Modern Love, Aspergers + Marriage by David Finch

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OMG!! My first thought was "make a sign!!

I asked him if he would rather I have one cup that I use and put my name on it wit DO NOT Touch and he seemed to think that would be belittling him and he would like grow to have resentment. I have had a DO Not touch rule and he just doesn't seem to remember, so I am thinking that it is not making it through his short term memory to long term and I defiantely agree that when he is distracted, watching TV, doing something he is focus on it seems that he doesn't connect the dots. From the reading I have been seeing that it may have something to do with executive functioning, am I correct ?
It actually makes alot of sense, the comment about making things a habit. He had a issue with the thermostat that was driving everyone in the house insane ( he would lower it to low and nearly freese the rest of us ) and we had to put a post it note on the thermostat for several weeks that said Do not touch. and it took some pretty healthy arguments with his counselor to be able to get him to override his feelings of anxiety when he was tempted to mess with the thermostat.
He made a statement last night about over riding his thoughts that the drinks were neglected, which is very odd to me because we keep a very clean and tidy home. He also has an issue with having multiple beverages at once and I believe that is because he gets anxious when he has to many options and over the years he just has chosen to have multiple. Its not unusual for him to have a coffee, tea, and water all at the same time. I don't know if this is a common issue with people that have Aspie's or not.

Last edited by willy0527 on 25 Mar 2013, 3:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

So happy to finally realise I'm not alone in my oddness. My AS friend has helped me out a lot, as he's made me realise that it's all part of me & it has its benefits, like being able to see flaws in seemingly-logical arguments (though I am still trying to learn when is ok to point them out & when it isn't). But can't always see the blindingly obvious!

Have you tried hiding your drink/moving it somewhere he can't see it from where he is? Generally, when I'm focused on things it's only things that I can see without moving my head that have my attention. Like I won't think of making a cup of tea when I'm busy unless the cup is in my eyeline when I feel thirsty and something distracts my attention from what I'm doing.

But I really can't see it as lack of respect. I can see what he means by feeling it's belittling if you mean that you'd be drinking wine from a mug, just so he wouldn't touch it! But just because he isn't focusing doesn't mean that he has an excuse not to take your feelings into account. Yes, for him it's easier to not change his behaviour but that doesn't mean he can't make an effort. If it's really important then you need to make him realise that it's a problem & maybe he could suggest an answer. And if it's not a problem, then try to find a way round it.

My next thought was hide the cup! My NT friends did this ALL THE TIME. For them it was an effort to keep the house clean. They'd see a stray cup and in the dishwasher it would go. This happened for years. I learned to hide my cup and if I failed to hide it it was my loss. No sense if getting angry. I knew they'd throw it out so I just decided to change my behavior before I went crazy. It wasn't a big deal. Choose your battles.

Yeah, its definately chosing my battles. This is one that has been going on for so long that I have finally gotten tired of taking a back seat over and over again, when all he has to do is ask if I am finished with it.
He does the same thing when we are at a restrauant at first I would think he didn't want me to drink to much( I am a light weight) and so he was sharing my drink but I am beginning to think there is more to it.
I have moved the cup to other rooms I.e. The kitchen when he was in the living room watching tv. With The tea Incident he was not home and I was being a busy bee cleaning. I can see how it would look out of place in a spotless room when he walked in from work and he is usually thirsty when he comes in.
I tried to explain to him it was my little relaxing spot in the midst of being busy and to be tired and looking forward to a sip then to find it missing over and over again is exasperating.

A girlfriend told me her young son used to do the same thing until they made a nasty concoction and left it for him and it totally broke the behavior. Do I need to go to that Extreme, It definately doesn't seem like something I would do naturally and isn't very loving and respectful. Yet I keep reading that Aspie"s is not an excuse for bad behavior.

If it really bothers you that much then I suppose that could work, though it might upset him because he won't necessarily understand why you've done it.

Does Aspie"s prevent him from making the connection ? I truly don't want to result to those exteme's, I am just really down and tired of feeling invisiable. We see his counselor this evening and I am hopeful he has some clear suggestions

You want to know why he just can't ask.but why can't you just figure out something else to do? Is this the worst part of your relationship? I would be determined to figure out a way for me to keep my drink safe!! ! Lol!

That was a Genuine question, Somehow it seems that I am not being heard.
I have done everything I can think of that is RESPECTFUl I chose to treat people with the Golden rule.
Even peole with AS can learn to figure it out. I shouldn't have to always be changing everything to accomidate bad behavior.

No this is definately not the worst part of our relationship. I would say Communication and a extremely disfunctional family that all sticks their heads in the sand like an ostrich regarding his and his Son's diagnosis is likely the hardest things just for starters.

I think it's just my nature to give concessions. My point is if it's not the worst thing then why worry about it? That's all.

Had a really great Session with My Hubbies counselor last night and he had him and I doing alot of role playing to see if he can try to get into my head regarding this silly issue and it was really tough, As he says he can't spell the word feelings let alone describe what they are. He was given a list of primary and secondarty emotions and he was able to then slow down and talk about each and one individually.

This whole issues with taking others beverages I guess has been going on for years and it is worse that we had originally though. Apartently he will even pick up random drinks at work and on the job site and feels a compulsion to not allow the liquid to go to waste so he drinks it and then disposes of the recycling that someone else should have done.

The counselor was agast and really tried to get him to see how unsanitary it is along with completely disrespectful behavior, We are hoping that giving him a corrilation between comunicable infections with register with him and be a way to get him to understand. He has already contracted Hep A a number of years ago and not sure how so we tried to help show the connection.

I don't think the issue is the drinks for me I think it is the pain and the setting in of reality that this is what I have to deal with on small and large scales. It hurts! I just want to love and be loved, and to not be seen is a really hard concept for me to understand from a man that can be totally loving and has a servant heart. Its also a crazy Irony that I am trying to wrap my head around that I lost my first husband to a major head injury and now my second husband has issues with the way his brain processes. I sometimes feel like God is trying to teach me something and if not this certainly feels like some kind of cosmic joke.

Maybe you are learning patience and endurance?

yes definately,
its just really really strange at how many incidences of things I have had to endure that most only have one in a life time. multiple pregnancy losses, The loss of my youngest daughter after being terminally ill for several years, the loss of my first spouse 10 months later. I guess there is a positive to all this I definately have one thing in common with him I perservere and rise up over and over again. This also feels like a huge loss that my current husband is not able to understand the emotive side of me and other's.

So I am not really sure how this forum thing works really well do I have to enter a new subject each time I do a reply?

No. Just type your reply

I truly believe we are only given what we can handle. Someone else in your shoes may have had nervous breakdown by now.

LOL I sometimes think I have already had several.

What exercises is this, are there any here on wrongplanet published?