Should I come out as female to my friend?

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aspie_nerd_42
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23 Feb 2014, 1:14 am

I'm a MtF individual, deeply in the closet, (only two other people know about it, the bishop of my church (this was at a point when i still thought i was a good Mormon, and thought he could help me, he didn't, so i lied to him and told him it was a phase) and my school counselor, who supports me 100%) and i have a friend i want to come out to, but i don't know if i should. what I've gleaned from our political conversations, she would probably support me, and wouldn't out me, but i don't know if i want to put the burden of remembering when to refer to me as male in public, and when to refer to me as female in private, on her. What should i do?



redrobin62
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23 Feb 2014, 2:01 am

I'm confused. If you were to stand in front of me right now, would I be looking at a man or a woman?



aspie_nerd_42
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23 Feb 2014, 2:48 am

You'd be looking at a man, but i feel like i should be a woman. i just want to have a friend who will refer to me as a girl, but i don't know if i want to put that burden on somebody else. i guess what I'm asking is, from your experience, did telling friends about your identity inconvenience them, because i can't stand myself when i inconvenience another person, whether on purpose, or accident.



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23 Feb 2014, 7:11 am

I don't know whether this is useful or not, but I had a friend come out to me as male before he was 'fully out', and I definitely didn't feel inconvenienced or burdened in the slightest. I was just pleased that he was getting to start being properly himself. I guess maybe I worried a bit at first that I would make a mistake with pronouns, particularly in front of people who didn't know, but that didn't happen that I can remember (and I think I would), and it just pretty much became something that didn't need thinking about.


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24 Feb 2014, 11:16 am

aspie_nerd_42 wrote:
I'm a MtF individual, deeply in the closet, (only two other people know about it, the bishop of my church (this was at a point when i still thought i was a good Mormon, and thought he could help me, he didn't, so i lied to him and told him it was a phase) and my school counselor, who supports me 100%) and i have a friend i want to come out to, but i don't know if i should. what I've gleaned from our political conversations, she would probably support me, and wouldn't out me, but i don't know if i want to put the burden of remembering when to refer to me as male in public, and when to refer to me as female in private, on her. What should i do?


As a fellow aspie trans Mormon, I welcome you.

For the friend, I would ask if this friend has dealt with anyone or anything in the LGBT community or related communities in a friendly manner. If not it may take more work to explain things to them about how you feel without a common ground you can meet on.

And also if they have a track record of keeping secrets or at least not letting things out before you do. I made that mistake with coming out to a friend I knew through church and then it spread like wildfire.

I did come out to my Bishop at the time that I was trans and was dealing with it. I was told and shown what was in the church handbook about excommunication and councils. I was counseled by him to pray about it and read the scriptures. He did admit that he was out of his depth and experience with helping others on this topic and didn't get any revelation at that moment other than read the scriptures and pray.

As for the being referred to as female, I find it hard to require others to do so when I'm not presenting. I'm not out everywhere yet and I still present male 99% of the time. Although I do come off as "effeminate/gay". I have a few friends who almost exclusively refer to me as female and my girl name, and a few that are mixed, and a few that don't. I just see it as, refer to me as you see me now. And at first it bothered me not being referred to as female by those I was out to, but then I made it a non-issue at this moment. If I'm not trying to pass at that moment, why would I expected to be treated as if I was.


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GivePeaceAChance
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28 Feb 2014, 7:39 pm

aspie_nerd_42 wrote:
I'm a MtF individual, deeply in the closet, (only two other people know about it, the bishop of my church (this was at a point when i still thought i was a good Mormon, and thought he could help me, he didn't, so i lied to him and told him it was a phase) and my school counselor, who supports me 100%) and i have a friend i want to come out to, but i don't know if i should. what I've gleaned from our political conversations, she would probably support me, and wouldn't out me, but i don't know if i want to put the burden of remembering when to refer to me as male in public, and when to refer to me as female in private, on her. What should i do?


I have a friend in the middle of transition the other way, as long as it is clear when you want which references made AND the friend would be supportive I say go for it. I am glad to support my friend.


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MermaidGirl83
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01 Mar 2014, 1:59 pm

Hello aspie_nerd_42,

You do what you need to do. If you feel you are female then go ahead and come out and transition. I'm new to this forum but I am also transgender. I am a male to female non-operative trans-woman. I am in the middle of transition. I have been full time as a woman for 16 months and on hormones for 16 months. I haven't changed my name yet, still got debt I'm paying off. My friends and siblings have accepted me as female. My parents are having a hard time with it. It took me nearly 28 years to realize I was trans. I also had a few coworkers on my side too when I came out at a past job. I knew I had to transition. If people didn't understand or accept it or call me by my preferred name then that's their problem. Transitioning to who you really are is not selfish. Like I said, you do what you gotta do to be happy. I may not be happy with my current place in life but I am happy with who I really am. That's what's important!



aspie_nerd_42
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02 Mar 2014, 11:04 pm

I'm so relieved. I came out to her this past week and she's fine with it. Our conversations haven't changed, she hasn't given me any strange looks or anything. I really like how supportive this forum is. i think I'll be dropping by here more often.



stardraigh
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03 Mar 2014, 8:14 am

aspie_nerd_42 wrote:
I'm so relieved. I came out to her this past week and she's fine with it. Our conversations haven't changed, she hasn't given me any strange looks or anything. I really like how supportive this forum is. i think I'll be dropping by here more often.


Congratulations on that success. And welcome to WP.


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MermaidGirl83
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03 Mar 2014, 5:37 pm

Congratulations on coming out! It sounds like it went smoothly. If you ever have questions or need some advice I'm there for you.