I'm trying to understand people who kill themselves, and...

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The way the world is right now, I don't get why most people are still choosing to go on living.

But then again, I don't really know why I'm still choosing to go on living, either.

I had suicidal thoughts from a very early age. I never really acted on them, but I thought them through thoroughly.
There are resaons why I am not doing it: My pets... I have responsibilities towards them, and the fact that an insanely percentage of people who try to commit suicide survive and... honestly... you don't want to survive that.

But why I know one can never say never...

One night in my student-room, I don't even remember what triggered it, maybe some noise I couldn't stop...
I found myself sitting on my bed, big kitchen knife right in front of me, having a debate with an inner voice wether to end it or not. Took hours. Somehow I managed to win the argument vs the inner voice. I went to sleep. I was exhausted. I didn't tell anyone for quite some time.

I am still scared that one night this voice will come back and that it might win this time... Who knows...
It was scary.
So I don't judge anyone who committed suicide, because maybe they simply lost to a voice in their head. Who knows?

It's not always about depression. Anxiety, fear, helplessness, victimhood, trauma, physical illness, mental illness like psychosis or disassociation, injury, permanent disability, chronic fatigue, burnout, sensory overload, grief, pain, poverty, homelessness, panic, impulsivity, shame and guilt can do it too. None of them are necessarily related to depression.

Sometimes we just can't tolerate any more to our bodies or our minds. Sometimes being alive hurts more than the alternative, even if it looks like we've got it all going on on the outside.

I choose to keep on living because I know that the twisted minds that have guided the world to this point want most of us to die. I have no respect for them so I spit in the face of their desires by continuing to stay alive and vocal. I'm not happy in life, but that unhappiness isn't my creation but rather theirs. If they want me dead then they will have to do it themselves, I'm not doing them any favors.