Is looking for autistic women a realistic option?

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Autistic women don't face all the challenges autistic men face when dating? Maybe not the same challenges, but women are supposed to be cute, flirty, intuitive, funny (but not so funny that they upstage the guy) and should not have hobbies or interests that make men feel like they might get upstaged. Do you think all of this is easy for autistic women?

If anyone now thinks that this is not true or too generalized, that is how I feel about comments about how women have it easier because they don't have to do be this or that.

If you already start off thinking women have it easier and it's unfair, you're less likely to attract women, whether they're on the spectrum or not.

"If you already start off thinking women have it easier and it's unfair, you're less likely to attract women, whether they're on the spectrum or not."

So the solution is to go to the other extreme and say that we live in a fair world where everyone has exactly the same opportunities? Sorry, that's called "lying." Acknowledging that we don't treat people the same and that we don't hold everyone to exactly the same standards doesn't equal burying one's head in the sand. It means sitting down and addressing the social difficulties so that men on the Spectrum have more access to relationships and even employment.

Nobody here is saying that women on the Spectrum don't have issues. What we are saying is that the issues that women on the Spectrum face tend to be different than those that man on the Spectrum face.

Men and women each have their own difficulties when it comes to dating. For instance, the majority of guys typically have an abundance issue. Getting laid is harder, finding a relationships takes more effort, men are expected to be the pursuers and initiators, and finding a willing partner on online dating is very difficult for many guys.


For most women, getting laid and finding willing men is no problem. For women, their primary issue is safety. They're (typically) smaller and weaker than men and as a result, have to be more cautious, especially when traveling alone. In addition, many women have to deal with stalking, assault, or men that won't take no for an answer.

Indeed it's a safety issue, but you mention something about stalking and the inability to take "no" for an answer. Unfortunately, many men on the Spectrum because of social difficulties and low status are more vulnerable to accusations of stalking, whether true or not.

OP first needs to figure out what he brings to the table, and then set realistic standards and expectations.


First, I would say that OP needs to figure out where he stands on the 1-10 attractiveness scale. Even though many would say otherwise, physical attractiveness is indeed highly objective and many people will agree on who is considered attractive and not. The reason this is important is because the better looking you are, the more romantic and sexual opportunities you will naturally have. And generally speaking, we tend to pair with our looksmatch which is someone who is around the same attractive level as us. So if you're a 5/10, you'd have the most success with women in the 4-6 range.

There are exceptions where average or even ugly men can date beautiful women. However, these men typically have either above average social intelligence, lots of charisma, or lots of status and wealth. Steve Harvey and Jack Black are good examples; both are below average looking, but with above average charisma and social intelligence which allowed them to excel as comedians. I have no doubt in my mind that both of these men would have little difficulty with women, even if they weren't famous because of their personality attributes. The problem is that OP doesn't appear to possess any of these traits. He is (by his own words) socially inept and socially awkward, so it will be hard for him to shoot for someone out of his attractiveness league, if not impossible.

there are some of us aspie men who cannot rate anybody. they see us and decide if we're all they can get they might as well hang it up and stay home with the cats.

I would say that the top worry for many women (autistic or otherwise) is physical safety -- making sure we're not with someone who is going to get physically violent with us. (This can be a danger for men too, but men tend not to worry about it because most men are physically stronger than most women.) This can be a bigger worry for autistic women than NT women, insofar as we may have greater difficulty reading body language and other signs of potential abusiveness.

As for the gendered expectations you mentioned above, I would say that we're better off disregarding some of them.

In particular, "... should not have hobbies or interests that make men feel like they might get upstaged." I have always felt that I wanted nothing to do with a man who was insecure enough and petty enough to worry about such a thing.

And I have always wanted partners (of either sex; I'm bi) with whom I had hobbies/interests in common -- as well as other commonalities, such as sufficiently compatible ethical values, general worldview, etc. Moreover, I've always wanted partners who not only had various things in common with me, but who, also like me, strongly valued those commonalities.

I believe that my insistence on various commonalities, together with my refusal to kowtow to what are popularly said to be common male insecurities, has helped to protect me from abusive partners. Judging by what I've read about the psychology of abusive partners, they are likely NOT to value common interests but are likely to prefer, during courtship, conversations that revolve mostly around a lot of mutual flattery.

To many people, that kind of conversation is "romantic." To me, too much flattery is a red flag. It has always annoyed me that, for many people, the main purpose of conversation is "either to butter someone up or to tear someone down" (as I remember noticing when I was little).

I've always preferred intellectually stimulating conversation about common interests, and I've always wanted partners who enjoyed intellectual stimulating conversations too.

I did not mean to imply women have it easier than men. But specifically in the area of attracting the attention of potential mates, men are more commonly required to demonstrate extroversion and social intelligence to attract women while women can be quiet and awkward and men will still approach them. But like others have explained, autistic women struggle with other aspects of dating.

I agree with everything Mona said. But she already said it better than I can so there no point to repeating it.

Well I think that OP's problem is that he doesn't have much confidence really, but women like confidence and find it attractive. So even if you feel you do not have what it takes OP, if you still go in with confidence it still shows. I have a friend who is not physically attractive as much and is also overweight, and he lives with his Mom because he is helping her with her health issues. Yet he gets women here and there, and is really confidence in himself, and has that funny and confident attitude that a lot of women seem to find attractive. So it seems that the confidence effort is still part of it for sure.

While I'm much less obviously "weird" and socially dysfunctional than I used to be, I still don't (can't) initiate conversations with strangers. In spite of this, I've had a number of long-term relationships and many briefer encounters with women. And in not even one of those cases did I make the first move--the woman always initiated things. So I have no patience with the commonly accepted belief that men "must" take the initiative. It's simply not true.

And how do expect me to just magically have confidence when I've experienced nothing but failure my entire life?! Confidence is not something I can buy a bucket of at Wal-Mart; it is built over time as a result of experiencing successes.

My friend who has known me for over 17 years has confirmed to me that I did have confidence when we met, but it slowly eroded over time as I faced rejection after rejection. The effect cannot be its own cause.

I highly suspect that this friend of yours is NT.



If I remember correctly, I believe you live in a very different culture where simply being a Westerner puts you in high demand.

Confidence has to come from "within you," ultimately.

I used to rely solely on other people to give me confidence. I still have a reliance on other people's feedback, to a certain extent.

Ultimately, though, you have to KNOW you're a viable person within yourself---without relying on the supposed inevitability of confirmation of your worth from other people.

I lived in my own country for most of my life. My words apply to that time as well.

And "simply being a Westerner puts you in high demand" here only with a small minority of rather shallow women. Certainly not my partner.

I think this varies by locale.

What country to you live in? And, if you live in a large country, what state/province/region and/or nearest major metro area?

I've lived or spent significant time in Houston, New York City, Paris, Berlin, Tokyo and Taipei. My statements on meeting women fully apply to all of these places. They are less applicable to my early years in the "Bible Belt." But I've consistently advised dorkseid to get out of that desolate region and move to a major city where people are more open-minded and accepting of differences.

You've been pretty darn lucky, Donkey!

I've ALWAYS had to make the first move. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed----and I'm short and chubby, besides....