Getting my girlfriend to trust me

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I think that you are better off dumping her if she is going to treat you that way. I couldn't put up with any girl doing that to me. (Yes, I believe you love her, but I don't believe she loves you.)

This is BS! If I can't talk to my girlfriend about anything at all, I certainly will not keep her.

Like I said, the good part to it all is that she is very open to communication. This means that I can sit down and talk to her for hours and hours and she will be listen to my point of view and try to understand where I am comming from. She is also willing to call herself "paranoid" and basically admit that she goes too far, even WHILE bringing up these issues. So the point is that she isn't blaming me, she is aware that these are her own insecurities that she is trying to deal with.



She loves me. I know it from the fact that whenever I start to focus on school a little more and stop calling her as often, she would start sending me multiple emails asking for reassurance that I didn't lose interest.

I believe that the fact that she keeps worrying that I don't love her only proves that she loves me. I mean, if she didn't love me, why would she care whether I love her or not? On the other hand, due to the fact that she loves me so much, she has a lot to lose, hence she keeps worrying. As far as her accusing me of being interested in someone else, I believe this is only a symptom of her desperately needing my love.

The reason I am so understanding about her, is that I am the same exact way. When I am in love with someone, I begin to worry that they don't love me, etc. Then, subsequently, I am accused of the fact that I don't love them since love involves trust and I obviously don't trust them. But I know the first hand that these accusations are false. I "stop trusting" people precisely BECAUSE i love them so much that it is important to verify 100% that they love me too.

So I believe Erin does the same exact thing. And this only means that she is the right one for me. Because if I am with ANYONE other than her, I would lose them over THEM being mad at ME for not trusting them. But now that I am with Erin, we are in the same shoes. Since she has her own insequirities, she WANTS me to be obsessed aobut her. So, I know that I won't lose her over being too obsessed, the way it happened in the past.

Nope. That's not love. That's either lust or just a demand for attention. I've been there, Roman, and I know what I'm talking about. I do believe that you love her, just like I loved my ex, but trust me, I don't think she loves you in return.Blah, blah, blah....the point is that no matter how much you think someone loves you, true love would be a real concern for you, not nagging to be loved.
She does the exact same thing my ex used to pull on me. You're in trouble. If she loved you, she wouldn't be disappointed about being just friends if it were to come to that.

But the point is that I don't see a reason to be taking it personally. I don't view it as her attitude towards me; rather, these are her own difficulties that she would be having whether she is with me or with someone else.

Just to back off a little, I remember few times when she was telling me that she loves me more than she ever loved anyone throughout her life. But then she also added a statement that it might be that she never loved before because all of her previous relationships were based strictly on sex, and this is the first genuine one.

So, if you look at that last statement, you can't expect her to know what is true love. Because the fact of a matter is that she is ignorant when it comes to these things; and she also admits that precisely BECAUSE she is ignorant when it comes to love, thats why she is so insequire because she isn't sure what she should do or what is expected of her.

In general, I believe she is a lot younger than her age, and that is part of where her demands of attention come from (even though she just turned 32, her little daughter was telling her that she is more mature than she is; and she freely admitted it because she knows it is true) And this is a GOOD thing because another part of being childlike is being open and not knowing how to lie. Granted, little children don't know all the intricacies of a true love verses not a true love. But at the same time, you can swear that they are being totally sincere so you can't attribute their apparent ignorance to lying or manipulativeness the way you do to adults.

Again, the reason I am saying it this way is that I have been in her shoes. I have been accused of not having true love precisely with a statemetn that love and demand for attention aren't the same thing. But it took for me YEARS of thinking on my own to figure it out just hints of why would anyone ever say it. So, whether or not that statement is true, the question is whether or not you need to have Ph.d. in psychology in order to know that. And if the answer is yes, then why should I expect my girlfriend to have one?

Appart from that, if you going to say that love and demand for attention isn't the same thing, then this exact charge can be stated against me too. So, if I want to be tough on her, lets be tough on myself. So, can I change myself and start having a "true" love that is separate from demand for attention? No. I don't even know how it feels like. So, then, if I find someone who is capable of "true love", I won't be on the same page with that person, which means the relationship will get one sided in the opposite dirrection with me constantly demanding all the attention and eventually lead to the woman breaking up with me. So thats why I really feel lucky I found Erin because FINALLY I found someone with whom I can be on the same page in terms of lack of awareness of ins and outs of love and subsequent insecurities.



1)I never asked her to be just friends. She THOUGHT I was going to, but I didn't. I want to stay in a relatinship with her.

2)To adress your "if" question, let me bring up something else. Some of these times when she wanted a reassurance if I were still in love with her, she kept asking me to tell her honestly, and that just in case I am not in love with her but I want to be friends, she would be glad to do it too, "even to the rest of our lives". But of course I always told her I wanted to stay together with her in a relationship, and she was glad because she wanted to be in a relatinoship with me, too.

So is the streets, and if my girlfriend followed me around or hired a P.I. it would freak me out.
Just saying; Beware of jealous girl-/boyfriends.
But with the nature of their relationship, I won't pass judgement.

I think it's fine to learn who someone is. But following someone around to see what they do during the day is pretty obsessive. And shows a lack of trust.

In this case, Erin isn't complaining that Roman is posting his issues on the internet. She was concerned that Roman still had feelings for his ex.

It doesn't matter. The only person that needs to believe is you.



That doesn't mean you should worry.

People can read your mind. More specifically, they can read your emotions.

When people see that you are worried about them believing them, they will conclude that you have lied.

Worrying that others accuse you of lying will make you look like a lyer.



I doubt that you can ever get 100% verfication. Eventually, you will have to step out on a limb and trust her. And she will need to do the same. Otherwise, you both will go nuts from all of the worrying.

As far as the lust/true love thing. I would have to say that it's true love when you don't worry about whether they'll love you tomorrow; because you know that YOU will still love them.

I see two things here.
"Do you believe me that I love my girlfriend?" and other questions you have asked, Roman, smack of insecurity. You are asking for validation and reassurance and approval. When someone posts a comment you come back with a list of defensive items to protect yourself and Erin. What you want to hear is, "Here is a list of tasks you must perform to have this girl trust you," and it will be itemised and easy to read. There is no list
Human beings usually like to trust each other. They want to have contact with other humans who share similar interests or goals or because they've already spent a lot of time near each other and are used to seeing them around. When the human ('bob') sees other humans around him acting in the same patterns over periods of time and can reasonably anticipate the human's response to various situations, this builds trust. When dealing with new people, trust is often gained by behaving in ways that were demonstrated previously by trustworthy people.
Erin has gone looking for you on google. Normally, meeting people and talking to them directly is enough to satisfy someone. To go looking on google is unusual, I say (unless they claim to be famous and you don't recognise them). She found something and started giving you grief about it.
This is despite the time and date on the material she found. Even if it was just a glance at the thread topic in a list of other forums, the date is still on it. She is looking for reasons not to trust you. Going out of her way.
By letting you know that she doesn't trust you, she has you running around in circles worrying because she is withholding the approval you want so much. You spend more time thinking about it. Fretting. Giving her your attention.
The explanations about how things work and why things are the way they are in the relationship seem to have you making excuses for the state of things. If you made no excuses or gave no explanations, it'd probably be a less-than-rosy picture. She's picking on the little things you say - things you say with the best intentions - and you end up having an argument as you defend yourself. She sounds insecure as well.
Gee, if she's insecure... and you're giving her all your energy worrying that she doesn't trust you (etc), that would make her feel more secure. For the insecure person, attention is more valued than genuine security. She is not going to turn off that tap now. The relationship would end rather than her give it up, I'd say.
You're being sucked dry, in the name of love. This is called a co-dependent relationship. Both parties usually have the best of intentions, but together they're a bad mix. Best wishes for your eventual break-up.

I never said I weren't trusting Erin. I was simply trying to justify why she wasn't trusting me, by pointing out to the fact that I, myself, have problem trusting people. So why be tough on her if her problem is identical to mine?




But thats the part I can't control, and that is why I wrote this post on the first place.



But if you love them and they don't love you bakc, it is a miserable place to be. So, by this logic, the more you know that YOU will still love them, the MORE you are worried whether or not they will do the same.

You hit a nail on a head here. Because, what you just said, implies that people who are "different" are harder to trust. So, due to my Asperger, up to date NO ONE has fully trusted me. Thats part of the reason why I am not blaming Erin for it.



Again, that is where Asperger totally screws me over. After all, I am different from EVERYONE. So, as a particular case of being different from everyone, I am different from the so called "trustworthy people". Hence, I am not trusted.

But the point is that I can't undo my Asperger. So, I have no choice but to try to look for other ways to figure out a way to be trusted.



But her intention of looking on google was completely different. Basically she told me how she likes to overanalyze herself. I told her that I like that exact same thing, and then I gave her a link to a post I made back in 1998 that had nothing to do with any girls, but rather was simply long analysis of my Asperger. So the reason she was searching for me on google was simply because she wanted to find more of similar posts because she told me how she likes to overanalyze ppl. So probably whatever I sent her have striken her interests and she just wanted to read more.




The point is that I made more than one post about Anne. The one she had a problem with is a RECENT one which was made in June 23, 2006 : http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... highlight=




But the point is that like I mentioned earlier, MY ASPERGER is why ppl don't trust me. So it isn't Erin. It is EVERYONE. Now, what I have to do is compare which is worse. And I find out that Erin isn't nearly as bad as everyone else since at least she is blatantly honest so I don't have to sit down and GUESS what she thinks. Plus she is willing to sit down and dissect things, for hours (actually she refuses to debate with me of why I was frowning in the car the day before yesterday where I am trying to prove to her that I didn't mean to frown at all; but hopefully this is the only example of something she is not willing to discuss). You might have notice that most of the time I spent overanalyzing things were with ppl other than Erin. And this is precisely the proof of why Erin isn't nearly as bad.



Likewise, when she gives me all the energy worrying that I don't like her any more, this also makes me feel more secure. So, since we are both insecure we are both giving each other what each other wants.



But the point is that I am willing to spend as many hours as needed discussing whatever misunderstandings there might be. I mean after spending MONTHS wondering ON MY OWN about the way people other than Erin have acted, I am now glad to meet Erin where I don't have to wonder on my own but can instead talk about it openly, and thus clear up all misunderstandings.



This was done before Erin was ever in a picture. Given that Erin is probably the only person in the planet who isn't as bad as the women I met untill her, what I am going through now is a huge relief from everything I went trhough in the past.



To me, it seems that I am better off with Erin than with others because with Erin I am her equal. On the other hand, with others, I view them as superior and hence seek their approval much more than i seek Erin's approval which ultimately leads me to be more obsessive with others than with Erin; on the other hand, Erin, being obsessive herself, is more tolerant towards my own obsessiveness. Thus, due to the fact that I have Erin, on the one hand my obsessions are tolerated, and on the other hand I don't obsess as much since I view her as equal. So, on both accounts, it works out better.

What I'm saying, is to not worry about whether the love is reciprocated or not.



Don't worry about it.



It's only miserable because you're Limerent; see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
Get over your crush and you'll be better. If it's mutual, then you both have Puppy Love

The experience of infatuation is such that it'll keep you from developing a strong relationship. It's like being on a drug.

Isn't it nice to go back to good old past and read what I wrote back when I was so much younger and has so fewer things to worry about ...

Anyway, I know it had a lot more to do with that particular girl than myself. She had trust issues and insecurities so the bottom line is that its good we didn't stay together. And yes I have been bringing up "just friends" movie to other girls after i was done with her. None of them ever said it implied I want to be just friends. Although yes it caused some conflicts -- mainly around the fact that I was telling them "I like this movie because it reminds me of my own rejection by other girls". Well at least this is a much better reason to be concerned, in my book anyway

I would be upset too it i was in a relationship with a guy who kept bringing up a pas girlfriend.

I don't even know how to explain the reason to you. A current loved one wants to be your everything. It probably hurts her when you suddenly bring up this other woman the past

It doesn't matter if you are not in love with past ex girlfriend. You are in love with the obsession and that takes away from the attention and "us" time that you share with Erin.

I know that honesty is a good quality, but this isn't about lying or hiding the truth from your current girlfriend. Respect her feelings. She doesnt want this past woman to dominate your conversations. If erin asks about her, then answer, but all she did was ask you about tv. She wasnt wanting to talk about anne. She wanted to talk about tv.