Cute girl with blue hair already taken

Page 2 of 4 [ 49 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Babi dwr
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 23 Jun 2016
Age: 1946
Gender: Female
Posts: 95
Location: UK

23 Aug 2018, 3:22 am

Marknis wrote:
When you live in an area where you don't fit in with the general populace, the social scene is going to feel incredibly shallow. Everywhere I go in my area, I am on the outside looking in.


Thats usually the case for aspies everywhere because the social scene is shallow. There are plenty of ways to meet the right person though and there always has been. I used the pen pal network in the 90's rather than go out because it just wasnt my thing. Makes me laugh at how much faster contact is nowadays via online methods compared to using the mail service!! I dont know how I coped tbh being so impatient.

You need to find someone with a common interest so begin by finding a group for that and inevitably you will connect with someone through that channel. I think the more someone overthinks this kind of stuff the harder it becomes.

If you relaxed about it a little, maybe it would just happen.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

23 Aug 2018, 9:47 am

Babi dwr wrote:
Marknis wrote:
When you live in an area where you don't fit in with the general populace, the social scene is going to feel incredibly shallow. Everywhere I go in my area, I am on the outside looking in.


Thats usually the case for aspies everywhere because the social scene is shallow. There are plenty of ways to meet the right person though and there always has been. I used the pen pal network in the 90's rather than go out because it just wasnt my thing. Makes me laugh at how much faster contact is nowadays via online methods compared to using the mail service!! I dont know how I coped tbh being so impatient.

You need to find someone with a common interest so begin by finding a group for that and inevitably you will connect with someone through that channel. I think the more someone overthinks this kind of stuff the harder it becomes.

If you relaxed about it a little, maybe it would just happen.


Well, I mentioned being a part of a Meet Up group since 2016. I can talk to the people in it but the conversations tend to fizzle out.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:      

23 Aug 2018, 9:54 am

Marknis wrote:
You make it sound like a relationship is something one can just drive to the store and buy one.
You make it sound like it is impossible to be in a relationship unless you fit a very narrow set of parameters.
Marknis wrote:
When you live in an area where you don't fit in with the general populace, the social scene is going to feel incredibly shallow. Everywhere I go in my area, I am on the outside looking in.
I used to be the same way, until I moved out of my parents' house, finished school, got a job, and stopped caring what other people think about me.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

23 Aug 2018, 10:02 am

Fnord wrote:
You make it sound like it is impossible to be in a relationship unless you fit a very narrow set of parameters.


For the most part in the culture I live in, it is like that. Even the people who are open to pre-marital sex think if you aren't a "Christian", you are "messed up".

Quote:
I used to be the same way, until I moved out of my parents' house, finished school, got a job, and stopped caring about what other people think about me.


I have a job but I haven't been able to move out due to my control freak mother sabotaging my life on so many levels and college was not the grand experience people told me it would be.



BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

23 Aug 2018, 10:35 am

Let's get you moved out, then.

I know mothers can be that way. My niece was ruled by her narcissistic, control-freak mother until her mother finally died (by suicide - a way out often taking by aging narcissists when they can no longer get their emotional "feeding"). My niece is now rebuilding a life for herself, in her early 40s. It has been a real education for me, seeing the ways in which their relationship torpedoed any healthy lifestyle for my niece, leading to a path of self-destruction through addictions and dysfunctional relationships.

Have you had the conversation with your mother about what would need to happen for you to move to greater independence? At the same time, have you contacted Social Security to find out how you could get control of your own money?

I don't want to derail your therapy, but these are areas where you could "move forward" with your life, and maybe you can discuss it now that you're back in therapy with your previous therapist.


_________________
A finger in every pie.


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:      

23 Aug 2018, 11:00 am

BeaArthur wrote:
... My niece was ruled by her narcissistic, control-freak mother until her mother finally died (by suicide - a way out often taking by aging narcissists when they can no longer get their emotional "feeding").
My bigoted, bullying, narcissistic, control-freak father died in 2004 from self-induced COPD and alcohol-related health issues. He was 70 years old. Today would have been his 85th birthday.



Babi dwr
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 23 Jun 2016
Age: 1946
Gender: Female
Posts: 95
Location: UK

23 Aug 2018, 11:30 am

Whats the meet up group for? is it a general one or for a special interest?



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

23 Aug 2018, 11:55 am

BeaArthur wrote:
Let's get you moved out, then.

I know mothers can be that way. My niece was ruled by her narcissistic, control-freak mother until her mother finally died (by suicide - a way out often taking by aging narcissists when they can no longer get their emotional "feeding"). My niece is now rebuilding a life for herself, in her early 40s. It has been a real education for me, seeing the ways in which their relationship torpedoed any healthy lifestyle for my niece, leading to a path of self-destruction through addictions and dysfunctional relationships.

Have you had the conversation with your mother about what would need to happen for you to move to greater independence? At the same time, have you contacted Social Security to find out how you could get control of your own money?

I don't want to derail your therapy, but these are areas where you could "move forward" with your life, and maybe you can discuss it now that you're back in therapy with your previous therapist.


I've had conversations about it with her before. They tend to go nowhere but I suppose I can try again. As for my social security, I really need to ask her if she is my payee or not. It's something I don't completely understand and need to get straightened out.

Babi dwr wrote:
Whats the meet up group for? is it a general one or for a special interest?


It's called The Collective. It's meant to be a group for fans of science fiction/fantasy to do movie nights and game nights.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:      

23 Aug 2018, 12:04 pm

So you have to talk to your  jailer  mother to release you  let you move out. Does she still have legal custody of you? Do you have a lawyer?



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

23 Aug 2018, 5:23 pm

Fnord wrote:
So you have to talk to your  jailer  mother to release you  let you move out. Does she still have legal custody of you? Do you have a lawyer?


No, she does not as far as I know.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

23 Aug 2018, 5:30 pm

I doubt that she could have "legal custody" of you---unless you granted her "power of attorney" over you.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:      

23 Aug 2018, 6:51 pm

Marknis wrote:
Fnord wrote:
So you have to talk to your  jailer  mother to release you  let you move out. Does she still have legal custody of you? Do you have a lawyer?
No, she does not as far as I know.
Well then, what's holding you back? Finances? Lack of adequate low-income housing? Fear of the unknown?



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:      

23 Aug 2018, 6:53 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I doubt that she could have "legal custody" of you---unless you granted her "power of attorney" over you.
OR if she had him declared "Non Compos Mentis" ("Not Competent Mentally") by a judge, especially if she had it done before he had reached the age of majority.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,960
Location: The Vile Belt

23 Aug 2018, 8:59 pm

Fnord wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Fnord wrote:
So you have to talk to your  jailer  mother to release you  let you move out. Does she still have legal custody of you? Do you have a lawyer?
No, she does not as far as I know.
Well then, what's holding you back? Finances? Lack of adequate low-income housing? Fear of the unknown?


When I failed at what I thought would be my niches in college as well as the fact the social scene there wasn't the Shangri-La everyone told me it would be and when nothing ever went my way no matter what I tried, I effectively lost all hope for my life ever getting better.



BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

23 Aug 2018, 9:15 pm

Let me know if I am overwhelming you, but I see some key tasks for you.

1. Call Social Security and talk to them about getting your money sent to you and not your mother. You do know your Social Security number, don't you?

2. Ask your therapist to help you move in the direction of moving out, even if it takes quite a while to get there. Outline the necessary steps. I'm sure your therapist could facilitate a family meeting if that will help.

Your choice of tasks might differ from my choice of tasks, but the key point is, we don't see you making any motions. Kiddo, if you stay stuck in despair, you NEVER will move forward, and all you can do is fantasize the what-if's. So you pick the tasks, but do SOMETHING.


_________________
A finger in every pie.


BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Posts: 5,798

24 Aug 2018, 9:08 am

Let me share something with you. My daughter has had a rough time becoming an independent adult, but has succeeded, if only by fits and starts. Unlike many parents of autistic adults, I was in favor of her attaining independence. But my daughter needs help sometimes with executive function things, including signing up for programs, managing her health needs, making appointments, and the like. I used to do all of that for her after first seeing where she was falling short. But eventually, we found a social worker in our county who she can meet with as often as necessary. This person does many of the things I used to do - making phone calls, signing up for programs, encouraging my daughter, etc.

So my daughter is a very intelligent, mostly-college-educated, sweet person with both autism and post-concussive syndrome, who can be successful as an independent adult with appropriate help.

What does this have to do with you, Marknis? It means you don't have to do it all, you need appropriate help, but neither do you have to be helpless. If you want to move away from being reliant on your mother, you will need to find other ways to provide that structure in your life. Please, please take this lesson to heart.


_________________
A finger in every pie.