Feel as though suicide is inevitable

Post Reply New Topic

I hate myself for creating this thread. I apologize for the rant but, I have noone else to talk to so bear with me

I'm completely and utterly sick of life. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and when I think about it, nothing I will ever do will be good enough. I can't help but feel mediocre and I absolutely hate mediocrity. There is nothing for me here. I'm sick of drifting through life feeling as though I have no control. I'm sick of making attempts to live out my dreams and failing miserably. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of being miserable all the time. I'm sick of trying medications that are supposed to make me feel better that do nothing but make me feel worse.

I can't stand the thought of killing myself because of my family, yet, I can't stand the thought of living like this anymore. I don't know how long I can tolerate this before I just say to hell with it. I am currently going on 4 years of living through this depressive hell and there is no end in sight.

My psych asked me if I thought I should be hospitalized and I responded incredulously by asking him if they had some miracle drug that I hadn't tried or read about that might make me feel better - to which, he had no response. I'm not about to live the rest of my life in a ward....

I have no options, I can't stand being me anymore, I'm so far beyond being sick and tired.

I have BPD and I say almost the exact same thing everyday. People get sick of me and I get tired of hearing that I have too much to appreciate in life. People don't get it. It's not tht I don't care about anything. It's just a numb feeling of eternal disappointment. I love my aspie bf and even he gets depressed. He says he's jus waiting for his death in the end of it all. I hate mental hospitals so I know how you feel about that. I hold on and you know thngs haven't got better like evetyone says they will. I just find solace in others like me. Like you :/

You didn't get the memo? You're already dead and this is Hell. There's a ladder at the edge of the property that will get you into Heaven, in case no one told you. Oddly no one uses it, everyone say it's too hard to climb and there's no point doing so.

I try the ladder myself but keep falling off. Regardless, I continuously attempt the climb to the top, it keeps me occupied. On clear daze it can be beautiful looking down over Hell and the view gets better the further up I get. Funny how small and insignificant the people and problems look from up high. Wish me luck, I've begun another push and I think this one will get me even closer! The struggle is more than something to do, it's quite a workout, I makes me feel so 'exorcised'.

I have Depression and am medicated. I don't care as much about disappointing myself or others. I am not a great mother, daughter, wife, employee, friend and I have learned to stop caring about it. That makes me feel better. I can only be me. The guilt will kill you. I have thought about suicide but would never really do it. It is just a thought of a way out. All you can do is what makes you the most happy (or the least unhappiest). I don't think medication can do very much. My brain chemistry is off and my life is hard. I know I feel better when the sun is out, I eat better, and get enough sleep. I have tried so many medications to kick this Depression but nothing works well. Though I would be worse without it. I was terrible when I went through the loss of my cat 1 1/2 years ago. But I am closer to where I was before he started to get sick.

i feel ya man. i wish i could say something to ease the feeling of eternal disappointment, as ThilieChristine put it, if that's a way to describe what you're feeling. sure is for me. my AS and BPD is more or less a living hell... going on about four years actually. try and enjoy the simple pleasures- reflect on that ray of sunshine through the window, finding a twenty in your pocket, or your favorite bottle of beer. distract yourself. play that guitar i see in your picture. live in the moment. i hope that you do feel better, soon; and feel free to pm me if you like, id like to talk to someone!

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy. 


New pills are being made all the time, there are other kinds of treatment. Death is never the right choice.

OP, I am sorry to hear of your plight. I haven't felt the way you do consistently but a lot of the time these days I can identify with it. This forum is one of the few outlets you have where people won't label you as "sick" or "disturbed" and you can find support. But the world at large will, and there are people in your life who if they were to read your post will think you should be hospitalized and need serious "help" when it is so complicated. (My mother is very fond of the word "help" and I get so mad when she uses it!)

People who don't have to live with psychological problems or instability, like my mom, are very easy to make these sorts of judgments. But when you do have problems, it can be like having a debilitating physical illness, if not worse. I always ask people, if you suddenly became quadripalegic, deaf and blind, would you want to go on living? They make faces and scoff at it, but... it can really be that bad.

...Exactly. You know what I mean.

The best think you can do is take it day by day and try and get pleasure out of the little things in life. Maybe things will change and maybe they won't. But try not to drive yourself crazy in the meantime, because if you do something brash that puts you in a psychiatric hospital things will get much worse.

I was intrigued by the subject line of your thread because I see my life as almost certainly ending in suicide. I have no tolerance of physical discomfort or lack of bodily freedom, and these things come into play when you get old and I can't imagine myself wanting to live once I reach a certain age. I have told some people of this and they think it's f*ed up, but I don't see anything "normal" or "healthy" about wanting to spend the last five or ten years of your life on oxygen and in a wheelchair as opposed to quitting while you're ahead. Maybe it's because I'm agnostic and see being a live as a means to an end of having fun and enjoying being alive, instead of a sacred gift the way religious people do.

*************************************************************************************

Check out my IMDB page!

The best advice I ever got was to find things I love doing, and to do them.
It wasn't quite that simplified but I can't think how to word it.
It had more to do than just the words, the feeling that this person understood, had actually been there. Which is really different than my sister telling me I should try antidepressants, and she knows because she's "been there".
At one point I made a pact with myself that I would not think about suicide, that I would trust myself to know if it got to the point where it is the only viable option, but meanwhile I would be living.
I don't buy into death being some great tragedy, the great tragedy of life is people cruelness to each other and indeed our cruelness to ourselves.
I tend to deal with things by trying to understand them- research is my best defense. If it helps you, Night Falls Fast, is a great book for understanding suicide.
Last of, all I can say is I'm not worried about you. Worry is a poor subsitute for caring.
I care.
Have you ever thought it strange that the word care is so similar to carry?

I definately feel the void in life. I lack any real understanding in why we get up everyday to live a life that will just end in death. We can't take the things we buy with us when we die so why do we go through so much trouble to attain materialistic things? More money doesn't make you happier alone in itself. The simple things you love to do are what make a life enjoyable and it seems that we do everything we can to avoid having fun. I'm at a loss of relationships and children. There is no logical point to humanity so why do we ensist on judging people who do not want to engage in this lifestyle? Why do we willingly force ourselves to spend so much time away from what we love doing something we absolutely hate?

I don't understand these things my friends and family say I should want or need. I also hate the excuse "because we have to". What do we have to do? Why do we have to live each day? Why are we not allowed to take our own life if we choose to? Life to me is just a pain in the butt.

Henbane is right about focusing on the little things in life that may make your life a bit better; For a small amount of time. Sometimes it can even backfire. I have a case of severe depression, and the medicine dose not work. But of course, people these days don't listen. They think they've unwrapped the secrets of the human body. There is much we cannot comprehend. It's just something we CANT. There are things in in life that we love, and look forward to grabbing at. But sometimes, we can't. And that even worsens the depression.

When you feel so depressed, you feel as if everything is just unexplainable. Hopeless. Like it's all just fake. Thoughts flow through your head like a river. It just never stops, and even the simplest thing can trigger that kind of feeling. An object, something the teacher or a fellow student says in class. A movie, a game. Another person, looks, name. All of that. Depression cannot be understood until you ARE depressed. No one cannot judge what they cannot feel.

Back to the little thing's in life. Sometimes there are things where people need BIGGER. Say for instance, love. But here's the catch. This is where the thoughts rush in. Thoughts of the partner cheating, Lying, breaking up and so fourth. Because it is hard NOT to think like this when you are so depressed, it feels as if the world around you is faded to zero.

Music is a need in depression, because it's a source to someone who understands, writing such lyrics. The thing is, it's so true it's sad. You know people out there suffer the same. It's hard to make friends that are so full of life when your just not motivated, enthusiastic, happy or anything.

Suicide, i have tried it before. The moment i put a knife to my upper stomach, and tried pushing... It felt good. As if something was telling me to do it. But i just couldn't. Because i'm afraid of the pain, and what i won't ever see again. And you don't know whats truly after death, that is the scary part. NO LIVING MORTAL CAN JUDGE WHAT IS AFTER DEATH. The truth must be seen for themselves, because death is not an option in people's mind.

But there's suicide. It makes you think otherwise. Like it would take all your pain away. But no one knows if it will. Because, like i said. No one knows what's after death unless you truly are dead. You may live in a dream forever, or see god, or see nothing. Heck, for all we know we could be born again, as different people, completely erasing the memory of your past life.

Think how we kill bugs almost everyday. They are alive. But they die everyday, and there are BILLIONS of them everywhere. It makes the mind think when a living is killed by another living.

And the future. I myself am not ready for the future. Sometimes i don't want to see what's in it to come. Yet, i think of the one i love, if we would be together. But then i think otherwise... The future is a FEAR. And to the people who are depressed, it's a MAJOR fear, even enough to kill them. And some just don't want to live to see tomorrow because of all the pain and fear.

But suicide is like a sacrifice. Your taking your life not knowing if all the pain would go away, stay or get worse. But also you fear the future., not knowing if all the pain would go away, stay or get worse. Putting you in a situation where your just STUCK.

When wrong thing's are said to the people who are depressed, it just worsens it a thousandfold. Like if you have lost a girlfriend or a wife, that you claim that person is your true love, and your soul mate. And a friend or therapist or SOMEONE, tells you to move on. You'll find someone else. You think. So hard. All the things you've done with your partner, they might do with someone else. Like activities, living in the same house, kissing, reading together, walking through the park, holding hands, looking each other in the eye. And even the sexual things. And sometimes your brain just pops up images. And you just lose every bit of happy and hope in you. You get jealous, and just think many other things. And you just want to die.

But you should chase what makes you happy. It may be limited. But do not think based on just love, or sex or such things. Because if your loved one does return to you, without doing any of those things, and have you had sex with another person, you'll have to confess, and live with the grief. That might as well make you kill yourself on the spot, or at least try. If you don't confess, you'll grow paranoid, and think she did the same. And that she's lying too.

But my friend, do not look towards suicide. There are people here, just like you. I am one of them. A good advice is to meet these people, and become friends. Build strength back up with people you can talk to, and have fun with, without fearing a risk or chances.

I'm here as well, so are these other people. We all share an equal pain.

So don't just jump to suicide. Think of the options, think outside the box. There is a conclusion when there's absolutely NOTHING left. There are still matches to light. And life does make new options.

*P.s If you can an xbox 360 console, i get on almost everyday. My gamertag is Flufffyy.