Rejection That Makes No Sense

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Yes, every guy believes he's read things accurately. See the endlessly long thread about nonverbal signals.

to the OP: are you aware that another possible explanation for the behaviour of the women in the office that you described is that they identified you as someone potentially threatening/problematic/creepy, and that is why they watch you and act nervous around you? i think you may want to consider the possibility that you've interpreted the feedback the way you have because of wishful thinking. is there anyone else who has witnessed your interactions with these women that you could talk to and ask what is their interpretation of the women's behaviour?

i think the clearest message this woman has sent you is the rejection of your friend request on facebook. probably you should just respect her decision and leave her alone, so as to be safe and not cause any problems for yourself. save your energy for someone who is more interested in knowing you.

It's all in your head, kiddo.

It's a possibility. I mean it never occurred to me before that someone might misread "I'm acting nervous and smiling because you make me nervous and I'm polite but hoping to move you along asap" as "She's acting nervous and smiling because she digs me." But I can see how it might happen.

Nervous and smiling plus reject facebook request equals "I hate this person and OHgod he seems creepy and stalkery but I can't appear hateful in person".

It seems like you people just want me to be wrong and are not even trying to think properly about this issue. Screw all of you.
(Most of you.)

Mate, she declined your Facebook attempt. If she really was interested she would have accepted it. As it is, you need to leave her alone and forget about it. She doesn't owe you an answer and you're never going to get it.

No, it's just that the scenes you're describing don't make a lot of sense if the women involved really are into you. Which means that -- even though you may not want to believe it -- you're probably misreading at least some of these women.

But Kezzstar is right.

She at least owes him an apology for not being outright and direct, many women ego stroke others or enjoy being ego stroked themselves.

She owes him nothing!

She only knows him at all because he used to go into her workplace, and when he was there he made her nervous. Despite his insisting that "he could tell that she liked him" there are no signs whatsoever that she did - quite the opposite. The fact that the OP rejects responses on this thread which don't support his own perspective make it look increasingly like his interest in her was extremely unwelcome.

Being nervous is not "ego stroking".

Last edited by Marcia on 12 Aug 2014, 4:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

No she doesn't. It sucks, but the rejected party is never owed anything by the rejector. I didn't owe my ex anything, and the guy who rejected me doesn't owe me anything.

What exactly is it that people prefer about the silent treatment/fading, rather than being direct and forthright?

For the records, the rejections or friendship endings I have experienced have mostly been direct, but the reasons I got were very strange.

In this particular case, the woman had no relationship with the OP, so not communicating with someone you don't have relationship with can't really be described as the silent treatment. Rejecting a friend request on Facebook from someone you don't have a relationship with isn't "fading".

I meant in general, not in this particular case.

It could be a number of factors:

-plain ol' cowardice
-fear of retaliation
-a general dislike of the person or being near them/discomfort

I was completely open with my ex about why I left him (his parents, his refusal to pull his weight), but in no way was he entitled to that. I just chose to be nice about it seeing it was a long-term relationship.

Fading is a heinous way to end an extended relationship. I wouldn't mind getting faded after one date, but after a long romantic involvement? Angry doesn't even BEGIN to describe how I'd feel.

Fading gets you out of having to explain the situation to someone who doesn't really want to hear it, like if it's something embarrassing or something someone would find hurtful (I'm cheating on you with your best friend, you smell gross, etc.). I don't believe in lying to anyone either, and fading spares you both that whole "it's not you, it's me" bs.

The horrible thing about fades, assuming they end a LTR, is they are not actual breakups. They're just?nothing. The faded person doesn't understand that they've been dumped. You can say "I don't owe anyone?[whatever]" all you want, but the least you can do is verbalize "Hey, I don't owe you an explanation. We're done. Get out of my life and never contact me in any way ever again." At least unequivocally give the other person THAT much. Faders don't even give you that. They leave you feeling you're still in a relationship when you're not. That's a horrible way to treat someone. It's bad enough you're ending the relationship at all. You should at least break up with the person you're breaking up with.

Unless the person you're going to fade is psychotic, the relationship is particularly bad, or there's not really a serious relationship there in the first place, fading is just a middle school head game. It's immature and stupid. Adults should know better than to behave that way.