A followup to my thread about kissing a friend

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So ultimately I'm just not ready to see or talk to this person again. Not until I decide if it truly is worth it to continue pursuing interpersonal relationships.

Hi All,

I was going to reply in my original thread, but I see it was locked. Actually I was pretty amazed at the life it took on. I figured it had petered out after 7 pages or so, and would soon be buried by others posts. I forgot about it, until I casually looked it up and saw it had more than doubled in length.

First of all, I apologize for instigating such a heated debate. It wasn't my intention. I was just trying to find a way to cope with my guilt over the mistake I made in kissing my friend. I felt like I violated her trust and her space in a misguided effort to trust what my instincts told me, and to be more of an assertive person. We had initially hugged goodbye, and she seemed to cling to me just a bit longer than what might be normal. I took this to mean that perhaps she was giving me a hint, and I kissed her. She did not say at the time that what I did was wrong, and she smiled and we parted ways with me none the wiser. It wasn't until she messaged me later, that I learned I was wrong to kiss her.

I apologized profusely. She said I didn't do anything wrong and assured me it was alright, but it wasn't enough for me.

I consider myself a feminist. I try in every way to be respectful of women. As others have pointed out to me in the past, I may even have a tendency to put women on a pedestal, when I really should just treat them as I would anyone else...regular people, not some ideal or object of desire. I try so very hard to do this, but still it is hard even for me to talk to woman. To approach one I don't even know and begin to chat...unimagineable. I have a lot of challenges when it comes to interacting with others, going back to personal, family experiences, that I'm working on resolving with a counselor.

With my friend, I thought the time was right, and the signal was there, and I took a chance...and it was the wrong one. It has shaken me, and I've resolved to never again do something like that. I'll always ask. If it kills the mood, so be it. If the other person loses respect for me because I'm not assertive enough to "know' when to kiss without asking, we're probably not a good fit anyways.

I suppose I just yearn for physical contact. To hold hands, to put my arm over someone's shoulder, to kiss, to caress, to one day perhaps even make love. I used to be and still am so very reserved with my affections, though I want to be more expressive and I'm trying more, but this experience has me wondering if that is the right approach, or if I should just not take such chances unless given explicit permission. I think that is the right thing, and the safe thing.

As for my friend, I wish I had better news to tell. I just can't bring myself to face her, and I've not communicated with her since I wrote my apology message. Maybe with time things will return to normal, but until then I just can't do it. I can't yet forgive myself for what I did to my friend, who trusted in me and felt comfortable around me, and in a split second all that was gone away.

Being a feminist in its own right is not going to help you get a gf. Don't pretend to care about women just so you can get laid. Trust me: It ain't gonna work son.