Fear of Rejection

Post Reply New Topic

I think abandonment always carries with it a sense of rejection, so it's inevitable abandonment can impact a person similar to other forms of rejection.

I was always scared of telling the girls and women I fancied how I felt about them. I think a lot of it was that I was too scared of rejection. Back in the day it was expected that the boy did all the running, so it's amazing I ended up with any partners at all. Some made it easier than others for me.

I always felt it was a bit much to expect me to stick my neck out, but eventually I got the idea that it might be an evolutionary thing and that women prefer men to prove that they're confident so the woman knows the man can protect her. Well I thought it was a bit outmoded and stupid, but eventually I realised it wasn't really that risky, and probably better than keeping quiet about it. I mean once you're spending a lot of time together and you've discovered you're really compatible and you trust each other, she's not likely to rub your face in it if you just say how you feel. If you've picked up that she's a cruel bastard then you're not going to want her as a partner in the first place, are you? And if the answer is no then it stings but it's not the end of the world.

I was also picking up on signals and that helped me to figure out which ones were interested enough in me. As long as I had enough evidence coming in that I was special to her, that helped my confidence a lot, though the evidence always had to be pretty damn good and I often assumed I wasn't wanted when I quite likely was. But looking back, the ones I chased the most turned out to be the worst of the lot when I finally won them. So the answer was probably that I shouldn't have tried to change my methods too much in the first place. Though it's hard to say because I haven't had that many partners - about twelve I think - so small numbers of observations aren't that reliable.

Anyway it's probably a bit different these days with all this feminism and the modern liking for strong women and for men who admit they're not made of iron. I'm happier with that really, because I'm not made of iron myself and I like women who have a bit of oomph instead of being all frilly and weak and think it's just a matter of looking sexy. Mind you, in Yorkshire where I come from the women weren't usually that dainty.

I suppose for me:
Rejection is when you get pushed away, and
Abandonment is when somebody runs away from you.

There's a lot of overlap.

What I'm really calling out is the kind of aesthetic absolutism we see everywhere today. Beauty isn’t just something to enjoy anymore, it’s turned into a standard for worth, visibility, even whether something (or someone) gets to exist.

So the rejection, -or that weird feeling it stirs up- is just a symptom of a bigger issue underneath it all.

You're good just the way you guys are, and sometimes rejection isn't really about you. Sometimes it's more about whatever the other person is going through in their own life.

The whole entire process of finding love is VERY RISKY because it involves the possibility of getting hurt!! !

I feel that maybe this is another factor in why people stopped getting married and having children?

I imagine if I rejected David on the day I met him he would be absolutely heartbroken...

^That's true. When I was single & wanted a relationship I was at a point where I was extremely unhappy with life so I was usually able to work through that fear when I thought there was an appropriate opportunity because I felt I had little to lose. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" as the expression goes. It was rare when I felt I actually had that opportunity offline though.

For me rejection is when somebody turns me down sometimes before they ever gave me half a chance or knew anything about me. Abandonment is when somebody who's been part of my life for a bit suddenly leaves or becomes unavailable. Both can majorly hurt me depending on the circumstances but rejection is easier for me to handle because I can write it off as them having their own things going on & I can quickly get back to what I had been doing. Very luckily I haven't really experienced major abandonment though.