No sex after great sex?

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It has been a whole and refusing to explain, no-pressure way won't work, there's a time when you need to do some clash.

Nick, how can I ask in different ways? It's hard for me to think like that, because if I want to know something, the only way I have to ask is be as direct as possible. Because that's what people have to do with me either. I can understand your train of thought but I don't think I can come up with ideas. Maybe a NT friend would know?

Yeah I also agree that he might be (subconsciously) testing me, to see if I will leave or not. I've never really had gut feelings much, especially with men, but with this guy it's different. Maybe because he is an Aspie too, and it takes one to know one?

Stalk, I don't think someone who loses interest, doesn't let you go if they can. I tried not being responsive with him for a week, he wrote emails and I just answered politely and gave no feedback, which is totally out of character for me. He made the effort of asking me questions, just to keep the flow. He sent me a card by post without being prompted (he NEVER does stuff like that) and as aforementioned he said he likes that I like him, when in the past he said he didnt want me to like him.

Im not defending him, or putting on my rose tinted glasses. I'm looking at tangible actions. Both negative and positive.

Boo is right. I went for so long without pressuring, and the only times some sort of significant information was released, was when I pushed him (unintentionally though, because I have a short fuse )

Update:

He's asked me again today if I will go there. He's travelling start of February (business) and said is really busy with a project to come here. Didnt say he wouldn't, but that it was difficult and then said "Can you come here this time?".

It's actually an area I would love to see, never been there, and everyone says it's beautiful (by the sea which I adore).

Problems are many though. I feel horrendously anxious when I have to go somewhere for the first time and this is major for me. I don't know to where even start with buying the train ticket, as buying it on the day will be quadruple the price. But there are tons of websites and I don't know which one would give me a better deal.

And so on…

But at the same time, I feel I should push myself out of my comfort zone, as that is what my CBT therapist said 2 years ago when I had a few sessions with her ( i don't have any therapy now, still waiting).

Im also afraid I will freeze on the day and simply not go. It's happened in my past, even with trips abroad. Tickets bought, suitcase in hand and (now ex) husband totally irate and telling me I was a drama queen.

aspiesandra27: I have for a very long time.

Stalk, you have what? Not let go even if you are not interested?

If it's that, I can empathise, because I have too. However, there is a vast difference of not letting go, and encouraging it. That's lying, and if the person is doing it, then that's their problem. It has no bearing on who I am as an individual.

If someone you weren't interested in, ended things with you, and you didnt want to let go, and asked them to stay, then what is that? For me it doesn't make sense.

Im not ruling anything out. I know as humans, we are all different and that's what makes this world so interesting.

Plus I love listening to people's experiences, as I always learn so much

That's abuse.

Personally, honesty is a non negotiable. If he can't be honest, you deserve better. The relationship is built on a foundation of sand. He either tells you or you walk. That's my suggestion.

Hale-bopp, I know what you are saying, is what you feel is in my best interest.

What makes me think twice, is that I have through a large percentage of my life, been pushing people away too. Perhaps directly linked with AS, I have had a lot of unfortunate traumatic experiences, and it made me into a person who always thought she didnt want or need anyone. There was anger, isolation, and I would run a mile from anyone who cared. Sometimes even subconsciously I would hurt them so I knew if they really cared or not. When you have both your parents who are the foundations for a solid belief in unconditional love, decide you're fine on your own, even if you aren't (Im talking as a child) then you are not going to go through life thinking it's a wonderful world is it? Even for those that *do* have that, life can be very hard.

The hurt was there, but would I admit it? Hell, no. Very, very, very, few people stuck by me. Even fewer tried to understand where it was coming from. People aren't "just" like that. Everyone has a reason for their behaviour. And what kind of person would I be if I abandon one of our own?

If he doesn't want me in his life, categorically, then I would have to leave. I would tell him I would get on with mine, but I would always be here for him as a friend. Which is what I am now.

Oh, and I will *definitely* get to the bottom of this. Your answers were all wonderful, and perhaps Im not good at expressing how much each and every one meant to me, and how I now have a wider knowledge of possibilities and ways to approach him, but * *really* do thank you all.

OP, I don't know how to answer you without it sounding like a personal attack on you. Which is not my intention. In my own experience, she was willing at first when it came to sex, very accepting and so forth. Only later, she then started applying rules. Absolute rules that made no sense to me. I have read that a lot of Aspie men complain about their frustrations when it comes to sex and that it was used as a way to punish them, or at least that is how they felt. Similar to giving something to someone, only to take it away later. Ever saw how a dog get provoked when you take away his food? That is what I felt. When it came to marriage, I already lost complete interest in her (from sticking around for 2 years). Only cause everyone else said, and thought they knew better than me. Everybody said, everything will be fine after you get married. I thought, well, perhaps they are correct, since I am always in the wrong, and maybe I should just continue and see if things would change after marriage. Nope, it didn't at all. In fact I was the one that was faking it. I had no interest in her sexually at all. Yes, one can say it was depression. But I wasn't attracted to her at all and I felt disgusted towards her. I didn't want to tell her to her face, but she caught on that I never complimented her on her looks out of my own. She had to ask. I waited another 2 years, hoping that things will change, but it didn't and I ended it.

Stalk, thanks for sharing. I understand.

I'm certain I have his best interest at heart, but not 100% sure he has mine.

I need to reflect and perhaps try and put myself first for a change.

I think my problem is fearing that losing a friend will always be worse because I will be alone. I am a very lonely person. I don't ever socialise, unless you count having a full time job as socialising, but I hate it so much, that it just leaves me depleted of any strength/energy for any other areas of my life. Unfortunately I can't not work, or I won't survive. I don't have family who are here to help me, and Im very independent anyway.

It's very sad really. Being an aspie with all these sensory issues and all my past that hasn't been dealt with.

I feel really low.

not for at least 20 minutes.

How about his house??
This is 100% speculation on my part, maybe there is some fear, lack of experience, maybe unable to process the sensory things, negative ideas all contributing to much anxiety.
Yea I had major issues when I was younger.
As you may know the best sex is totally animal and totally going with it. You cannot really rationalize this.
I will ask a few questions, It is not my intention to offend.
You guys did have sex, is that true?
How old are you guys?

I will give you some of my ideas, theoretically its easier to directly transfer mental/sexual states to another aspie with little little effort in the conversion for the receiving party. So if your wound up and anxious and he is too that's where you will stay.

You want to be 100% ready 100% of the time to get down. That means your very relaxed ready to enjoy taking him bareback anytime anywhere. You dress for sex. If you visiting him in a little skirt, no panties right. You dress like a stripper. Your making out on the couch you want to start comment on good it feels to feels to take your dress off after you have taken it off. Carry a little bottle of Astroglide so if all else fails you give him a nice hand job. You make up any corny excuse, like you want do research on the nerves in a man cock, you want to see where the good ones are, the ones that give the best strongest orgasm. If he could show you where. Be creative corny and over the top. If this does not work the first time no worries. Just try again. It is sort of like two steps forward one step back. There can be considerable disconnect where natural lust is and what is said verbally. The waters may get quite choppy going through this, ignore what is said verbally and just go with lust.

From the sounds of it, it seems like your rather distressed about this whole situation. Maybe he's picking up on this (I know we aren't good at reading between the lines, but we're also not too great at being subtle, so it wouldn't surprise me if he does pick up on it) and it's stressing him out.

Have you tried stepping back from the whole problem and just, without any expectations at all, going out (or staying in) together, seeing a movie and then ending the night (if you can't stand the trip, stay at a friend's place who lives near by, or if that's not possible spend the night in separate rooms) Just be explicit in what's going to happen (e.g. have dinner & a movie and then leave).

Basically, just try to spend the time being emotionally intimate and avoid the physical stuff. Just relax and get comfortable again.


I'd also recommend both of you going to a relationship councilor, though obviously this could raise anxiety to a large degree (look for someone with experience with AS experience). It might be good to meet with them individually beforehand to get comfortable with them as well (or better yet, try to talk to them about what they think might help relax both of you into the situation, if they can't give good advice about that, then they probably don't have too much experience with AS).


Anyway, that's my 2c, I've got no real experience to back this up so take what you think feels right and dump the rest.

On reflection, this may be about you not going to see him ever, and him always having to come to you. I would be pissed too, even if I knew about the person's sensory issues. After all, if you can make it to work and work full time, you should be able to make one measly trip once in a blue moon. I think you are being too soft on yourself about this traveling business. Take some anti anxiety pills and go visit him. That is my new advice.

if he tells you to scram if you don't like his ways, that is a good indicator that you should just do that.

I would be upset too if I waas in that situation. & if my partner kept psuing for sex & asked the question about us having sex when I mention wanting her to visit my fmaily with me; I would start thinking that the relationship is one sided & that she cares more about sex than she does about trying to compromise with me. I would then have problems performing due to feeling insecure & upset wth her. I may not tell her directly about my frustation because I'd be scared of upsetting her more & that shemay leave me 1ce I bring it up but it would at least affect things with our relationship on a subconsious level. I might would get frustrated with being nagged enough for sex that I would tell her she can leave if she doesn't like it too. I'm NOT saying this is the case & I'm really not trying to attack you or anything but rather give a possible perspective from him.

Leafplant, work is a 5 minute walk from where I live, because I cannot cope with commuting or public transport. I moved here to be close to work. And moving was major stress for me. I am a woman on my own with no help from anyone. Change is hard, and moving is horrible.

I have never gone to his area because he has never invited me to, despite me asking for the past 2 years! I often said this past Summer, how much I would love to know the area. I didnt pressure. I didnt push. Summer would be better for a day trip, because it doesn't get dark at 4pm and dark for me signifies danger. I have been the victim of a crime in the past, and therefore it's not quite a clear cut case of take some pills and get on with it. Like I said, I am waiting for counselling still. But the intimacy is important too. However, intimacy is not just sex. Cuddling and feeling wanted. Staying over and coming back in the morning when it's day time and there's people commuting and not drunks getting ready for the weekend.

And he doesn't want to invite me to his place. He just wants me to go to the local pub with him for a couple of hours. I suggested staying over, if not in his home in a hotel, and we would do it as friends. No need for sex. He said he didnt want to spend a night.

Im not the one refusing him. I open the door of my home to him, and he is welcome to stay.

But I understand how initially it might have come across as me wanting sex, and him being the victim.

DoodleDoo I think you and GameDevAspie hit the nail in the head with the anxiety issue and him picking up on mine and then negative thoughts being associated with the whole thing. However, I have been patient for a year already. No expectations.But he kept giving me mixed signs. So now I have had enough. If it's friendship he wants, he cannot ever again do the whole tongue kissing and getting aroused and then saying no. If a woman did that to a guy she would be called a cockteaser. Friends don't do that to each other. Now there are boundaries. I told him I am not interested in being played, whether he did it intentionally or not.

Nick007, I know you are not attacking.

Thank you to all of you. As I said before, all opinions are worthy and I am grateful for them.