My thoughts on why you don't have a girlfriend.

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Reading the replies to my last post, I find it necessary to clarify a few things.

First, the advice I am attempting to give is just a rephrasing of what many other people have said, including people highly successful in both dating and life. I'm not just pulling this stuff out of my ass.

Second, my advice is about what women are ATTRACTED to. I wasn't attempting to make a concise statement about everything needed to make a relationship work. Obviously there is more to a relationship than what can be summarized in two sentences. All I'm trying to do is help guys out there understand what women are ATTRACTED to.

As far as attraction goes, yes, my advice is the bare minimum. Obviously just loving yourself and having some kind of social status is not going to get you any girl you want. Things like good looks and personal preference are going to play a considerable part in what kind of girls you can expect to date. However, for guys who are CLUELESS as to why girls don't seem to be attracted to them, I am trying to give them a basic understanding of what women IN GENERAL are attracted to, and what kind of life changes they need to make BEFORE they can expect to have an active dating life.

Now, let me explain the alpha male part. This is what I think makes a man attractive to a woman. It's about social status. It's about finding a like-minded group of men and establishing yourself as a valued member of the group. It doesn't mean you have to be a rockstar or a millionaire ceo. It just means you have male friends you value, who also value you. I say this because masculinity is not an internal phenomenon. It is something that is learned from other men. So, if you don't have male friends that can teach you how to be a man, you need to find some.

By the way, joining a band to get girls, or doing anything to get girls for that matter, is a TERRIBLE idea. If you want to be a part of something, do so because you're passionate about it, not because you want to achieve some end.

Now, if you choose not to follow my advice, I'm not saying you will never get a date. However, I do think that if you follow the steps outlined in my original post, you will save yourself a lot of time and energy.

Those things illustrates the male's influence, which is a demonstration of his power. Women like power, a lot. So yea, of course it will work.

I think a lot of it is that most aspies (esp males) do not venture out to take that social risk of rejection, then complain they are lonely and feel dejected or unwanted. you can not gain a relationship if you do not play the game. also I think most NT males seem to shrug off rejections fairly well, while aspie males take each rejection to heart and lets it bring them down so their less likely to try. many of us are isolationists, and as such our chances become fairly low for meeting someone new.

What if you don't like other men? Getting into a relationship isn't about how "masculine" you are. It's not about how much of an "alpha" you are. It's not even about how emotionally stable you are. There are millions of totally messed up dudes out there in relationships.


You're single because you aren't going out and trying to make friends with people in general. Sex has nothing to do with it. Make friends with your preferred gender, stop being such a doormat, and you'll eventually get a date.

Me either. This might be helpful, though:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test

Well, I don't know about you, Boo, but personally I don't go around talking about oversized male genitalia with my friends (male or female).

And isn't "hot engineer" an oxymoron?

I don't know about it being just that. The way I see it, people get too busy beating around the bush and talking about asking girls out that they end up missing the point of actually asking a girl out. So focused on an outcome? Maybe. Talking about what they would do better next time or if the chance comes? Maybe. One thing is for sure is that this is certainly not an Aspie specific issue and I know that some people here could wake up and quit blaming things on being an Aspie.

browsing around here and replying to some messages over the last couple years suggest that a lot of people would rather be single, or don't know how to be supportive of a partner in a relationship (some may misinterpret support for having to be well off financially). There are those who get used and manipulated as well, and most of those people do what they can to make sure that never happens again. At the same time, others on here have enough experience dating people that they know full well what kinds of people to weed out and move forward from.

Then we also get the occasional socioeconomic types of posts that suggest that people diagnosed can't get ladies because they have no power, or good enough jobs or enough money to convince a girl to stay and that these girls would marry up anyway. Ladies coming in here complaining about their partners may complain about money making, but for the most part it is about how supportive their partner is emotionally. The lady feels like she cant talk to the male because he won't listen to her. These complaints about these marriages or relationships often contradict the belief that it's all about money or socioeconomic status.

So yes, that being said... there is definitely more to it than loving yourself and your fellow man friends. My man friends can teach me about how to be manly, but many of them haven't a clue about how to be supportive in a relationship.

My experience tells me that women are the people to talk to if you want to know about what women want, how to approach a women. All the guys I listened to gave me dumb advice based on stereotypes of women. I've learned more in six months coming here than the 29 years that preceded that. I learned it from women trying to explain things from their perspective. When you stop thinking about manipulating a woman into having sex with you and start seeing women as human beings who happen to be female, it becomes a lot easier to have a relationship with them (any kind of relationship from acquaintance to spouse).

The other stuff I agree with--especially the part about having a good relationship with yourself.