Enough of the 'Damn women rejected me' threads please

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When I was younger, NT's made many assumptions about me. They told me that I was clever. The result: I failed my exams. Well, I didn't get the grades that I wanted.



I had no friends as such while at school and I was diagnosed with AS just before I left at 16. I always thought that my family would help me get someone, but they never did. My mother always say that I am not ready for a relationship. Duh! She tells me to get myself out there and meet people. Funny, I thought that I had AS! YOU KNOW THIS, MOTHER. Double duh!!



I always get this, even now. Who do these NT's think they are?! They wouldn't like it if I interfered in their lives or told them what the hell to do!



I am 28 at present and I am damaged by not having a relationship. My personal growth is shot to hell. I hope the NT's that never helped me are satisfied, they should kill themselves and do humankind a favour.

NTs should kill themselves because they haven't helped you find a girlfriend? Noone has to help you do anything.

Unfortunately, it's not likely your "friends" really care about any "damage" one way or the other. When you said "I had my first relationship. What a sick joke..." etc., you missed a very important point: You show absolutely NO gratitude whatsoever in that you even HAD a relationship at all! This is a real problem. Forget about what happiness "could have been." The past is gone. It ain't coming back! Enjoy what relationship DID happen and look forward to the potential for more.

My experience has been that I've had better relationships with much older or much younger women. It's not an uncommon trait of AS to experience better compatibility within larger age gaps. We may not tend to exhibit maturity in a lot of ways until we are much older, anyway. So take advantage of it. Pursue someone much younger and they'll enjoy your company BECAUSE of your age and ability to take charge of a relationship. You might also have better luck with someone much older because they'll be more likely to listen. I've had too many cougar fantasies to count, and unfortunately I've lost the opportunity to actually pursue them. But they are definitely more likely to work out, either much older or much younger. I got lucky in the sense that my mate and I met at the right time and right place and there happens to be little age difference. But we also got together at a time when we were both vulnerable and I was able to "rescue" her in a sense. And we didn't even stay together consistently. I wanted to pursue an old flame, gave up, and moved half a continent away for college. When I came home, there were even still complications we had to overcome to be together, and we eventually DID get married. And by NO means was it easy!

I'm not saying all that to throw my "happy coupling" in your face. When you're alone, it's difficult to have a positive attitude around happy couples. But just so you know what it's been like for me: We're drowning in debt, though for the time being medical bill collectors are being held at bay; we have two children we have to take care of; health problems; job loss; and even homelessness! And that's all just been in the last three years. Never mind the cheating that went on early in the relationship and the long separations. Never mind the fact my wife has faced persecution in our own church, of all places! Never mind the fact we've had social workers knocking on our door because someone wanted to be nasty enough to try to take away our kids over a petty grudge. There has been nothing "fun" or "exciting" about the things we've gone through. But that's what being in a relationship means. Are you really willing to go through all that? Sounds to me like both my wife and I would be LESS damaged if we'd broken up a long time ago. Is this really what you want?

Being grateful for the scraps... Hmm... Scraps are SOMETHING--something you can work with. What you CAN'T work with is nothing. This is a guiding principle in my line of work, and it applies to all areas of life. If someone advises you to be grateful for what you have, take their advice. You do NOT sound like a grateful person at all to me. Having a grateful attitude might very well be the first good step in the right direction for you. When you DO find someone who is suitable and complementary for you, you'll appreciate that person a lot more.

So forget about being "damaged" or blaming false friends for your own shortcomings in relationships. It's up to you to take ownership of those problems and turn it around! Being grateful for what you've had, even if it's your first relationship at 35, is your best start. Forget about young love. It's too late for that. You can get some of that back if you pursue younger women--say, in the 20-25 year range. If breadwinning/financial security is an issue, you might do better with someone older than you independently wealthy enough to not even care if you have money or not! The older you get, the more having children might be problematic if that's a concern. Just don't relegate having a relationship at all to being some "sick joke" just because you didn't get everything you wanted when you wanted it. That's the kind of garbage my 3-year old would whine about.

evidently, you weren't ready for a relationship back then, from what you are saying. are you ready for one even now? considering that you think that the woman who got involved with you was part of a "sick joke", i am not so sure.

nobody damaged you. we all ultimately choose how we react to life, and how life affects us. if i told you some of the violence, crime, and assault i've been a victim of, you may he shocked - not even to mention the rejection and humiliation from men. but i don't wear my experiences like a badge and blame other people. THERAPY HELPS to gain a sense of personal responsibility.

try taking responsibility for yourself, and you may find that people will be much more willing to help you in life, and they will be way more likely support you in the ways you need it. but if you complain, and push a sense of entitlement onto them, and resent them for not assisting you - without even trying to fix your own situation, you can be certain that you have dug your own hole of bitterness with nobody to help you out. or in other words "you have made your bed".

At least you know that, even in the hardest of times, there's someone standing with you. What are people like me supposed to do when my parents die? There will be nobody left to feel anything for me...

well, you will be very lonely. OR you could go and find yourself a girlfriend. it may take years and a lot of hard work, maybe even possibly changing churches or moving to a new town or city. but if you actually want to help yourself, there are many many ways to do it. have you tried any of the ideas people have given you on these forums?

I know people don't have to do anything. I'm referring to the fact that I can't help myself in that area and any NT that knows about AS can atest to that. So, knowing that we are inept in the love dept and not helping us is, in my eyes, a unmoralistic thing. Yes, they can refuse to help, BUT they will be judged for not helping.

I'm not under any delusions that i can do this without changing. For example, I'm working towards a bachelors degree so i can actually have something of substantive value attached to my name. In addition, moving to a new town will probably happen eventually as i have to follow the job market. But asking me to expose myself to further humiliation and rejection is just too much to ask for. What if i tried to join a new church, only to be completely ostracized upon setting foot in their doors? That's very hurtful, you know...

PS: It's not like i can just up and leave from my church either, even if i wanted to... I have so many responsibilities there that i would have to extract myself from first.

ToadOfSteel what hyperlexian is trying to say is that by avoiding something hurtfull like the posibility of being ostracized you are also avoiding a chance to meet new people, perhaps a potential girlfriend is in this church you may be ostracized at but you´ll never know until you go there.


Theres no point on complaining about not getting a girlfriend if you arent willing to take some risks.

Just a small but important point. Humiliation is something we do to ourselves not what others do to us. If we refuse to feel humiliated we cannot be.

Original poster

There have also been alot of these threads, so good luck. You see, it's not about an exchange in respect, it's about his needs... *sarcastic* How dare the rest of us tell them it's going to be ok. It's not like we have experiance like theirs. No..

Girls get rejected too. Girls aren't always single by choice. Sometimes it's just a result of our genetics, where we live and/or our circumstances. I am not trying to start a flame war so I'm going to stop here. :/

Moving to a new town to follow a job and thereby joining a new church would be an emotional risk. However, it is a necessary risk. Getting into a relationship of any sort involves emotional risk. My advice on that one is that when the time comes (following a new job out of town after graduation) that you ask the congregation for a referral. Tell them you are moving to (...) and ask if there is a fellow congregation there. They may even have a name of somebody you could talk to as a sort of "welcoming committee". Churches were networked with each other even before the internet.

I understand not wanting to leave the safe cocoon of your current congregation. But you dated the one girl who was available in your congregation and unsurprsingly she wasn't ready for an adult relationship because...she wasn't an adult. And when she is an adult, she is likely to go off somewhere for college. Leave the nest, baby bird.

But i would be abandoning everyone that ever cared about me. Nobody out in the real world gives two s**ts about me. So of course they're going to try and use and abuse me...

As for my ex, she also went to college locally, but then she found some guy at her college. While I don't have any problem with that, there is unfortunately a lack of women at my college (the only other place where I feel even remotely safe) that pretty much shuts down any chances i have here...

Don't give up Toad.

I agree about humiliation - it starts in our own minds. I've had people come to me some time after a conversation (or I've been the person initiating it) who says they didn't mean to be rude about whatever and very often I have no idea what they're talking about. So while one person forgot about the conversation, the other was upset and fretting.

You can't worry about what ifs because there are just too many of them. It may be that people aren't ostracizing you so much as they don't know what to talk about with you. I think that is often the case with me - there's just no common ground or something. I don't think they're purposely ignoring me. Even if they were, I don't care much anyway. Friendlessness suits me.