Flirting with a girl who thinks you are "cute"

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OK, I am in a situation right now where I like this girl at school. Hopefully other people who have my same condition can offer some advise?

There is this girl in my PE class who I think is really hot, but I have only made small talk with her a couple of times. The other day in PE, our class was playing baseball which is my favorite sport and I am pretty good at it. When class was over, and our teacher said to go in, I went to go pick up. The girl saw this and she said "Yeah, go Mike!" and her friend laughed and said "aw, he's so cute" and I didn't want to interrupt so I just went and got the base. The next day I started some conversation and we talked about playing sports and even getting jobs and cars. She's really nice and the conversation went great, no awkward silences or anything and we were both smiling.

I am pretty sure she thinks I am kind of innocent and sweet, which is what a lot of people say. I'm very tall and skinny, and people say I am good looking, I am very clean and take good care of my appearance (sorry if I sound like I am bragging) But people always mistake me for a freshman, my voice is kind of nasal and I am very mellow and nice to everyone, so I guess that is how she sees me which I think is a good thing. I'm 16 and never had a girlfriend, but the past couple of years I have gotten much better with social skills and have made a lot of friends.

What would be some good things to talk about with her? Should I talk to her on Facebook or try to get her number for texting or something like that? I know I sound really inexperienced, I kind of am lol

TIA

I don't want to make any absolute judgments here, given I only have a little information.

But given what was said and how, she isn't necessarily implying she finds you to be boyfriend material. Rather that she finds your behavior to be naive and childlike, which is cute. If I'm interpreting girlspeak correctly here.

. . . ouuch.

Yeah, that's a possible interpretation. But it might not be correct. It's tough to tell online.

However, based on what you've said, seeming naive or cute or whatever will only take you so far. In terms of stereotypical qualities that women are romantically attracted to, it's not high on the list. In my experience, what women like, and what she will probably like, is a mix. Whatever demeanor you've represented so far is nice, but you could gain benefit from being a little more masculine and direct at this point, instead. I think this is particularly true because if you've given enough of a favorable impression and seem like a good person, then that serves as a basis of comfort/trust that will allow you to be direct with her. If she didn't already have the impression that you were a trustworthy guy, then she might tend to be a bit more defensive. So this could make it easier.

The problem is that if you continue to get along with her without being direct, and flirtatious, you'll fall into the dreaded 'friend zone,' and become a "Nice Guy." You don't want that.

So whatever you do, try to start getting flirtatious, immediately. Don't hesitate. Do Not Be Shy. Don't be afraid to touch her, and get tactile - avoiding or neglecting casual physical contact is one of the biggest mistakes guys make, and a huge contributor to becoming 'just friends.' Try to find some kind of fun non-school event going on in a nearby city, and ask her to come with you. Try to encourage yourself to always feel comfortable in her presence - don't get nervous or tense up! Talk to her like you'd talk to anyone else, including your guy friends. If you're lookin for stuff to do, try to avoid 'official' settings and 'official' dates(aka dinner & movie!) - Anything that's traditional or official, skip it. Favor things that are fun, and comfortable, where you feel like you can act normal and relaxed.

Also, don't let rejections get to you. Ask her to join you at whatever with a smile on your face, and if/when she opts out, don't let that smile leave your face, and resist the impulse to shrink away. Keep talking to her with a positive attitude, as if nothing bad happened. This is very important for many reasons, but explaining them would deserve it's own post.

So there's some general themes. Kinda lacking in specifics though...

How old are you? Do you have access to a car? Do you have money/income? Do you live with your parents? The answer to those questions will tend to determine the 'dimension of the envelope' in regards to what actions and behaviors will be good, and what will be less-good.

Sounds like something could happen, I say keep talking to her and see if she keeps talking to you in a flirty way.

At your age this is hard to tell what she is thinking. Since she does talk to you and does so willingly is a good sign. If she is one of the beautiful, popular girls you will want to continue talking to her on a regular basis. What this will do is increase your social status in the eyes of others because someone like her is willing to talk to you. While you may not be able to get this girl to become your girlfriend or go on a date with you this situation may open some doors for you. Another girl, like her friend, may see you as someone worthy of dating because you are friends with a pretty, popular girl. It sounds like you are on the right track but you need to keep an open mind and not focus exclusively on getting this one particular girl. She may be a "gateway" that opens up other opportunities for you.

Thanks for the advice so far. Sorry if I wasn't specific enough, I'm 16 years old and can drive my mom's car and I don't have much money, but I could borrow some if need be.

I really think it's too early for me to ask her out, that would catch her way off guard. I think I should flirt with her first. I know what you guys mean about how naive guys might not be boyfriend material but it is at least friend material, what could be some specific things I could talk about to let her know I'm interested? I need some specifics.

Thanks!

^ True, what MetalMan said.

So don't get too hung up over her until you've actually got something started.

Last edited by Sound on 09 May 2010, 4:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.

She won't see you the way you want. More like a friend.
When she says your cute + her friends are telling this. Then its 100% sure its not about sexual attraction.
Only possiblity is to be friend with here, and maybe after a while she can become your girlfriend. Girls like cute guys for long term relationships.

Talk about activities that you like to do and ask her about her interests also. If she says she likes to do a certain activity also ask her more questions about it. If the both of you have a mutual interest you could ask her to join you sometime. DON'T ask her on a date, just ask her to come along because you were planning to do that activity anyway. DO NOT act dejected if she says no. Be casual about it and go about your day. Again she might not want to be more than friends with you but she may have a friend or two that would be interested. Be very careful about falling into the Aspie trap of focusing only on her. Keep your options open.

^
This post should be brought to the bank, because IT'S MONEY.
Solid gold advice.

First, allow me to reiterate an unfortunate truth: If you focus on being her friend, instead of her boyfriend, then you will probably become her friend. She will then proceed to hang out and gossip with you about her new boyfriend, who is not you. Don't try to be her friend if you want to be more than just friends; not only does that constitute a hidden agenda, but it sabotages you.

So what should you talk about? The things that are on your mind are a good start. It's hard to name specific topics, because your interactions should be mostly unique to the two of you. Nominally, you want to be in a state-of-mind where you don't feel self-conscious about what you say, and are able to say anything you feel like. Guys who are more successful with flirting and women generally talk about whatever is most enjoyable. They talk about things that are fun, funny, evocative... They flirt from within any given subject; they find some way of doing it, even if it's not a flirtatious subject.

If this is still too vague, then it probably means that the process of flirting somewhat mystifies you. I can relate to that: I didn't know much of anything about it till i was 10 years older than you. Really, I only understood that it existed. Not unlike theoretical physics.
If this is the case for you, then we all could go into more details about what sort of things happen with good flirting. Though, for now, >here's a post I made a while back that hits some elements of flirting, particularly involving touch. (Lotsa good stuff in that thread, btw, I suggest reading it all.)

Besides flirting itself, I think you should try to introduce her into your peer group. Do you have a group of friends? Get a plan together with your friends to go out and do something fun, and invite her to come along, bring friends if she wants. It's not a date, but it's a good, comfortable escalation. Heck, maybe it could be something as small as hanging out at a local park, whatever. But it gets the ball rolling for hanging around each other outside of school, without being a date.

To my recollection, this is the means that most of my old high school friends began hooking up with each other. They'd simply hang around each other, until things "just happen." The thing you should take away from that is that getting some kind of progress, some escalation, even if small, is what you want. Often times, things 'keep moving' on their own, once you've imparted some momentum, such as by regularly hanging out together after school.

But even so, always flirt. Don't be platonic. You don't want to be platonic. If you feel like telling her that she looks stunningly beautiful do it right now. If you're a solid guy, and you're attractive, then you've got reason to think "I have no reason to be nervous - I am a catch." If you were to act according to that belief, your behavior would subtly change. You'd feel less nervous to approach her, wouldn't hesitate, wouldn't look away nervously, wouldn't include "kinda/sorta/maybe/possibly" words within your speech, would be in a more positive, relaxed mood, would walk tall, etc. Acting on the assumption that you're the man nearly ensures that you'll be received well(barring overkill), and is quite attractive. So if you can get yourself in that frame of mind, everything will go much better, and you'll have little need to try to plan specifics, such as conversation topics. Instead you'll opt to do or say what feels good to you, which others are probably okay with.
More than okay, actually.

If you're still having a hard time imagining what to try out, how about:
"Hey, I'm going out to get ice cream after school," - *big grin, eye contact* - "How about coming with?"
As a pre-emptive plan b, if you anticipate her feeling unsure/reserved, then ask her when she's with a friend, and have them both come. Going solo without friend support can sometimes be a little scary for young women, until they feel comfortable around the guy.
....And if she declines, or flat out rejects you, do not stop smiling. Maybe try later, or just keep being friends with her and pay attention to someone else. But don't sulk away with butt-hurt feelings. It's not a big deal, and she's still a cool person.

Sound, the thread you just posted about flirting is genius.

I've gone from friendship to dating before, and I'm sure a lot of other people here have, too, so it's clearly an oversimplification to say it doesn't work. What do you think makes friendship --> dating work in some cases, but not others?

"As a pre-emptive plan b, if you anticipate her feeling unsure/reserved, then ask her when she's with a friend, and have them both come. Going solo without friend support can sometimes be a little scary for young women, until they feel comfortable around the guy.....And if she declines, or flat out rejects you, do not stop smiling."
Great advice! As a bonus, if you invite the friend along, it'll seem nice and casual, not creepy and desperate. Would've worked with me, when I was a high school girl.

If you invite her and her friend along she might say no but her friend might say yes. She might have a good reason unrelated to you to say no but her friend may see that you have social value because her friend is friends with you. The friend may see that you are not pressuring the other for a date because she's not interested in you as a date and may decide that you are okay to hang out with. You may not get out of the friend zone with the friend either but she may have some other friends that will see you as someone of social value. Buy doing this you are expanding the list of potential girls who are willing to give you a chance. It's all weird and strange to the Aspie mind and totally counter intuitive but we are dealing with NT female emotions here which is a logic free zone.

LOL, Sound, you need to be a counselor or something, how do you know so much about relationships?

Metal_Man, I know what you mean, about being friends with a popular girl would make me more visible to girls. About my friends, most of them don't have girlfriends, mainly we play COD and talk about sports and stuff like that. I am friends with a few girls, I've made really good friends with this one girl who is very pretty but I don't think we'd ever be in a relationship.

I think that I should just ask her how her weekend was, tell her about mine, just to get a conversation started. Would starting a conversation by asking about her weekend be interpreted as "creepy" or "stalkerish" or whatever? The few times I've talked to her she seems to enjoy talking to me, and I don't want to ruin that, I just don't know how little is too little with talking to girls.

Talking about the weekend is the perfect conversational topic because you can find out what she likes to do. What may happen is that by talking about the things you like to do her and her friend might have another friend who is really in to one of your activities. If one and even better two pretty popular girls introduce you to a third pretty, popular girl who shares a common interest then you have just won the lottery. The third girl will be the one that you have the highest probability of going from friend to boyfriend with. The reason is that she will deem you worthy of being boyfriend material because two girls with high social value deem you worthy enough to be introduced to her.

Chances are the girl in question won't become your girlfriend but that is not your goal right now. Right now you are seeking to gain experience socializing with pretty popular girls and increasing your social value.

You're too kind!
Honestly I wish I could parse down this stuff into more succinct terms. I probably prompt a lot of skimming or skipping with my stupid word count.


You're right that it's an oversimplification, and that it does sometimes work. The problem is that it appears to be the easy, low-risk route, and so bashful guys will strongly opt towards it, and try to sloooooowly maneuver themselves into position when it's typically counterproductive to what they want. 9 times out of 10 this kind of strategy puts them into the friend zone, and they'll lack the understanding & guts to change the relationship dynamics. And it's objectively creepy to boot, due to the hidden agenda. And it's bad practice - Bravery is fostered only by doing brave things.
So although it's an option, due to it's strong pull and high rate of failure, it's best to downplay it. A LOT.

As for what makes some of them work, and others that don't? No clue. With a history of friendship, there's a lot of variables interacting, there...

*nod... 'Social Proof,' as it's sometimes called. Strong stuff, good to garner. Again, good stuff from Metal_Man.


Yes yes yes! This is part of why there's such a sharp polarization between guys who are successful with women, and guys who are not. It's because guys who aren't so good often get all hung up over one person, and forsake the networking opportunities that arise from a lady friend who'd rejected you. This is one part of why you need to keep positive despite rejections - Even if she wasn't interested in you, if she sees that you're basically okay, there's a pretty good chance she'll end up introducing you to her other single friends. I don't personally know any women that don't enjoy playing matchmaker.
The best way to meet women is through women.

....But here's where I disagree.


I guess social dynamics is my so-called aspie interest. I started to really enjoy the topic once it broadly began to make some sense to me, a couple years ago. I started seeing patterns within, and semi-reliable if/then relationship systems, a kind of unambiguous logic stemming from peoples motivations and emotional state. Sorta like a flowchart, to my imagination. The 'day' I started looking at it from this perspective, I started getting really into it. I'm drawn to systems that combine the concrete with the abstract. For instance, I'm also really interested in music theory. Been reading a lot about that, lately.

But for whatever I type in these forums, it's not any original thoughts. I just parrot bits and pieces that I get from elsewhere, mostly, and try to parse it and connect it so that it's relevant and understandable for someone like me 10 years ago.

So long as your conversation doesn't seem 'out of left field,' and basically flows together, that should be fine.

One thing to keep in mind, though, is the difference between good conversation, and boring conversation. Usually boring conversation comes from topics and information that provoke no strong emotional reaction. Like, if you kill time by having her talk about her background and family and all, that won't be very interesting to her. She may be close to her family, but usually it would end up as just a bunch of facts to be rattled off, not unlike a history book.

On the other hand, if you can delve into how you or she feels about certain key topics, that'll help make conversation a bit better. If you can find commonality in those feelings, rather than the facts, then that could help.
I've found this angle to become a tad more hard when I need to talk about myself. I could easily rattle off list off the things I like, and maybe describe a bit about why, but often it ends up being a bit dry. So I've taken to a habit of focusing on why I find some things important or evocative. I focus on conveying the emotional aspect of it as best I can. The fact's about your experiences or hobbies or blah blah blah are just surrounding smaller details. The feelings that are involved in those facts are the things that keep peoples attention.
Especially if you can find some way to find commonality in those feelings.

...Okay, yeah, that topic was a little out-of-nowhere, but hopefully it'll help. I dunno.

When you do talk to her, try to get a bit fiesty if you aren't already. Joke around, be entertaining, stay loose, tease her, be a bit more animated, be bold, and be direct.

From there, you could talk about anything and it'd probably be good times.