Argument with girlfriend... need advice

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What bugs me is that, as far as I see it, love isn't a feeling and it doesn't have anything to do with infatuation or anything like that - it's purely a social contract and you being able to say that you have enough faith in this other person and enough altruistic care that you're willing to rough it through with em through no matter what because they're worth it. That isn't some lofty emotion, it isn't some above-the-clouds thing, and to tell the truth it can be downright mundane, boring, and tough to do because the bottom line of it really has nothing to do with anyone sweeping anyone off their feet every day.

IMO this is where society and the new breed of expectations has really clusterf'd things and as well this is why there's so many divorces these days - too many people are thinking of love as some kind of life-long ultra-infatuation high, looking for happiness in someone else, and when reality hits they just blame the person their with (rather than themselves) for that failure and jump ship. I just really hope that I meet a girl one of these days who I can click with and who has that dry, boring, and grounded view of it because I see what my friend is going through right now and as well as he's holding it down and all it really has to suck.

This is why I hate it when people like living in their own world, ducking reality, and enjoying the success that kind of false confidence rakes in with other people who just see the immediate confidence - living for an emotional high is like building a skyscraper on 10 foot deep foundations; when it falls everyone arround is gonna wince and say "Ouch! That's gotta hurt!". Better to take your pain in daily small doses to where your on-point with reality, the good the bad the ugly, to where you've toughened enough not to feel it that much. That kind of stability IMO is true freedom and I just wish more women my age arround me realized that.

You misunderstood the intent of those statements. I should have prefaced them with, "tell her anything she wants to hear... here are some suggestions..." For god's sake do be a whole person on your own. codependency is not a good thing.



Screaming like that sounds like a reaction to being overly dependant on someone in the past and being hurt by it.

Some of the best advice I was ever given about women is, "Never take advice about women, from women."

[/quote]

What bugs me is that, as far as I see it, love isn't a feeling and it doesn't have anything to do with infatuation or anything like that - it's purely a social contract and you being able to say that you have enough faith in this other person and enough altruistic care that you're willing to rough it through with em through no matter what because they're worth it. That isn't some lofty emotion, it isn't some above-the-clouds thing, and to tell the truth it can be downright mundane, boring, and tough to do because the bottom line of it really has nothing to do with anyone sweeping anyone off their feet every day.

IMO this is where society and the new breed of expectations has really clusterf'd things and as well this is why there's so many divorces these days - too many people are thinking of love as some kind of life-long ultra-infatuation high, looking for happiness in someone else, and when reality hits they just blame the person their with (rather than themselves) for that failure and jump ship. I just really hope that I meet a girl one of these days who I can click with and who has that dry, boring, and grounded view of it because I see what my friend is going through right now and as well as he's holding it down and all it really has to suck.

This is why I hate it when people like living in their own world, ducking reality, and enjoying the success that kind of false confidence rakes in with other people who just see the immediate confidence - living for an emotional high is like building a skyscraper on 10 foot deep foundations; when it falls everyone arround is gonna wince and say "Ouch! That's gotta hurt!". Better to take your pain in daily small doses to where your on-point with reality, the good the bad the ugly, to where you've toughened enough not to feel it that much. That kind of stability IMO is true freedom and I just wish more women my age arround me realized that.[/quote]

Infatuation lasts, on average, a duration of four years at most. The "spark" will NOT last forever. Another interesting fact is that in arranged marriages people tend to become MORE attracted to each other over time. ((There's likely some lesson here about sticking with a "bad" blind date.))



That almsot reads like you meant "just placate her and shut her up." I hope I'm misreading THAT as well because that would kind of suck.



Actually, it's from seeing my mom be codependant over and over again. the fact that I've seen it happen doesn't make my advice less valid in that case; if anything, it makes it more valid. If you want to find someone to make you "complete" you'll wind up with the first person you can get, and that is more likely thanh not going to come back and bite you in the ass.

BTW, if he doesn't want to take my advice he doesn't have to, but he didn't ask for only male advice. If he had, I would not have said anything.

How true.

Like I said, life isn't simple; only fairytales are. I was trying to be poetic and indeed intended not to offer any advice. To offer my mostly cynical view of life seemed inappropriate for this situation.



With this I couldn't agree more. It is truly delightful to see it in words.

Just read out of a few romance novels or poems and come up with something. The deeper and more meaningful sounding the better, it's not rocket science. Make sure the books arent too mainstream or something she is into or she might find out. Personally i think she is being a bit silly. What is wrong with just wanting to be with someone because you enjoy they're company.

If you're gonna go down that road, don't forget to give her either chocolate or some disgustingly cute stuffed toy.

That's a good idea actually but be a man and win the stuffed toy at a fair or something. It's like you've hunted it down for her. Believe me, that is bound to bring to bring you results.

If someone said those to me I'd kick their arse.

But, then again, I'm rather emotionless when it comes to accepting affection from men.

Then again, again, If you used "I am mad" as a response to "Why do you love me", just about anyone would kick your arse.

The Romantic Relationships forum should be renamed the Circus of Cynicism.

In a room full of jaded angst-ridden aspies it isn't much of a surprise is it.

Romantic relationships smell, that's why.

It should be re-named: Unessicary problems.

They wouldn't be so bad if we could find like-minded people, trouble is we can't even pull that off here most of the time .

Damn! this place has got real busy sense the last time we looked.

Yo, Aaron.....

You must be getting tired of advice by now, but reading over all that You have got so far; the best is from *Serissa*. She is a good head.

if You are up for some more, i can give You a few thoughts. i have been in-love with both men and women, and in long term relationships with both too. some good, many not. but i did learn from each and every one of them.

the first time i fell in-love, and was spurned; i thought my heart would never heal. that feeling of happiness and then the pure pain of loss; well it was all just too much. but i in, time i found it anew. and it was just as strong and intoxicating. but in time that passed too, it just lasted way longer that time. and again i thought that it would never happen again; could never happen again. but it did, and i fell again......

when i was young, i couldn't express myself; nor did i have the words to put to what i felt. as i grew older and gained experience, i learned both, new words, and new ways, to express myself. i also learned to see myself as other's saw me; a job that i might add, is never done. and too, i learned that as hard as i tried, the world and the people in it were not mine to fix or save. *i* was the only person who i could really help. and by helping others, i was really helping myself most of all.

today, i know that when i find the sort of Dominant Male that i like; His very nature often prevents Him from expressing HimSelf as well as another person might. that is the nature of the Alpha Males i have known.

and too, when i find a woman who i get along with well; she is often times better at communication than am i. the point is that i must be different, for different people, and so must they. i don't think that most people learn that. but then i don't think that most people are as committed to others as i am or can be. but i always try and keep my boundaries. that way i will not lose myself to someone who can't or won't do the same with me in a responsible way.

there is one other little piece of advice;
in all my years, i have never seen a long-lived happy relationship that didn't have one *Leader*, and one or more *follower's*. two people can't take the lead.

always be open to possibilities, and keep doing what your doing. many people will come your way in life if you keep your mind, and your eyes open....

as for me;
i couldn't really tell you which i liked best. Dominant Men, or girls my own emotional age. i make the best of both..... i have even known Dominant Women a few times too!

life is a *Learning Moment*; and each moment has something new to teach us.....

5er.....

Let's put that up in Bug Reports and Suggestions!! !

Nah that would still suck.

Don't let the modern superficiality-driven society dictate what love is. It's idea of love...like Techstep said... is a never ending and relentless search for thrill and happiness that rarely ever grows into anything more. It is an illusion, made to look perfect by the wonders of television and other media. So many in the world are constantly striving to be happy, happy, happy and more happy. They want the good times, the money, the perfect this, the perfect that. They think or are conditioned to believe that being sad, lonely, angry or confused is not proper. They hide from all emotion except one and then the mess of bottling up those hidden emotions eventually boils to the surface.

Love is so much more than this. It is difficult, it is easy, it is happy, sad, it is everything but above and beyong, it is a deep respect and commitment. It's not something you bring out to play with on a sunny day only to put in the closet when it's raining and cold. Love endures pain and sadness. Love is lasting and ever changing. Words are so cheap sometimes.

Aaron, explain to this girl that people have to accept a variety of emotion. It's not always going to be easy to do but it is the most rewarding way to live. If you can't put it in words, then start out by telling her that you can't. Words are so simple sometimes and it's hard to describe some feelings with them.