The Choice

Post Reply New Topic

Stop caring so much what other people think.

So now you're going to do what people tell you for the rest of your life?

If you're repulsed by your girlfriend, why would you want to be with her?

Fine, I'll stop caring that some people don't like me going out with a girl who doesn't look nice but I'll also stop caring that some people think I'm shallow.Of course I am. I got a job in January. That means I'm going to do what my boss tells me to do for the rest of my life. And we all do what the unwritten rules of society dictate. The secret of those unwritten rules is that people can add new ones any time they want. They can add to the list of banned words any time they please.That's what I don't want people thinking about me. See? I told you people would judge me for going after low hanging fruit.

So make your own rules then.
WTF are you talking about? What I'm hearing you say, correct me if I'm wrong, is that you are repulsed by your girlfriend, but this doesn't concern you as you don't want to be alone; however, you are concerned that you will have a low status in society because of being viewed as settling for someone you are not attracted to. But how do people know you are repulsed by her? Because she is intrinsically repulsive? You know, people don't spend that much time caring about what other people do. Stop all this analysis, it's a useless waste of energy.

Well you said that now you look better and have a better job so you want to dump your gf and get a better looking one because now you can. This is pretty shallow.
She seems very douchy too anyway, for example she went to another city and left him for a month then came back. You know what this means lol.

Having an aesthetic standard isn't what's making you look ridiculously shallow. It's reasonable to say "I want to be physically attracted to my partner," because sure, finding them hideous probably isn't a good thing to start things out with. There's a degree when you are focusing so much on looks and saying so little about anything else that people wonder if you have anything emotionally invested in these people, though.

A lot of the concepts you use in explaining your logic could be used to debate which model of sports car to drive. Replace things like 'D cups' with '18 inch rims.' You're worrying about which one will look better when you're next to it. Which one your family will like you with. If you should get rid of the old one so you can afford the new one. A car is an object, when you're able to interchange the way you talk about people with the way you talk about cars then there's a good chance you're treating people as objects to augment your social status/self-esteem/bragging rights. It's okay to view a car as a trophy of what you've accomplished (if you like cars) - but many of us will disagree when you treat people the same way.

Despite everything you wrote I know almost nothing about these girls. So your current one you 'might' like her personality; you didn't elaborate on what her personality even is. You like that she's Asian and has D-cups. You like that she pays you back for things. So far it sounds like you'd be happy with a Japanese brand cash register with breast implants hanging off of the front.

The deepest you actually got to explaining how you to 'fit together': you both play PC games. You both hate iPhones. You're self-confessed materialists. You both hate your families. That was the deepest you got. If this was real logic people used to determine attraction then you would be suffocating in piles of women who want to do anything with you as long as it's playing computer games and/or hating iPhones/their families with you.

The way you talk about them attributes very little sentience to them, we have minimal reason to think you see them as more than things to show off to other people and validate yourself with. That's why you're not getting the nicest replies, your perception is very fixated on appearance and you don't realize how degrading what you're typing sounds.

That is correct.Yes.

Also one of my friends said she is. He said "Look, I don't mind big girls but she's friggin' huge. If she doesn't stop eating she's going to die".

Also she said it about herself. She said "My dad doesn't believe I have a boyfriend because of how I look. We're like beauty and the beast. I'm the beast".I will try.

Threads like this make me wish I could objectify someone simply to give the finger to those who told me I can't.

AHA!! ! Another case of male dating a gf because he has no other choice!!
viewtopic.php?t=275052

This is so...so....common: Man putting up with a woman because he has no other options, it's so outrageously common.

Yes, yes you can leave GF. You SHOULD leave GF if you want to pursue other women.

Your options, if you want to not be a horrible person are:
1. Dump GF, pursue other women freely
2. Stay with GF, don't pursue other women
3. Ask GF for an open relationship, pursue other women freely with her blessing
4. Ask GF for a monthlong "break" and re-evaluate the relationship (stay together or break up) then. Freely pursue other girls during that month.

I think I see your dilemma now ... you enjoy her company, but are embarrassed by her unattractiveness. But give her up and maybe you have nothing.
Well, I wouldn't even consider the internet girl, who clearly just wants to get into the country. And your girlfriend has moved away, I gather. This is not necessarily the end of the relationship. So you have to decide if you want to be with her or not. I don't think anyone but you can know this for sure.

Please please please dump the girlfriend. She deserves to be with somebody who doesn't think she's repulsive and embarrassed to be with her.

Right on all points.

I think I'll just have to await her return and get over myself. She hasn't seen that many of friends or any of my family because she refuses to see them. It turns out I'm not the only one who's embarrassed about her appearance. She is as well.

I want to help her feel better about herself but first I have to get over my narcissism. You're right that I enjoy her company. She has a kind and sweet personality. When we're alone we have a great relationship because no one is looking at us and with the lights out she's like a big soft teddy bear, not a coat rack.

I got of mad last month when she told me I wasn't allowed to skip meals and exercise for hours per night. She said it wasn't healthy for me and it makes her feel self-conscious. At first I was mad that she was trying to derail my plans to lose more weight but now that I think of it, the reason I started trying to lose weight was so girls would like me so it's kind of nice to think that a girl will like me regardless. I've gone back to eating three meals per day and I have more energy now.

It's just every few months she'll do something strange like move interstate and every few months I'll get conscious about her appearance. She's never made a disparaging remark about my appearance. I keep on trying to tell myself that other people don't care about her appearance and but thi is made hard when one of my closests friends keeps on complaining about her looks and her personality and then asks "why do you love her" and I can't think of an answer quick enough.

I'm probably not going to dump her when some pretty girl comes along because I feel a sense of loyalty to her. That really pretty Filipina girl, even before I found she was a mail order bride, when I thought she was one of my Dad's friends who he knew in real life, I felt really guilty about thinking of going with her instead of GF. I started this thread to resolve this internal conflict. I just felt overwhelmed and I couldn't focus on other tasks.

For sure!

I wonder about your friend though. It's really none of his business if you love her or not. A friend should support you in your decisions, not make them for you.

She came close to breaking up with me today. and I felt like maybe I should let her. Nothing to do with her looks. She was being so controlling and then she got mad when I reacted to it. I kind of tried to be subtle in my reaction but maybe that made it worse because I didn't explain why I was angry. Maybe that's my problem. Like If I just said what I mean she would understand.

But there's her habit of being controlling, of overreacting and she makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Like we, no she could have a happy relationship if only I have a list of five hundred things I'm not allowed to say. All this started with an argument over home directorating (no I don't want her to turn our bedroom into Disneyland) and then she said I could have no more than 1 TV in our bedroom.

Or maybe she's right. Maybe I'm a horrible person. I'm mean, obnoxious shallow, lazy, cowardly, negative, wasteful, disorganized. I'm probably going to fail my diploma because today was supposed to be study day and I just couldn't get focused and study (and this was before the argument). A lot of the time I'm slow and/or confused at work. Maybe I'll get fired from that as well. I sit at my desk and I feel like I'm an imposter. Why do they pay me when I don't even do a good job? What good am I?

I rang up the Philipina and chatted to her for a while. She sounded nice but I don't think she was into me. She already knew I had a girlfriend and my attempts to skirt around the issue weren't entirely successful.

That's not the worst part though. The worst part was that after a while, listening to her tone of voice, she sounded bored. I get that a lot when I'm trying to chat up girls. They always sound really bored because I'm boring. How can I not be boring?