My girlfriend feels like our relationship is a job

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I have been dating a NT girl who is about the same age as me. I am almost certain that I have Aspergers but have not been diagnosed formally. I am 23 years old and have been dating this girl for about two years. We have been getting into the same arguments over and over lately. We typically argue about how I don't initiate conversations about issues in our relationship and that I don't plan for us to do things together often enough. Although I do not initiate conversations about issue and plan as much as she does, I am always there for her when she needs me and can a very giving person. She typically tells me that she is exhausted from our relationship and "feels like she is doing all of the work." I know that am not the best at doing these things and I acknowledge it. I

I feel like there is a distinctly different idea of what the "work" of our relationship is. I feel that the "work" (although I hate that term) is being there for the other person, making sacrifices, and loving unconditionally everything about the person. The work to her is more like the bringing up of issues (it feels like it's usually about me), the planning of time spent together, and phone conversations. She is particularly emotional and reactive to stress. I feel like we spend so much time discussing issues that we don't have time to enjoy just being with each other. I love just spending time with her and sitting by the pool, or watching a movie. I wish that our relationship wasn't so objective based. There are things that we have for that and they're called jobs.

I feel like I am such a maintenance free kind of guy and that she requires so much more attention then I do. She is often upset about things that aren't related to our relationship. It's just the way she responds to things that bother her. I tend not to get bothered by nearly anything and don't see all of the issues that she sees. Of all people, I know that relationships require work. I do not deny this, but exactly how much work is healthy? I know that being with her is worth any amount of working through problems but I don't know if the stress that will put on her is worth it. I'm at a loss, can anyone offer me some advice? You are allowed to come out and tell me what it is I am not doing right if that is what you need to say.

Yep. Sounds like she wants, no, needs attention.

That means a dinner date every once or two weeks, a trip to the movies every one or two months, maybe indulge her in a concert once every two-three months.

Some girls like sports. Maybe take her to an air show or a football or baseball game.

Take her out to the park. Rent a canoe and take her out to the lake.

Go visit a romantic resort for a day or two.

Take her to Vegas if you have the money and time.

Take her to a theme park like Six Flags or Universal Studios Hollywood.

Ask her if she likes miniature golf or bowling.

Sometimes you have to bend over backwards and do things she likes even if you don't like them.

If it helps you, make an actual schedule in the way redrobin62 said. Dinner once a week. Movies twice a month. Random activity once a month. Big event (concert, professional sports game, etc.) Make a list of ideas, and try to live up to that schedule. Let her see that you are making an effort.

What she needs to not ever see is that list or schedule. At least not written down. She sounds like the kind of person who for all her talk of "doing all the work" would be irrationally offended by the concept of a list and a schedule of dates with her. But it might really help you.

Please be a bit careful. I spent about 8 years listening to steadily worsening complaints from an emotionally reactive woman. And listening to billions of suggestions about how I could change my behavior to be a better partner. Meanwhile, the relationship steadily worsened.

Following her arrest for felony assault, it turned out that, among other issues, she was mentally ill. (borderline personality disorder, probably with mild co-morbid autism). She's in therapy now and getting noticeably better.

So, yes, do make changes to be a better partner. But, also keep alert and observe and test whether or not adaptation is a two-way street. Just because you have Asperger's doesn't mean everything in a R/S is your fault. And also, do some reading on BPD, because your GF sounds like she might be problematic. Asperger's really isn't much of a problem...BPD...is. (such an incredible understatement, btw, but the alternative is a 5 page rant in ALL CAPS...) If she wants to be with you - it isn't just you becoming who she wants you to be - she needs to become someone good for you.

And, even if she isn't mentally ill, she sounds difficult. Difficult women aren't worth it, seriously. There are plenty of single women who aren't difficult.

--Argyle

Be honest with her that this is something you are never going to be great at.
Its a skill like singing or car repairs.
Then tell her she is incredibly important to you, and you would like to try a way of making her happy and getting it right.

Ask her to write down all the things she enjoys or would like to do - a huge random list of everything.
Then ask if she would like to be surprised by a choice, and how often.
Explain that this way you hope you can meet her needs.
If she hates the idea, and still expects you to be a mind reader, you will probably continue to have turmoil.

I would not want to be that woman's boyfriend. I don't want to be nagged about things all the time, especially when I could not be expected to predict or understand the cause of nagging.

Most NT men receive the same complaints as well.

It sounds like your doing a really good of being there for here; now take the lead and plan some fun times so you can have fun.

It's not a 'project' I just love my friends.

Sorry for swerving left.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Google says don't be evil so I'll be prepared.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

^what are you talking about and to who? I notice through a bunch of these threads you're just posting random stuff that doesn't really make sense....what is going on with that exactly?

well whatever he's smoking not sure if I want any or not lol.