Letting Go of A Toxic Relationship Kraftie, Was Right.

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I really appreciate all your support. I am going through withdrawal symptoms. They will pass.
I was thinking today that it's very similar to yearning to see a spark of love or approval in my fathers' eyes, wanting love from someone trapped in his own pathology who is incapable of giving Choosing similar partners is like trying over and over again to seduce them into showing you love finally. Or an addiction to the indifference. It's interesting how we are locked in our childhood traumas and the reset button of the brain is "jammed". My AEDP therapist says it can be reprogrammed and that I will flourish in the future. I am beginning to see the weakness of these tough, abusive types. Often they are terrified of life and need to control others to feel less afraid. It's uncanny how I find them and they me. I have forgiven my father, I will forgive this guy too. I will not have contact with him again.

I agree that bullies are often cowards. My own father was. What is interesting is that I confronted him 15 years ago and told him how he had made my life a living hell, that he was the reason that I left home at a very young age and even the country I was born in. He was surprised and in denial. I don't know why but I asked him if his parents were also violent with him when he was a child. He told me a little about his difficult childhood. I stopped blaming him at that moment and felt a great easing of my emotions. I actually went back to England to tend to him for a while when he was dying because I am also a nurse. I asked my therapist why, if I know all the rationale about my abuse and how it affects me, why do I still react in benign situations as if my life is in danger. Why I crave dysfunctional men. The reply was conditioning of the brain at a critical time of development during childhood. He even thinks my ADD could be a result of CPTSD. I don't really understand this. It doesn't seem likely because my son has severe ADHD so it seems hereditary and he had a great childhood apart from school.

Thank you Bender. It seems that we have both been blessed with resilience, I am very grateful for that.

I'm not surprised. Kraftie is a smart guy.

I'm sorry you suffered the toxicity, Teach51, but it's good that you got out of it.

@magz, good do-it-yourself tip; thanks. It reminds me a touch of EMDR (desensitization), but there is a whole bunch of stuff I need to "disenchant", so DIY will be useful. Make good associations...

The stress may be due to how medicine is currently practiced.

Imagine if the tests could all be done remotely, without having to leave the comfort of your home.

Thank you cube and sharon for taking the time to think this over with me. Personally I think that the hypersensitivity I have from ADD exacerbated my trauma. It aso was the catalyst for more abuse due to poor academic performance and being "spaced out." On the other hand, as sharon mentioned the "chicken and the egg," the trauma was more easily dealt with by detaching and spacing out in my own head. I still go into "shut down" mode initially in stressful situations. It's a life saver. I said to my therapist today that I know that I am configured differently to NT's and that's okay. I am not ASD but I do mask and I am progressively reducing my attempts to feign attachment and try and be my authentic self. I also told my therapist just now that I feel such an affinity to people on the spectrum because I share some of the challenges though I do have excellent social skills when I make an effort. I discovered that I have feelings for all humanity but no-one deeply on an individual basis, does that resonate with anyone? Lack of attachment I suspect. I do feel great affection for people though I don't miss them if I don't see them.

Forgot to say that my therapist does not consider my lover abusive or toxic at all. What happened was that when we were texting he got annoyed with me and told me to s.d off. This had never happened previously, he has never been intentionally verbally abusive and never physically either. Now s.d off was something my father frequently said to my mother and it immediately triggered a violent response in me. That was when I told him s.d off back and blocked him. My therapist explained to me that friends, lovers, family, people in general often lose their tempers, argue and then continue to make up or laugh it off. It happens and it's not necessarily abuse and from what he has heard about my lover not likely to be, probably just a short temper . People also say these things playfully to each other though I never would. Just part of human interaction. From a place of not responding to abuse I now am "trigger happy" so to speak. If one of my friends tells another to f..k off I get upset, and stay upset well after they have forgotten all about it. I am confused to say the least.