When potential girlfriend asks me about ex-s

Post Reply New Topic

Yup I understand that..

I guess I'm lucky, the girls I was with when I was very inexperienced actually enjoyed teaching me and showing me what to do.

I was a 20 year old that lost virginity at 14, but I was terrified in bed every single time still, which seemed to turn this particular girl wild!

If they are understanding and truly care, a potental lover should not hold it against you that you don't have any ex's or lack dating experience. Society puts huge demands on people to date a lot, and sometimes these demands are unrealistic.

My advice would be: it it comes up, it comes up. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

Tim

Here's something that can take the edge off your worries: Women want a man who is somewhat of a mystery. If you spell everything out about yourself right away, then there isn't really anywhere to go with the relationship. But if you spoon out your background in bite sized chunks, then she can savor them and still be hungry for more. Having some mystery as to just who you are and how you got that way adds to your attractiveness. You need to tell her, but just slowly. The most sensitive stuff should be saved for later in the relationship when you have developed some trust.

One thing I will say though is do tell her she is your first before you sleep with her. Sex with a virgin is something so rare and important that it shouldn't be hurried through or treated casually. Both people should know, so that the event can be done in a way that respects the transition.

So maybe tell her the second or third time you see her, once you feel some real confidence that she is really into you.

Another thing to note: You don't have to answer all questions that people ask you, and if you answer you don't have to answer completely. I really identify with the original poster of feeling like if I shared a little then I had to share everything. I used to really feel like I had to share every little flaw I had or else I would feel bad for hiding it.

I think that attitude comes from the literal, honest inclination that most of us Aspies have.

But most people actually don't expect that. Heck if you look at a politician speaking they never answer the questions asked; they just use the questions as jumping off points to say what they want to say. Yes it's annoying but people still vote for them and consider them honorable. For a while there George Bush was even very well respected for not being responsive and for not answering his critics.

There's a middle ground between the Aspie "I have to tell a woman about my dandruff problem before I ask her out" approach and the politician's "Tell them what they want to hear" approach. Finding that middle ground is the challenge.

There is a reason we want to know about ex's... your past relationships are a part of your socialization. If we know where you have been in your past, we can better predict your needs in the future. It is NOT a judgmet of your past that we are really interested in making but rather an assessment of a future relationship's maintenance costs. If you were hurt or misunderstood we learn not to make those same mistakes by asking for details on the matter. We want to know how you were treated and how you responded to that. That's really it. It's information we can use to avoid making similar mistakes. Can't a girl employ a little logic in pursuing a relationship? if she asks, more than likely she is leaning positively toward you and wants to take things further. Open honesty is a good thing to respond with when we do ask. Just don't say something like you really still are secretly in love with her but you know you don't stand a chance anymore so you are opening yourself to other possibilities. Also, I have found that Aspies can honestly say most of the problems can be traced to a basic incompatibility due to the condition because it requires a certain level of "understanding" or "empathy" (implying your ex didn't have something the new girl might have in spades).

I understand what you are saying that intention might girl's intention might actually be avoiding the mistakes other girls were making, as opposed to judging me. But I guess there are few thinks I can comment on:

1)Regardless of her intention, how does she know I can't change? I can't change the past, but I can certainly change a future. For instance, may be I have learned my lesson. ANd if I did, it means she is free to act the way my ex-s were acting and it will be okay since I changed

2)Even though the ORIGINAL intention might indeed be not to repeat the mistakes of previous girls, oftentimes she comes to conclusion that it is "too much to handle". So, ironically, she feels that I need some kind of special treatment and since she isn't able to provide it, she gives up on a whole thing. But the point is that i dno't need any special treatment, I never asked for it on the first place

3)If they want to know how to act in a way that would work best FOR ME, then why not simply ASK ME? If they feel that they have to find it out indirrectly by asking me about my ex-s, this seem to suggest that they believe I lack self-awareness, so that they would have better idea of what my needs are than I do myself.

4)Suppose there are answers to all three things I mentioned. The question htat remains is what am I supposed to do? I can't chage the past, can I?

I call bull!

There was a thread I started on how I get no feelings from sex and that was true even my first time. Yes the overall experience was nice like a good meal, but... meh. Unlike what seems like everyone else's first times the following was true of mine: 1.) I was not nervous, 2.) I didn't finish in less than one minute, and 3.) I didn't suddenly feel eternally bonded to... what's-her-name.

Maybe sex with a virgin female is different. I don't know, I've never been a woman before; but I suspect one who's honest will say something similar. But as for the guys here, it's not rare and it's not important, it just is. There is no transition, there is no magickal barrier that's being crossed.

Of course for a "normal" person maybe the sterotypes apply. But for someone with an ASD? Nah.

Okay as far as I am concerned I don't believe in sex before marriage for religious reasons. So my deal is

1)I had 5 girlfriends
2)I didn't have sex with any of them (although 2 of them pushed for it but I refused)
3)I am not planning on having sex either
4)I am looking for long term relationship, with possibility of marriage
5)My dillema is whether or not to admit I had long term relatinships in the past, or to lie that this is going to be my first one

The thing is, if she finds out before she becomes understanding and truly caring with you in particular (and not just in general, i.e. a disposition towards the theoretical Other), then your battleship might very well be sunk.

It'll be just fine after she decides you're Mr. Wonderful. If it comes up before that point, it could tragically preempt her from finding out that you are indeed Mr. Wonderful, despite your quirks and lack of experience.

Edited to add: I'm 28 years old. It might be a different story if you're in your very early twenties or late teens.

Women also want to make sure the man is not a creep, a psycho, a pitifully stunted Freudian case study of a man-child, a needy passive-aggressive wuss, a bum, a lame, a weakling, or a bastard.

Being 28 years old and having never dated could very well set off alarm bells if that fact becomes apparent too early in the courtship process.

It's almost as bad as admitting you were in prison, or that you're a registered sex offender because you dated a sixteen year old and got reported on by her dad (after the six month relationship came to a nasty end).

That is exactly what I wanted to ask women for so long. The question is WHY aren't they testing their assumptoins by giving someone more and more chances JUST IN CASE it might turn out that he is mr. Wonderful? WHY are they not afraid that htey might have MISSED mr. Wonderful due to their insistance on making quick decisions and sticking to them?

Because that's a logical Martian approach and women don't choose based on logic, they choose based on Venusian emotional connection.

Also lets face it they can afford to be a heck of a lot choosier than AS guys can

On a more serious note, I think from an evolutionary point of view their instinct is to find the least flawed person to mate with to keep the gene pool as clean as possible.