How to detect Narcissists (common partner for AS/Asperger's)

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While I don't think I've dealt with many narcisists, I have had experience people pulling some of these sorts of things. Most people tend not to try and 'break my boundries'. But then, it might be that they understand that they are so strong that they just don't try.

Hopefully, I won't have to put up with too many people like this. And if I do, hopefully I can make them feel horrible.

Good post... I have had relationships with people like this, and observed them in relationships with my friends. I have thought of them as "vampires" for quite some time.

I was thinking of that that as I read. Then I got to this:

Ns are actually pretty simple creatures...not the mysterious demons of the night

If you believe that you are too smart, that your boundaries are too strong, and that no one can get to you because of your strong boundaries, well that in itself is a weakness because you might be overestimating your own ability to protect yourself from these weirdos. If you go out into the world believing that you have these inviolable boundaries you might just be leaving yourself vulnerable because you overestimate your ability, and think that you can never be abused due to your strong boundaries. That is the blind spot. That is, more or less, what happened in my case. Because of my perceptual difficulties (which I did not know I had at that time) I overestimated my ability to protect myself, and underestimated the level of manipulation and dishonesty that the N slash NT was capable of inflicting.

After my experience with the N, I came to realize that there was something wrong with my perceptive abilities. I came to realize that even though I have high intelligence, and that in most cases I am not a pushover, something went wrong with my perceptive abilities that made me vulnerable. Thus began my journey to discover that I had AS. It was really a fluke that I met someone else with AS at that time, and eventually got diagnosed as an aspie.

I now know that I am vulnerable to this sort of abuse, not so much because I lack personal boundaries, but rather, because my brain has a blind spot. If there were hints that this person was abusive and exploitive, I did not pick up on those hints. The reason I did not pick up on what the N was doing is because of how my brain functions. Ive got scads of brain cells working at high capacity to do certain things, but I now know that picking out Ns and other exploiters isnt one of my brains strong abilities, and that there are areas to which I am blind.

I can protect myself now because I have the self awareness to know that I am a bit slow to perceive when someone is showing N behaviors, and that I have to include that knowledge about myself in my interactions. I have to be aware that I have difficulty perceiving certain behaviors. When someone offers me friendship or a business deal, or any kind of interaction, I have to remember that I am vulnerable. That self awareness may limit some of the things I would like to do and make me more reclusive, but my hope is that it will keep me and my family from harm.

I am sure that it is possible to learn stronger boundaries so that if and when I go out in the world I know how to react to such abuse. But frankly, I think I have as much chance of becoming really good at it, and therefore invulnerable to such abuse, as I do to passing a university algebra course with my math based LD.

The fact that I now know my vulnerabilities puts me in a much stronger place than would any belief that I can overcome my deficit by learning how to be inviolable.

For the record, I don't think that I'm invulnerable as it where.
Just that their are easier targets.

What does one have to do to get this topic stuck??

I've had to deal with Narcisists thrughout my life. the fist girl I had a crush on was an N. Several bosses i've had were N's and it's important to recognise and deal with them!

I think their tendency to push you past your boundaries - even ones that mean a lot to you - usually fairly quickly and after you have said No or protested about it verbally - is a KEY sign.

There is a saying, "Anyone who keeps going after you said No is trying to control you".

Until you can get to know them better, back off from such a person, because that need for control may not be OCD or something else fairly benign. It may indicate a total lack of respect for you as a human being, in other words, it could mean the other person is a narcissist. For a narcissist your feelings literally do not exist. You are only there to serve them. So if you give up your values or boundaries, they will not be thankful or grateful for your sacrificial gesture. They will push you farther and farther, (it may be subtle at times) until you have nothing left, either financially, or morally or some other way that is vital to you.

You will be left with nothing and once that happens, they will simply move onto the next victim. They are like vampies but usually you have to 'invite them in' - just like the vampire myth. In this case inviting them in means letting them trample your boundaries or values and walk right past your comfort zone for their own whim. Keep saying No and mean it. Narcissists hate no and they will move to an easier target.

Believe me you will have lost nothing other than some very short lived 'fun times' and a LOT of grief and misery.

That's great advice Popsicle.

I've only met the "true" creature once, and that as stated above was quite damaging. I totally agree with your analogy of Narcissists as vampires. A lot of people are vampie, but Ns are the real thing.

I also read somewhere that Narcissists often have this peculiar behavior where they will often describe themselves as having a rare illness or some other rare physical problem that they use to get sympathy and unwarranted respect. I believe the act helps them to con vulnerable people. The reason their pseudo-symptoms are depicted by them as being medically rare is because the N will always try to depict him or herself as special in some way.

It's hard for me to comprehend what goes on in a person's mind who will actually target people to try to destroy and steal or appropriate anything of value in that person's life. But that is what they do. In my case, for example, and this is a very overt example, one of the things that happened was that my very healthy pet mysteriously died during the night. I am damn sure he killed it.

It's been years, and I've moved on now, I am not his "victim" any more. But to this day there are still problems that I have to deal with from the damage.

I think it is important for aspies to have resources such as therapuetic training programs that can assist us to learn any deficits we might have in identifying people who are exploitive, especially with regard to the Ns. I agree it is important to have a sticky thread on Ns because many aspies are the exact type of person those Ns find so vulnerable.

this could be something I've been looking for....very profound, a lot of things are clicking...

a big part of the Aspies social problems could be that others might mistake them for narcissists ! the seeming lack of empathy, seeming coldness, seeming disregaurd for others??? How awful, compounded by the way that social networks talk.

and aspies who get away from an N are going to be backstabbed and projected on to even more...(word play: projected vomit ).

there is some sort of vicious circle here too if the narcissists, as you say, project onto the Aspies. someone may look at the couple and if they do not know them well, may think the aspie is the N and vice versa. the aspies poor social skills exaserbate this,,,easy prey.

also aspies who have fallen victim to Ns may develop more dislike for people in general since thier social circle is small to begin with, thinking that this is how most people are?

and aspies who have extended 'relationships' with Ns (a parent) may develop some personality traits of the N which again, make others mistake the aspie for the N.


Big expression of Gratitude to Chain!
Hear Here!

whoa! : (

the post that just got pulled made it clear that what one may think is narcassistic behavior is really tiny compared to what is possible in human beings (or animals in general).

there is a gradient of severity...

I very recently realised my ex's narcissistic tendencies, more so than the average person thats for sure.

I told her exactly why I had to disappear, and what I thought was paranoia (her telling me I've been sleeping with all these people) turns out to be another method to try and hurt me, every person I've spoke to thats been in contact with her things I'm violent and abusive, and a liar and cheater, which is absolutely shocking to me knowing how sensitive I am and knowing I did nothing but love her.

Yes I got angry a few times and said and did things I didn't mean, but I could never maliciously plan and coldly calculate ways to lull someone in just to hurt them.

I believe narcissists are on the borderline, not like AS where the EXPRESSION of feelings is misunderstood, they can't actually FEEL inside, so the only way to feel an attachment to someone is to find a way to break what they feel the most, to hurt the spirit.

She knows I live and breath music, so she purposefully ignored a track I sent specifically to her, look I'm not saying she must listen, but in the past she would avidly listen, then the closer we got, the more actively she would hate that music drove me, I hate to sound egotistical, but its pretty obvious she wanted to crush my spirit because she had no passionate drive of her own.

I'm really not trying to whinge or b***h, or say I wasn't in the wrong, I'm just saying if you open up what matters to you to someone, and they use that as a tool to hurt you, you can not hang around, there is no need to sever but NEVER waste time fighting to change someone if they don't want to change, if someone continues to hurt you and seems not to see or care about your pain, they have got to go!

A little of topic but my partner has BPD and I was woundering If you's have any advise on the matter the stuff about personal bounderys wrang true to me so how do you think I should deal with this matter before our relationship implodes?