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Are Aspies More Attached To The People They Love?

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ColdEyesWarmHeart
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30 Oct 2012, 5:31 pm

Adam82 wrote:
I tend to fall too hard , too soon. For most people it takes a while to form attachments. Aspies can be very loyal.


I could have written this. When I fall in love, I fall all the way in... and get badly hurt by the experience to the point it can take months/years to get over someone I never really had anything with in the first place.

I'm the same with friendships. I have very few friends, but those who are my friends stick around for years and we have very strong close bonds. Everyone who knows me says I'd be one of the rare people who mates for life if I ever found the right partner.


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30 Oct 2012, 5:41 pm

Ilka wrote:
My Aspie husband and Aspie daughter are extremely attached. To the point sometimes I feel them clingy. I need to work very hard to comply with their emotional needs. And my husband says sometimes he feels alone because I do not give enough. So yes, I would say yes.
i get like too unfortunatly NTs tend to get unglued quickly because of it! I get overly affectionate!


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Adam82
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30 Oct 2012, 5:46 pm

ColdEyesWarmHeart wrote:
Adam82 wrote:
I tend to fall too hard , too soon. For most people it takes a while to form attachments. Aspies can be very loyal.


I could have written this. When I fall in love, I fall all the way in... and get badly hurt by the experience to the point it can take months/years to get over someone I never really had anything with in the first place.

I'm the same with friendships. I have very few friends, but those who are my friends stick around for years and we have very strong close bonds. Everyone who knows me says I'd be one of the rare people who mates for life if I ever found the right partner.


This is me. I've never had a girlfriend, but I've definitely experienced this. It can take me months, years to get over someone there wasn't any chance of getting with in the first place.

I can be loyal to a fault, even if the person turns out to be someone who doesn't deserve loyalty.



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30 Oct 2012, 7:55 pm

This is one of the million things I afore about my AS boyfriend. U am not at all clingy but I am cert passionate. He photographs beautiful models all the time and they love him because he doesn't paw at them. I am completely comfortable with it because I know he loves me and only me. I love that I can openly express how much I adore him and he doesn't feel smothered. Just loved. It is a wonderful trait.



ColdEyesWarmHeart
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02 Nov 2012, 6:27 am

Adam82 wrote:
I can be loyal to a fault, even if the person turns out to be someone who doesn't deserve loyalty.


Oh yes, the loyalty thing. I'm better than I used to be with it, but I gave people second chances, which turn into tenth chances, hundredth chances... to hurt me in exactly the same way as they did the first time.

It's taken me years to get to grips with the sad fact that while I try to be nice, i.e. I never try to hurt others intentionally and don't lie, cheat or use, that not everyone keeps the same rules.

It annoys me as I'm pretty good at spotting patterns usually, and if someone else described their situation to me I'd be quick to say "This isn't a friend. This is a user. Get rid." but I struggle to see it when it is happening to me.



LoriB
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02 Nov 2012, 7:00 am

I think that is a trait many people in general have but more so with an Aspie since they like familiarity. when my bf tells me stories about his exes and especially his ex wife I am horrified. I asked him once why he married her. He didn't ask her to marry him she just told him if they were going to buy a house then they were getting married and they went to a lawyers office and signed the papers. Got some lunch then went about their day. He said he figured he had invested a year and a half in it so he might as well just go ahead and do it. It took him a long time to get out of it too. He just put up with the abuse day in and out.



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02 Nov 2012, 7:12 am

I think so.......... LoriB is right with the familiarity thing.


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profofhumanities
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03 Nov 2012, 10:21 pm

If my Aspie husband and Aspie son are any indication, yes, they do fall hard. In my husband's case, he "used up" most of his romantic ideas before we met. The women eventually broke up with him, and he taught himself to not be so clingy over the years. The down side is I get to hear these stories of romantic things he did for other women, but I know he doesn't have the desire to do those things anymore.

My 10-year-old saw a girl on the first day of school last year. He came home and told me she was "stunning." Although they do not have any classes together this year, he still looks for her in the hall and has not found anyone who compares to her. She is a sweet girl, but she does not like him in that way. For now, he seems willing to wait.


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04 Nov 2012, 5:06 am

profofhumanities wrote:
If my Aspie husband and Aspie son are any indication, yes, they do fall hard. In my husband's case, he "used up" most of his romantic ideas before we met. The women eventually broke up with him, and he taught himself to not be so clingy over the years. The down side is I get to hear these stories of romantic things he did for other women, but I know he doesn't have the desire to do those things anymore.

My 10-year-old saw a girl on the first day of school last year. He came home and told me she was "stunning." Although they do not have any classes together this year, he still looks for her in the hall and has not found anyone who compares to her. She is a sweet girl, but she does not like him in that way. For now, he seems willing to wait.


yeah all the letters I have written as a little boy, cards, poetry, teddy bears, romantic scenery all turned to nothing. It feels like they only see it as manipulation or just never felt that what I felt for them. I had my already small heart broken into millions pieces and unable to get my self to do anything more. Everything feels like work now.



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15 Nov 2012, 5:57 pm

LeeAnderson wrote:
I've been in love with my best friend for over three years now so I'd have to say yes in response to the OP.. It's painful but I can't deny it, it's what I feel. She's perfect, she doesn't judge me. She thinks I'm normal and treats me that way. She's amazing.


She sounds like a wonderful person. Just wondering, im brand new here, so hello :) , and after reading your post i was wondering, are you an aspie, or autistic? and does she know? because you say she thinks you are normal and treats you that way...



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16 Nov 2012, 12:44 am

Yep, still think a lot about my ex-GF 15 months after breaking up. We will talk occasionally when we see each other, I'll get my hopes up, and then not see/hear from her for weeks or months.



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16 Nov 2012, 2:28 am

CodEyesWarmHeart I am *exactly* the same. Excellent at spotting it for others but useless with myself.

And in answer to this thread, oh YES, I get super attached to someone I have a crush on or go out with and I can't even bear the thought that it could possibly end. :o



madnak
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16 Nov 2012, 4:12 am

I want to have an extremely intense and close relationship. I work hard to prevent myself from falling for anybody since that course of action seems to lead to disaster for most people.



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16 Nov 2012, 4:40 am

aspiesandra27 wrote:
CodEyesWarmHeart I am *exactly* the same. Excellent at spotting it for others but useless with myself.

And in answer to this thread, oh YES, I get super attached to someone I have a crush on or go out with and I can't even bear the thought that it could possibly end. :o

interesting, so you get super attached, but you want to live on your own?



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16 Nov 2012, 8:01 am

Civ001 wrote:
I would like to know this because I have had several crushes in my life and when I think about a girl who I like I tend to obsess about her more. I am not so sure if this is a AS thing where we tend to be more obessed but I kind of go way to far with my crushes. I don't know why but I just do. I guess since I am new to the whole relationship thing that I might be. What do you think?


No offense, but your subject line is [unintentionally] a bit misleading. There's a difference between "attachment" and "obsession." I get attached, but not obsessed.


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16 Nov 2012, 11:40 am

Dantac wrote:
absolutely.

Attached as in the sense that one does not take that loved one for granted (as is sadly what I see most NT's behave .. but then again this is just my observation).


I'm an NT in a new-ish relationship with a AS. I've dated a lot in the last 5 years since my husband died, and as an older adult, I'm learning that everyone, regardless of where they might sit on the spectrum, attaches as different rates, and loves differently. I am cautious, but think I could love fiercely when I feel it is "safe" and my fierce love will be returned. It is interesting that you raise the question, as sometimes it is hard for me to "see" that my AS boyfriend loves me. I rely on very different clues to feel and internalize his affection than an NT/NT relationship.

I think love and dating is complex no matter who you are.