Had aspie girlfriend taken from me by her parents.

Post Reply New Topic

It sure beats the hell out of trusting people, only to be screwed over by someone who is only looking out of his or her own interests.I’m disappointed that the only girls you find interesting are under-aged.

he's in iowa.

i agree that we should probably hear from someone in a situation similar to megan (and her parents) to help put things into perspective.

Oh. Iowa.

There are jokes about 8-year old Iowa girls running faster than their male relatives...

Pedophilia is a trendy buzz word for it, but that’s not what it is. Pedophilia is a preference for the very young. What you’re describing isn’t what I’d consider to be immoral or extraordinary. Legally, though, it’s not up for discussion.

What you’re talking about is parents aren’t concerned enough for their kids to do something about it. Watch Dr. Phil on any given day. They feel utterly powerless. They’re ignorant of what power they really possess and thus fail to adequately parent all the way to adult. The rest of the parents out there just don’t care. Either they’re ultra-liberal, totally hands-off, and trust their kids 100% to make the best decisions, or they prefer it if their kids are someone else’s problem. Not saying liberal parents only raise bad kids, but the Dr. Phil types aren’t correcting their kids at all.

So...yeah...that leaves teens wide open to living with adults twice their age. Who’s gonna stop them? Isn’t it much easier on the parents to just let them go? “But momma, I love him!”

In the USA, we have a forced dependency on our public educational system. You CAN get married in high school and start a family. It’s just that the system doesn’t adequately help with young couples. That’s why my kids are forbidden from dating. It is not worth compromising their educational goals to social pressure. In a perfect world, I’d gladly marry my daughter off at 14. We just don’t have that luxury in this day and time.

There are other cases in which parents arrange these marriages because of the stigma of a pregnant girl. They’re worried about the implications of rape and force them to get married. Like, not REALLY force them, but either that, or dude goes to prison. But this creates another problem: going to prison for rape isn’t going to provide food and care for a young girl and her baby. Getting them married and keeping their mouths shut solves a lot of problems.

I find it a little TOO forgiving for my taste. I’m more of the “let ‘em rot”
school of thought.

I do not agree with those who say the age difference is a huge problem or makes the relationship be wrong. At 18 you don't tend to have a vastly different life experience than a 16 year old and you're not significantly more able or likely to abuse the 16 year old than if you were 16 yourself.
However, it is possible that the maturity difference between one individual 18 year old and one individual 16 year old is too big, or that one individual 16 year old isn't mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone.

What I'm more concerned about is how conveniently the OP glosses over her behavioral problems and poor judgement. What are those behavioral problems? And how mature is she? How gullible? How impressionable? Is she on the level of an average 16 year old?
I'm asking this because I've met two Aspie girls who were mentally on the level of a 12 year old at best when they were 16 and it'd have been irresponsible of their parents to leave them alone with an 18 year old who is not willing to see this.
Behavioral problems can also manifest more extremely when at home than when in public for some people.
Whether this or something similar may or may not be the case here, I can not tell.

Generally I think isolating someone who already struggles socially is a poor parenting choice, though. You do not learn social skills from being locked up in your home and from being prevented from making any experiences for yourself. If her parents control her too much this will hamper her development and the only thing it'll 'protect' her from is ever living a normal life.
What OP wrote does sound like the parents' strictness may be harmful and ineffective at dealing with her challenges.


Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on whether her parents are harmfully strict or she is too immature or unstable for a relationship) they won't suddenly stop being able to interfere with her love-life once she turns 18. They will stop being able to do that once she is sufficiently independent.
As this may take longer than till she's 18 OP will need to convince the parents if he wants to continue the relationship.

Yes, but you are specifically calling out abuse and “terrorizing a youth.”

I take no issue with “terrorizing” young people if (and only if) that’s what it takes to correct them. I prefer it not be the case. Early on as a parent I learned that fear was the best way to command respect from my children, and they learned I was consistent with consequences, and I could be harsh when it was appropriate. They still fear consequences, but their main motivation for being good kids is a sense of morality, not “dad will beat me.” We’re more hands-off at this stage because we can be. We can change that if it becomes necessary.

We expect better from our kids, though. And I believe the more you expect, and the better you expect, the more they rise to the challenge and occasion.

“Terrorizing” teenagers is what we’re really talking about. I’m not compromising for toddlers or teens. My approach is fairly minimalist and worry-free for parents.

First, we recognize differences between boys and girls. If a boy gets a girl pregnant (worst case scenario), like it or not, the immediate consequences aren’t so bad for him. The girl is the one who actually has to HAVE the baby, and the status quo is often she takes care of the baby and the boy does nothing but cause trouble. He can’t be counted on to do the right thing. A girl’s parents, on the other hand, end up having to actually take care of the baby. My wife and I are in no position nor prepared to care for grandchildren, nor should we be expected to. It’s HER baby. SHE should deal with it. It’s less about terrorizing them, more about keeping them from terrorizing us. And we know that if our daughter ends up pregnant (worst case), we end up being responsible. So she’ll have to understand she’ll have to figure this out on her own or give the baby up for adoption.

The heartbreaking part will be her current educational path will be over. She attends a private school. She’ll get kicked out if she gets pregnant.

So...yeah, it’s a BIG DEAL. Not worth the risk.

Dealing with it is simple: boy touches daughter, boy goes to jail. Girl screams “I hate you, mommy,” runs out to boy’s car after mom forbids her to go, we take down vehicle description, license plate number, boy’s name/address, and report the boy for kidnapping and statutory. Girl tries to sneak out the house? Bars on windows, install alarm system. Girl rolls in after curfew? We take the car keys...PERMANENTLY. The only “terrorizing” we do is mostly any $#¡+-for-brains boy who thinks he’s got balls enough to date her without going through us first, and her if she starts being unreasonable and impetuous.

That’s not abuse. That’s PARENTING. There’s a difference.

The same standard applies to our boys. Boys don’t have babies, so we don’t have that problem. It can BECOME our problem when another parent presses charges. So while we may not hold our son’s feet to the fire as much as our daughter, he should be just as aware of what he’s up against—parents potentially as hard or even worse than us.

So for our boys, the main rule is “don’t get arrested.” Because we’re not bailing you out, we’re not hiring a lawyer, we’re not paying child support, we’re not taking your gf into our home, we’re not paying your rent to live together. You’re finished. And even if you don’t end up arrested but you find yourself looking down the business end of a 12-gauge, WE CANNOT HELP YOU.

Not we don’t WANT to help. We CANNOT help. With any of our children the question is “is he/she worth ruining his/her life along with my own?”

You’re only getting terrorized if you INSIST on poor choices. It’s less what we’re going to do to you, more about what the consequences could be for making mistakes. A good part of parenting for us has centered on making sure those kinds of mistakes never have to happen and our children never have to experience that. Never once have we sheltered our kids from that reality. They are well aware of how sick and sad the world is and want no part of that. When the time is right, they will make relational decisions that will bring positive results.



those are cases of abuse, plain and simple. they had no right to do that and i hardly think they're instances to be relied on, when discussing topics like this, or cases that set any real precedent. they're exceptional.[/quote]
Absolutely. On this we most certainly agree. I don’t think it’s right or fair. It’s just there’s little to be done about it. I’m not sure even if my kids were disabled I’d be quite prepared to lock them up in the highest room of the tallest tower. I might be just as frustrating as what Cubs has to deal with, even if my daughter was 25 and I HAD to take care of her. But if he’s the right guy, we know his family, and we knew they’d be just as supportive, we’d move heaven and earth to KEEP them together. I think a rent’s job is partly to keep another boy in a constant state of terror to see just what our family means to him. He’s not just gonna get our daughter. He’s gonna get us as parents, and he’s gonna get her brothers. If he’s got the testicular fortitude for that, then welcome to the family, son!

Same with daughter-in-laws. The way I see it, the boys have trouble enough breaking into HER family, so for the right girls, we’ll embrace them like our own daughters. And we’ll love and support all our kids and spouses.

Disabilities might be a game-changer if it’s severe enough a kid can’t make it without us. But if the girl in question were OUR daughter, I might be more inclined to let her date when she’s older. And if that led to marriage, I’d insist on spending a lot of time with my son-in-law to help him understand best how to navigate the difficult times with her. He’d basically be taking on my role, and I wouldn’t want to see him walk out on her when things get too intense. But we’d be talking about my ADULT daughter, not my 16-year-old still in school.

Maybe I just say this because I am 17, but teenagers should be treated with respect.

Developmentally, a 17 year old is not much different than even a 24 year old. Law doesn't determine morality- only what you can get away with.

Also if I had a son, and he was just going to walk away from his own kid, leaving the mother to fend for herself, it would either be take responsibility for your actions, or get kicked out.

I'm very sorry to hear that.
Her mother is probably just trying to protect her, and she's not 18 so she doesn't have much to say really.
I'm sure you're a good guy who really loves and cares about your girlfriend (I hope) and in that case you could try talking to her mother and tell her how you feel and ask why she won't trust you with her daughter. You're 18, an adult, so show to her that you are responsible and that her daughter can be safe with you instead of trying to turn your girlfriend against her mother by getting angry or trying to keep the relationship secret or something.

Good luck to you.

I like reading these kinds of posts. Very perceptive.

Yes, respect teens. I respect children and teens as vulnerable human beings and for their potential. I respect NO ONE who places demands on me, especially for something they haven’t earned. The mere fact you are a human being is not an entitlement to have access to my children for ANY purpose, let alone dating them.

HOWEVER...

If a boy approaches me like an adult, expresses interest in what I do for a living, shares my faith, and offers something in the way of mutual self-interest, he MIGHT get to hang out with my family, which will necessarily include my daughter. If he is patient and doesn’t make any sudden moves, I MIGHT consent to letting them spend a few hours alone. And the next time I see her, she better have a diamond ring AT LEAST as big as the one her mother wears (just 1 ct., not obnoxiously big, and reasonably affordable
for most single men with a steady gig).

I don’t think the process should be drawn out over several years, but it becomes a question of whether they CAN get married (old enough, completed education, independent). If done correctly, 3 months of exclusive dating is PLENTY time to figure out if he or she is THE ONE. If that’s your high school sweetheart, that’s great. But I don’t think it’s fair to stay on someone’s backburner that long. The best thing you could do if you have good intentions towards my daughter is do homework together and then practice archery in the backyard with her and her brothers. Or bring your shorts and Body Glide for an “easy” 10-mile run with me on the highway. Or bring your guitar and let’s jam. Or go to church with us and join the choir. And get a job. You might have to stick it out a few years. But if you make it that far with me and with us, I’m pulling for you, kid.

That’s the kind of kid who WILL earn my respect and my support.

All people should be treated with respect, including teenagers and children. Maybe especially teens and children. That doesn't mean parents let them do anything or get away with anything. But respect is essential.

Some parents feel they have to control everything in their children's lives, even after they are legally adults. Unfortunately I have seen too many parents micromanaging their adult children's lives, literally suffocating and stunting the adult children. Their focus on every detail and what can or is going wrong (which is normal growing up stuff) verges on Munchausen by proxy. The end result is an adult who never grows up and never matures.

Of course, the young lady in question is only 16 and we have no idea what her level of maturity or capacity is.

Level of maturity aside, we have to live within the law or suffer the consequences. An 18 year old man with a 16 year old girl considered sexual abuse, or rape, or stalking in many states. The OP needs to take this into consideration.

I understand the heartache of being separated from your loved one, and part of growing up is delayed gratification and accepting that many things in life are unfair.

... once they have actually done something to earn that respect.

I believe every human being, regardless of age, deserves at least basic respect.

Teenagers deserve respect---but I feel they would benefit from respecting people who have more experience, and have good intentions. Many teenagers go through a time where they seem to lack respect, and they do things like curse out their parents. Just like they don't like to be cursed out, they shouldn't curse out others.

I understand that it's hard to determine whether someone has "good intentions."

No problem with "basic respect", but if some teen-aged junkie or drop-out is complaining that he doesn't receive as much respect as a 60-year old man who has served his country, worked 40 years for the same company, raised a family, and been faithful to one woman for all that time, then that kid is delusional at the very least.

"Basic Respect" to me means acknowledging their rights and giving them an opportunity to prove themselves. It does NOT mean that I have to put up with their bullsnot or listen to them whine about how life isn't fair.

Ideally, the person who is wailing about how "life isn't fair" would listen to one who has experienced the "unfair," and has survived it.

"Ideally" being the operative word. We all know people who spend years complaining about their personal situations, only to reject every form of advice given to them by more experienced people.