How to deal with excessive jealousy and possessiveness?

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How can you protect the idea of conforming to him "or else"?

I admire women like you who are strong and sure of themselves, so my hat off to you! Thanks for your input

Thanks for your input Lene, I will be dumping him - not sure how I'm going to break it to him yet, but will be doing so and will have a back up plan to make sure I follow through. I love what you say of the grown man bit - makes alot of sense to me (holds alot of meaning for me because of past experiences) so thank you.
Regards

What do you mean by this Kenjuudo? I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused...

Thanks for your advice ptown, if it comes to it I will be calling the police, I just hope it never comes to it, but I will be keeping it in mind just in case. Again, thanks for your advice, regards

Thanks for your input Sslaxx , I will be ending the relationship asap, and like I said to ptown, if it comes to it I will involve the police.

Thanks for your input MissConstrue

It's true that I have a role in choosing partners like this repeatedly - although I have had one positive relationship (that failed because it just wasn't working for the both of us). I must have some role hey - but it certainly isn't purposeful, I don't go out of my way to find guys like this, and hey I have been trying to make good relationships and choose good guys - I never find out until after I've been suckered in, must be my impaired badboy radar???
I don't find this piece of advice helpful to my current predicament - but thank you anyhow for thinking of the future... once I'm out of this relationship I might just take your advice on board and like I said earlier - I think I'm going to take a sabbatical from men, maybe once I've finished these courses I'm doing I will be better equiped to choose healthier men straight off the bat, what do you think?

I meant I find it contradictory to be careful not to enable his jealousy while at the same time making sure you don't change your behavior to please him. Don't do either. Just leave him.

I'm not really so strong. I stayed with my son's father far longer than I should. The difference is he was a real sweetheart to be around but a total screw up and a habitual liar. The thing is when it comes to someone trying to control me, I get angry very quickly. The first sign of this and I would be gone.

Thanks Kenjuudo for your answer, I've wondered if he is sociopathic, as I've heard so many things come out of his mouth about other people that we both know that I've cringed at - but he lies easily also - it's like he is different people for what he wants - my friend tells me he is a con artist - I agree with her but I find it hard to disect the truth from the lies at times - especially when he puts so much pressure on me and I just start shutting down mentally and going, "Yeah, yeah" because I can't think any more. He and my friend (female friend) used to be housemates and one day he said to me out of the blue, "You don't know how much I control (insert the name of my friend), I can get her to do whatever I want you know." I was shocked and just said nothing at the time, but later after he started trying to stop me from talking with my friend and calling her all kinds of names (slut, junkie etc... which she is not) and saying all sorts of stuff about her, I reminded him of what he'd said and I asked him, "Why did you say that? how do i know what to think of what you say? You don't want me to be her friend but I don't know how much of what you say is true, you're the one who has behaved badly towards (insert friend's name)" and he couldn't answer me except to start verbally attacking me personally (he's destroyed heaps of her possessions in fits of rage when they were sharing a house).
He lies to the police - one day he called me up crying on the phone because the cops had pulled him over and he had no license - but he managed to somehow convince them that he had left his license at home - they believed him and never checked - I was horrified - and he still drives without his license. Later on he was laughing about how he had managed to trick the cops. I felt so horrible inside because I can't understand how someone can do that and do it so easily and NOT feel bad - how can someone not feel bad for doing something like that or for lying??? It made me wonder how much he tells me is the truth and how much is lies - and how do I know when he says very convincingly?

Sorry for going on and on, just have realised how much this has affected me and I didn't realize how much. I'm not going to keep going on with this s**t, enough.
Thanks for your response, and let me know what you meant by the question in your other post in this thread so I can answer it, as I was confused by your question.

True, makes sense.

Yuck, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this bs, dreaming_water .... What you've described is a classic Cycle of Abuse relationship (I got some handouts from the women's shelter here, at a program for abused women that I was referred to although the person in question didn't physically abuse me so I didn't think I qualified but I did) - but here it is online too: http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/ ... 0Abuse.pdf).


You might also find this link interesting about narcissistic personality disorder: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

Not that I'm diagnosing anyone with it, let alone someone I haven't met & I'm not a doctor anyway) ~~~ but , it seems like he does show some of the traits. I'm all too familiar with the type, I've been married to a couple of them (still am "married" to the last one b/c he's such an a.h. in court, and we have an 8-year-old that he uses to hurt me.....).... Also had a live-in boyfriend that probably was too, and I'm starting to think that the "love of my life" guy that I was obsessed with for 22 years (and also have a child with) may be affected by it too, but with him, it may not be caused by a disorder - I think he just really, really dislikes me. Gee, I've only been repeatedly rejected and disrespected by him for 21 years - ya think?

It could be that I have more of a part in relationships going bad than just picking screwed-up guys, maybe there's something about my behavior in a relationship? NOT that it would be any excuse for abuse, even if I had triggered it (the desire to abuse) in some way - there literally is no acceptable excuse for abuse, and make no mistake - he has been abusing you.

I think I read somewhere on WP that aspies may be likely to get taken advantage of in relationships, anyway. So (and forgive me I don't know if you are aspie, or another diagnosis or N-T, just forging on here) but if you are - or have traits - then, that's not a great combination for a good relationship: a person who is easy to take advantage of (the aspie-type) gets together with someone who likes/ or has a pathological need to control his or her "loved one(s)" (as narcissists are prone to do - actually all abusers are into controlling their abusees).

Narcissists rarely recover, very rarely. In part that's because the nature of the disorder (NPD) is that the person with NPD thinks he/she is better than everyone else, more real than everyone else, and they are so NOT into admitting a weakness, they probably don't see the way they are as a being a fault in any way. My narcissistic (ex but not legally ex) husband used to say, when I told him we/ he needed to go for counseling (first nicely and then as an ultimatum), that he didn't want to "air out our dirty laundry in public" - (to which I would reply, "you'd rather let our dirty laundry get moldy and nasty from being all crammed together wet in the corner...????") (Like all of them, he had me believing I was somehow at fault, and he worked on other people to turn them against me as well... actually, you don't want to know any of this.)

I started to write "....the sufferer of NPD thinks..." in that paragraph above, but no matter how hard I try I can't spit out "sufferer" to describe someone with NPD - I had to write "....the person with NPD thinks....". Because unlike most mental illnesses/ psychiatric conditions, the person who actually has the condition isn't suffering anywhere near as much as he/she is causing suffering to his/her nearest and dearest. As a matter of fact, they have a relatively sweet deal in the relationship.

You know what? Despite everything I'd learned from three previous long-term live-in abusive relationships I still married one - get this, I was 43 years old at our wedding. (and pregnant... although the wedding was already in the works before that happened.)

If 43 isn't old enough to know better - especially when it comes to romantic relationships, which I think tend to skew younger anyway - then I don't know what is. I thought b/c I wasn't really attracted to this husband person, that he was probably not an abuser - whatever!

I actually really dislike abusers.


OK - I just edited slightly, due to perfectionism encountering typos, and I know it isn't perfect but it's only a post on a message board that took an hour to write (though I type 90wpm with my eyes closed, I can't do it with my hands tied behind my back though ).

I'm now, after your last detailed observation, completely certain that he is a sociopath - which translates to being unable to feel a damn thing and fake it instead.

I hate sociopaths because I've lived with one for two years, but at the same time I pity them for being doomed to miss out on life.

Narcissism++
Sociopaths lack empathy and think they are super humans completely unable to error in any way. If a case that proves otherwise presents itself, they are going to blame others or lie. They are unable to understand what feelings really are, but have learned how people react in certain situations and then pretend to feel by reenacting said reactions if it is convenient for them and their cause. In other words; they use people to reach goals or gain status, and when no longer needed, they dump them. Sometimes, they do all in their power to pull others down. Either by going around to people close to you and lying about you (to make you lose as many friends as possible), or by inventing sophisticated ways to blackmail you.

A divided opinion on the matter says a distinction between a sociopath and a psychopath is that a psychopath is more calculating and plans ahead his actions of complete egocentrism.

Here's more: Wikipedia: Psychopathy

Well I don't think it's purposeful for a woman to choose partners that are unhealthy - nobody would purposefully do this. But, if you think of a person's relationships as a system - the common thread in all these relationships is the individual herself. The only way I've seen this pattern corrected is for the woman to enter therapy or obtain help in working on yourself, not focusing on a partner. I think a healthier person attracts a healthier partner. It's hard to recognize warning signs for this type of behavior - - jealousy can be confused for love or interest, particularly in the beginning.

Sociopaths also like to abuse people simply because it amuses them. They are also very adept at putting on a false face at the beginning of the relationship just to draw you in. You can't fix him. I would absolutely leave. I've known a few in my time and I know how slick they can be and how easily they can lead you to doubt yourself. It's like trying to stare down a cobra. Don't even try. Just go.