always low, too. It makes it harder to deal with my stressors. I feel like this is unfair.

From my perspective, when I'm stressed out, it physically and emotionally tires me. And the best way to get me out of that funk is to have some emotional support. I feel as though this doesn't make logical sense to my AS husband. He even reminded me of a stand-up comedian's joke just the other day where the man made fun of his wife, who cries when she's tired. He said, when he's tired, he goes to sleep. It's a funny joke, but emotionally supporting a wife when she's emotionally drained due to stress, really does wonders. When a woman feels emotionally supported, it gives her more energy and her worries are lifted. When her worries are lifted, she actually gets more rest because her worries aren't keeping her awake. When I'm stressed out, it emotionally drains me, which physically drains me. When I turn to my husband for support, he tells me something similar like what sparked your argument with your wife. And I do blow up, even though I know he didn't intend to hurt me.

First of all, I think it's instinct to react. I can see other NTs, not just wives of AS husbands, emotionally reacting this way to that statement. But, I also know when you're stressed out, your body is constantly in fight or flight mode. Now, that was great back in the day when we lived in caves and had to fend off predators but nowadays, that kind of reaction tends to trigger a physiological reaction in the body that I think worsens emotions.

Usually, in these situations, I wonder why, if the situation upsets him, he doesn't just do something to help me feel emotionally supported, which would make me feel happier, and have more energy to give him what he wants. And basically, when I'm happy, he's happy. But it's often when I'm lowest, I feel he demands more from me because something has changed and me not being happy also makes him not happy. Anyway, I feel like I'm not making sense, and if you're in the same situation, I feel like you may already have an inkling of where I'm coming from. And this is just a snippet of how I feel. There's so much more I could share, but it wouldn't fit in this post.

Again, I fully understand he doesn't intend to hurt me and he just states things as fact. Put it this way, a lot of AS people on this forum talk about how much work it is to consciously try and behave "normally" to try and fit in. Trying not to react "normally" when an AS says things is also emotionally draining for an NT. So, if I'm already stressed out and emotionally drained, I don't often have the patience to just sit back and pretend what he said didn't hurt my feelings.

From my perspective, I feel my husband has started to resent me, as well. I'm not sure if he would call it that but, he has been telling me I've been emotionally unstable and verbally abusive. I feel like it's because he doesn't understand how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. Again, all it's doing is pushing me further and further into depression because rather than maybe emotionally building me up, he's telling me things that make me feel worse. I don't really think he believes I'm verbally abusing him, but it's his way of being direct and blunt about how my reactions affect him, which makes me feel even more of a failure.

I don't know when or if there will be a good time to bring this up to your wife, but you might not resent her, if she's able to receive better emotional support. And if she feels she's not getting that from you, and I'm not saying she isn't because I don't know enough about your situation, I wonder if she would feel better if she got more of it from others? It may help her not react as much when you do express your feelings like you did in the situation you shared. If she's happier, than there would be less opportunities for you to feel this kind of resent.

From what I've read online from NT wives who stayed married to their AS husbands for 40, 50 or 60 years, they all talk about how important it is to look to friends or family members for the emotional support, rather than relying on their AS husbands to provide it. I appreciate that my husband has been making an effort to be a little more social so that we can reconnect with some of my old friends. After we got married, I became increasingly isolated because my husband's anxiety in social situations, made us miss out on a lot of stuff, and it eventually seemed pointless to do anything. With my mom being sick, I don't necessarily receive emotional support from her either. But I recognize how important that is to my wellbeing so, at the risk of sounding kind of lame, I'm trying to find me some new friends.

Also, I'm trying out this new exercise where I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of my husband, rather than dwelling on the negative. It sounds kind of elementary and it should go without saying but, I'm taking the time to write down the positive things that my husband has done daily so I can sort of meditate on the good things, rather than the bad, and appreciate those things.

Again, I'm not sure there will ever be a good time to suggest these things to your wife. You may have to be more subtle but, from what I can see, from my experience, and based on what I've read, short of providing her with more emotional support and/or just holding your tongue when you're feeling how your feeling, I'm not sure how you can work on the resent thing other than to make sure she finds other avenues of support so she is generally happier, even if she's going through something stressful.

I'm really lucky because my husband and I communicate a lot. Even if we end up having a heated argument (with mostly me being upset and him being confused), we end up having a calmer version of that conversation sometime later. You mentioned you can't talk to her, I really do hope that changes. Without the calmer versions of our "fights," I'm not sure we'd ever make this work.

Anyway, hopefully this stuff was helpful. Maybe it doesn't apply to you at all. Regardless, hopefully someone out there finds some use for what I've shared. Otherwise, thank you for reading it. Putting it out there has also helped me get some stuff off my chest.

I totally understand loco's point of view.

When she feels stress her husband gets stressed by this. Consequently he gets a bit down. When he's down he's more needy of her just at the time that she needs him. This causes her additional stress. Endless downward emotional cycle.

If he'd try to pull himself out of it and provide her with some emotional (and maybe logistical) support, then she'd feel less stressed and more able to support him when he's down because of some other external factor.

I can tell you what the pattern has been in my relationship. Much like loco's. When I've been stressed because of a job situation or my pregnancy or during my illness, I guess my husband gets overwhelmed. He pulls away. When I explicitly ask for help or am visibly distressed he makes mean comments - comments that hurt my feelings. Comments that sometimes aren't just insensitive, but really abusive. The most generous interpretation of this is that he's so overwhelmed he says whatever he can to get some space from the cause of overwhelming (in this case, me). The less generous interpretation is that he's a heartless bastard. Obviously, this behaviour makes me feel like I don't matter to him or that my pain doesn't matter or he can't be bothered to support me. This adds to my stress and now adds a whole extra helping of emotional pain.

OP what I read from your post if I'm being generous is that you miss the fun times, but you don't really know how to support your wife. If I'm being less generous, you're a selfish bastard who only values his wife for the fun times and can't be bothered with doing a bit of emotional support to help her though this tough time. Instead you're only focused on how it's affecting YOU.

I know you're upset because you think she thinks you're a jerk. But she only has one thing to go by: your behaviour. And if your recent pattern of behaviour over last couple of months has been more self-centred jerk and less supportive, then you have to understand that the evidence isn't really in your favour. She doesn't just want you to be a nice guy during fun times, but also during hard times. That's marriage.

The fact that you're more concerned about being perceived as jerk than with examining your behaviour to act less like a jerk isn't really in your favour either.

A lot of NT wives feel that what's missing in their NT/AS marriage. The support during tough times. They feel (and I feel) that they've supported their spouses during his tough times, but don't get the same support in return. Instead they get additional stress.

OP, you're giving your wife additional stress by focusing too much on yourself and not enough on her. If you want fun times, you need to provide some emotional support and ask if you can arrange an outing or something to help her forget about her troubles for a while. And while you're doing that - try to not to think or say "What about meeeee?" once.

I promise if you make this emotional investment, it will be returned tenfold. Maybe not that day - because you need to undo some of the bad feelings - but later on and when you need support.

This happened with me and my husband many years ago. I am no longer working, aside from doing research and being in grad school. The job I had was ruining my life and I didn't feel I was able to do anything about it. I don't think I let myself think that changing the job was an option. My aspie husband said many sensible things that only made me madder. I would say I was experiencing Cognitive Dissonance. You can google this if you want to read about it. Leon Festinger discovered it. It explains a lot of ridiculous behavior.

I don't know what to tell you to do. Looking back on the situation as the ridiculous person, I wish I'd been able to accept the sense my husband was gently trying to beat into my head. I don't think he could have done anything different. It was ME that should have done things differently. I'm grateful we're through it, he put up with me and our leisure time is leisurely again.

I know you're doing your best to be helpful, and prevent other aspie men from screwing up their marriages like your husband did yours, but I really do have to say something here. You're letting your prejudice cloud your judgement quite severely, and this response is a prime example. The OP basically just explained that his wife has been very stressed at work for several months, and on at least one occasion recently he tried to calmly explain that her stress is making things difficult for him too. She got angry in response, calling him selfish (which makes him feel misunderstood and resentful), and he now also thinks that he may have chosen the wrong time to bring it up.

That's all (at least as far as what you responded to goes) - the rest of your response was based on your own assumptions. Yet you went so far as to accuse him of acting like a selfish jerk. True he never explicitly said he was trying to be supportive of his wife, but it's a big stretch to assume that means he isn't.

Be honest with yourself and imagine if, back when you frequented the AS Partners site, a newcomer had posted this:

"
Hi all, I've been reading here for a while now but this is my first post. I've been with a man who I strongly suspect is an aspie for 4 years, and lately things have become very challenging indeed.

I love him, and things used to be pretty good between us at times, but his work has been really stressing him out for some time now, and he's coming home really withdrawn and bad tempered. I'm doing my best to be supportive, but it's hard when it doesn't feel like I get anything back. It's like he doesn't see me when he's so wrapped up in his own issues, and everything is about him. This has been going on for many months now, and it's getting worse.

The other day I simply tried to explain how I missed the good times we used to have together, and he blew up at me, ranting that I was being selfish and didn't understand him. Looking back I realise that most of our fights have been similar. It's like he can't handle criticism in any form - it's always the wrong time, or I said it in the wrong way, or I don't understand him etc etc. It's like walking on eggshells, with me not being allowed to say anything negative or ask him to do anything differently for fear of provoking his wrath. I try to remain as calm and tactful as possible, explaining that I'm not trying to blame him for anything, but nothing works and the only way I can keep the peace is by keeping my mouth shut. I'm sure at least some of you know what I'm talking about.

It's not that I don't want to be supportive of him, but I just can't believe that after all I've done and all we've been through he can still misunderstand me so badly and think such awful things about me, like after all this time he still doesn't know me at all.

Any advice would be appreciated!
"

Honestly who would you be likely to brand a selfish jerk in that scenario?

I'm not saying you're wrong (or right) about the OP, only that you're showing far more prejudice and making far more assumptions than you seem to realise. No need to respond unless you feel like it, but at least think about what I've said!

Sebinator, I am generally a bit anxious about giving 'advice' online because I don't see the situation in all its complexity from you and your wife's viewpoint, but a couple of things to think about:

(a) If you are trying not to hurt her, it might help if you leave little notes or cards lying around in your home which says this and which she comes to find randomly. Not too much of it, but just small but consistent reminders that you love her, and that you don't want to hurt her. Since she is so stressed out at work and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder recently, she is processing a LOT of stuff that may, or may not have to do with you, though, of course, you each impact the other's emotional state. I believe in simple, direct communication. Leave notes or stickies saying what you feel like saying to her (the positive things, that is). It becomes a constant influx of positive reinforcement, and it will very likely make her smile, relax, and laugh now and then, all of which is working toward a less tense companionship.

(b) It sounds like you are feeling pretty isolated and not sure how to manage this phase of marital stress (irrespective of AS/NT status, relationships are stressful for everyone in times of change). Would it be possible for you to find a counselor near you to talk to? S/he doesn't have to be a spectrum specialist; perhaps a relationship/marriage specialist who understands the complexities of relationships and might help you feel you have a safe space to vent, as well as teach you strategies to put in use in stressful times (like the walking away strategy you put into use recently)?

These are just suggestions. I hope no one on WP finds them inappropriate. It is not my intention to create trouble. I am really grateful I have found this site.

I don't understand why, but it seems to me that a lot of people are kinder to coworkers and strangers and the lady in the grocery store or post office they see regularly than to loved ones. Sometimes especially under stress, and having an anxiety disorder is extremely stressful. Your wife may have trouble struggling all day at a difficult job and with an anxiety disorder; staying positive when she is home and feels safe may be too hard for her right now. I agree with the suggestion of a counselor, maybe someone who specializes in anxiety and can help your wife as well as help you support her?

I find it really stressful and frustrating to want to help someone I care about and be unable to. I think worrying and wanting to support your wife and finding that it is difficult would make most people feel resentful; and I imagine things could get better if she feels more supported, as mentioned, but in order for you to give her more support, she would need to relax and let you, and be more positive than she may feel. We all have to do that, and although perhaps you could intuit better if you were neurotypical, there's no guarantee that would be the case. And you're not. So I think it's important your wife finds ways to help you understand what she needs and to accept what you offer and show she values it.

Perhaps the timing, and the way you went about expressing yourself, made her feel like you were implying you expected her to do something about the situation, when she feels powerless to do so.

I think perhaps sitting down with her and exploring solutions to her situation might work out better for the both of you?

Her current job situation is clearly something that is not sustainable, so how long is it anticipated she will be in it? Can you two manage financially if she were to leave her job temporarily, or quit to find a new one?

Hmm..... In her terms, I guess she feels she's getting pressure from both ends, and she's likely to feel that's especially unfair and impossible now that it's official she has an anxiety disorder. That seems to be her experience of the situation. I guess your experience is that through no fault of your own your partner seems to have begun to neglect you.

I'd say that you're both right. She shouldn't have to deal with so much pressure, and you shouldn't have to tolerate a level of neglect you never signed up to. I guess what really smarts for you is that her feelings are being validated while yours aren't, and the result of the discussion you've had is that although you've backed off from pursuing your agenda, you're still left with this label of "selfish" that she presumably hasn't retracted, superficially you've been left to feel that you're seen as the villain of the piece. I suspect that although you backed down and tried hard to reassure her, she still feels the strain of your initial "complaint," because she likely knows that if somebody asks for something and she reacts badly and they back down, their wish hasn't gone away, it's just been overpowered. There doesn't seem to be room at the moment for both of you to get what you feel you need.

Difficult. It doesn't look like she's capable of playing fair with you right now, or communicating better, presumably because the strain of the job is grinding her down too much. If her plight is genuine (which I guess it must be), there's little point in pursuing a fix with her in any direct way. So there seems no choice for you but to accept that things are going to be hard on you for a while. It'll help if you try to focus your resentment on her employer (who in my view is pushing her too hard and should be ashamed of himself) rather than on her. Beyond that, I think all you can do is to try to approach the problem indirectly, by trying to strengthen her as much as you can, e.g. like somebody said, try to see listening to her problems as quality time. I think it's likely to take a lot of patience. You'll probably need to vent your frustrations, but not to her, to us or to a good counsellor or friend. As for the feelings of neglect, I guess you'll just need to get used to some neglect for a while, in the same way as you would if she had a physical illness and couldn't be around for you because of a hospital stay or whatever.

Long term, I guess the solution lies in resolving her job problem, either by getting better adjustments for her anxiety (perhaps via the diagnosis which ought to give her some rights), or if that doesn't work, perhaps by quitting the job or getting transferred to something less harmful. But be very careful what you suggest to her, you don't want to frighten her any further. Probably best to confine yourself to simply listening and proving that you've heard her and understand her feelings. Any suggested solutions shouldn't be of the kind that could upset her.

Hope this helps, and very sorry to hear of your trouble.