Rules of Attraction for Aspie Women

Page 2 of 3 [ 38 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3 Next

Previous topic | Next topic

zee
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 1,292
Location: on a cloud

02 Feb 2008, 2:40 am

darkness2004 wrote:

Hey y'all. I'm currently trying my luck with an HFA girl up in Austin and things seem to be fine between us, except that her grandmother died and since they were close, things have really slowed down between us. Since she's out of town, I was hoping to get her number soon, but she doesn't feel like talking since she's dealing with so much grief. For someone who wants a such a deep and intense connection with someone such as I, it has been very hard not being able to see or hear her, but every time I ask her about how she feels for me, she says that she's interested and that the distance that she has placed between us is due to her loss and nothing else. So I'm not too worried about my relationship with her. I just started talking to her online for at least a month now, BTW.

So while I'm waiting for her to open her heart to me (so I can then promptly snatch it

), I was wondering if there are any aspects of dating or attraction that really turn on or turn off Autistic women specifically. I've just realized that I have been romancing NTs so much, that there might be a completely different set of rules or things that either attract or disgust Autistic women that I may or may nor be aware of. What I'm saying is that, I really don't want to screw this up since she's such a nice and beautiful Autie, and if there are any pitfalls that await me on this path that I'm on, I'd like to know about them way ahead of time so that I can avoid them.

So ladies, if you would all so kindly help me, can you give me any pointers or words of advice on this matter?

My advice is to be yourself. You can't trick someone into liking you, and if you change your behaviour, it will only backfire in the long run. The only way to really win her favour is to find out what kind of person she is (ie her interests, her likes/dislikes, etc) and play on those. The fact that she's Aspie doesn't mean she has a certain type of personality.

Other than that, I can only speak from my own personal view, which I don't expect other AS women to agree with. The one AS-specific thing that turns me off a guy are sensory stimuli. If he has a lot of twitchy, nervous movements, if he smells strongly, if chews gum with his mouth open or makes other annoying noises, if he is too touchy-feely, etc.

sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

02 Feb 2008, 3:21 am

I certainly know about not being able to read people very well! And I know all about someone being guarded as to protect a tender heart!
you sound like you could be a good boyfriend, Darkness, already thinking about Valentine's Day. you sound like the kind of man that would look forward to the joy you can bring when you give someone you like very much some lovely surprise. Hang in there, and send her your friendly upbeat messages of respectful regard. Even if nothing comes of it, you will have done the right thing and gotten a lot of experience in being a stand up guy.
hey, that should be on the top of the list, A Woman, Aspie or not, wants a Stand Up guy!

Merle

darkness2004
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 15 Jun 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 193
Location: Austin, TX

02 Feb 2008, 6:40 pm

sinsboldly wrote:

Yeah, I've always made sure to spoil my closest friends and I know how important V-day is to the ladies. I'm just real connected like that. I know the pleasure in giving and have a innate need to act and help my woman when she's going though a rough time.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. That was kind of what I meant to ask for when creating this thread, because this isn't a science and I don't expect to come away with absolute facts about what makes an AS/HFA woman tick. The only way practically to learn anything about people is by observation and surveying, like I'm doing here, in hopes of seeing a pattern emerge . Your input and advice has been very helpful, so please keep them coming.

darkness2004
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 15 Jun 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 193
Location: Austin, TX

07 Feb 2008, 7:05 pm

She met a new guy at work and now only likes me as a friend. Once again, I'm feeling really great about myself.

Last edited by darkness2004 on 08 Feb 2008, 1:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

07 Feb 2008, 11:52 pm

we women creep out easily,

sorry.

Merle

darkness2004
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 15 Jun 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 193
Location: Austin, TX

08 Feb 2008, 1:18 am

Well what was I supossed to do? Tell that I don't care and to take her greif elsewhere? I don't understand. Women say they want to be loved and feel secure and I thought that sticking by her during this time of need would prove both to her. Sometimes I just don't understand women. I'm generous, sensitive to their feelings, loyal, have goals in life, and very loving. Yet I'm always the one that's pushed aside.

gwenevyn
l'esprit de l'escalier

Joined: 6 May 2007
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,443

08 Feb 2008, 2:28 am

I'm sorry this happened, Dark.

darkness2004 wrote:

I can only tell you how I work. Of course I was always looking out for a man who was considerate, sensitive, loyal, and loving. But my attraction to a particular individual has always been made or broken on other factors. Those nice qualities you mention are required, but they are not the whole story. They are also subjectively rated. What I consider super nice might strike another woman as overbearing, for instance.

I think sometimes men make the mistake of thinking they can win a girl's heart with gifts and many considerate gestures, when really (imo) those are things best reserved for the woman you already won.

Don't stop being nice. I just think you'll end up attracting the right girl with your other, unique qualities.

_________________
The machine does not isolate man from the great problems of nature but plunges him more deeply into them. -Antoine de Saint Exupéry

darkness2004
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 15 Jun 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 193
Location: Austin, TX

08 Feb 2008, 2:37 am

gwenevyn wrote:

I think sometimes men make the mistake of thinking they can win a girl's heart with gifts and many considerate gestures, when really (imo) those are things best reserved for the woman you already won.

Don't stop being nice. I just think you'll end up attracting the right girl with your other, unique qualities.

Thanks Gwenevyn. Well how am I supposed to act exactly to a woman that I am attracted to? I need a set of rules, of what to do and what not to do, what to say and what not to say. Something like that, because being AS, I can't deduce these things by myself naturally. I need a gameplay, or a blueprint to follow. What I think I know about attraction clearly isn’t right.

juliekitty
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Jun 2006
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,540

08 Feb 2008, 2:43 am

Ask her to go somewhere and do something with you. If she says yes, she likes you.

gwenevyn
l'esprit de l'escalier

Joined: 6 May 2007
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,443

08 Feb 2008, 2:45 am

darkness2004 wrote:

gwenevyn wrote:

I don't know much about what it's like to be on the other side of things... to be the guy, I mean. I don't know much about standard social circles either. The guys I've dated, I've met on the net, school, role playing groups, stuff like that. They didn't do anything special to get my attention. It was just always a matter of serendipity--just being in the right place at the right time. They were available and attentive to me, but equally attentive and nice guys did not get my attention because I was not attracted.

I guess the bottom line is, like others have said, it's a numbers game. You might have to be nice to a lot of girls before you find the right sort of girl in the right time, who will be enchanted with everything you are, naturally. I wish it were as simple as "follow these rules in this order and get a girlfriend" but much of it is out of the guy's hands... at least in the social circles I've been in. I think the rules of engagement are a lot different for people who are interested in large group activities like dancing, clubbing, etc.

Anyhow, I don't know how helpful that is, but you definitely have my sympathy because I think it's hard to be a guy in this context.

_________________
The machine does not isolate man from the great problems of nature but plunges him more deeply into them. -Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Pugly
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Jan 2005
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,174
Location: Wisconsin

08 Feb 2008, 2:46 am

darkness2004 wrote:

gwenevyn wrote:

It sure is frustrating. It's a paradox of sorts, to me at least. Attraction brings all these other feelings, that'll push you away from her. But if there was no attraction I wouldn't even try to be with a girl.

I don't think girls can even give you a proper answer. Just keep going out there, and trying other ways of communicating. It may not even be your fault that these relationships don't work. Don't beat yourself up too much.

An idea I have is that while you could be a nice boyfriend or whatever, you aren't fulfilling everything that this girl has dreamed a boyfriend to be. So while she wants to grow closer, she is in a way holding out for something more... maybe.... just an idea I had... other people can say if this rings true or not.

_________________
Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.

darkness2004
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 15 Jun 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 193
Location: Austin, TX

08 Feb 2008, 2:47 am

I do and they always say no or give an excuse. Ah, just forget it. I don't have the heart for this anymore. My brain just isn't built to comprehend the significance of "the game." I just want to find someone without the BS, but it comes with the territory. I'm shutting myself away again.

Last edited by darkness2004 on 08 Feb 2008, 2:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

gwenevyn
l'esprit de l'escalier

Joined: 6 May 2007
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,443

08 Feb 2008, 2:49 am

darkness2004 wrote:

I do and they always say no or give an excuse. Ah, just forget it. I don't have the heart for this anymore. My brain just isn't built to comprehend the significance of "the game." I just want to find without the BS, but it comes with the territory. I'm shutting myself away again.

Taking a break from trying is often the best thing a person can do.

_________________
The machine does not isolate man from the great problems of nature but plunges him more deeply into them. -Antoine de Saint Exupéry

darkness2004
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 15 Jun 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 193
Location: Austin, TX

08 Feb 2008, 2:55 am

gwenevyn wrote:

darkness2004 wrote:

I do and they always say no or give an excuse. Ah, just forget it. I don't have the heart for this anymore. My brain just isn't built to comprehend the significance of "the game." I just want to find without the BS, but it comes with the territory. I'm shutting myself away again.

Taking a break from trying is often the best thing a person can do.

Perhaps, but I took a long break after my freshman year of HS. Only recently have I been trying again, because I figured things would be eaiser when I was an adult, and girls would a little more mature and accepting of someone like me who's different, but a damn thing hasn't changed since then. Why would anything change in a couple months or a couple years from now?

Sorry. I'm just feeling cynical as hell right now.

gwenevyn
l'esprit de l'escalier

Joined: 6 May 2007
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,443

08 Feb 2008, 3:04 am

darkness2004 wrote:

Sorry. I'm just feeling cynical as hell right now.

Well, I am pretty cheerful at the moment, so hopefully I won't make you gag. :wink:

I understand cynicism all too well though. Right now I am in a great relationship but I am so used to things being sucky, I'm honestly afraid that good things aren't meant to be mine... like probably an anvil will drop out of the sky now just because I am happy. >_<

I really, truly believe that there are many girls who are looking for guys who are outside the norm. It's just too bad they don't wear signs on their foreheads or something.

_________________
The machine does not isolate man from the great problems of nature but plunges him more deeply into them. -Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Pugly
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Jan 2005
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,174
Location: Wisconsin

08 Feb 2008, 3:04 am

gwenevyn wrote:

darkness2004 wrote:

I do and they always say no or give an excuse. Ah, just forget it. I don't have the heart for this anymore. My brain just isn't built to comprehend the significance of "the game." I just want to find without the BS, but it comes with the territory. I'm shutting myself away again.

Taking a break from trying is often the best thing a person can do.

Well, I don't agree with that advice. It really only works for charming ladies... :roll:

If you can fully remove that desire from your life, fine. But whenever I've played with the idea of just completely dropping out, I've become more depressed and more desperate. And then It becomes difficult for me to even talk to any women in even a professional sense. It's like I'm out of practice communicating.

And the seed of loneliness I thought I vanquished grows... so then I have to deal with the loneliness on top of not even being able to even approach any women. And down, down I go...

Keep in mind, understanding women is difficult for most Men... even NTs. Try not to get so worked up over a potential relationship, try to find the fun in starting a relationship... not to view it as work. So that even if nothing works out, you can still value the experience.

Page 2 of 3 [ 38 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3 Next

Jump to:

Rules of Attraction for Aspie Women Post Reply New Topic

Rules of Attraction for Aspie Women