First date in 6 years, now what?

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In our house, we have but one rule:

Thou shalt not annoy.

Luh mentioned PUA tactics. In dating, there IS this sense of push-pull that builds sexual tension and is known to be highly effective. It is game-playing. It keeps things interesting and keeps people coming back. The underlying assumption is that women play the same games. I have no doubt this happens.

But it is HIGHLY annoying to look and act like a cool guy when you have no substance to back it up. Just like the girl who consistently falls for this mess is probably an airhead I’d have no interest in anyway. These are just people out for ONS. I think sly can do better.

Look, simple rule—do not annoy. If it doesn’t suit you to reply to a text, don’t reply right away. If you have a set time for that, she can wait. If I’m in the middle of choir rehearsal, soundcheck, or teaching a class, I ignore my texts. Even if it’s my wife. If I need to contact someone and it goes to voicemail, I leave a message if it’s important. I almost always reply eventually.

For initiating texts, I observe a corollary to the One Rule: The Rule Of Three. This applies to any repetitive behavior. One-time behavior might be unintentional. Twice, it’s intentional and meaningful on some level. Three times is the peak of effectiveness.

Example in classroom management:
1. Student is made aware of problem behavior, reminded of specific rule violation.
2. Student is given a warning.
3. Discipline.

Example in dating:
Day 1 after date: had a great time last night! How do you feel about going to ____ next Saturday?

(No response)

Day 2: I’ve been thinking about you. How was your day?

(No response)

Day 3: haven’t heard from you in a while. Everything ok? Just text me back when you get a chance.

(No response).

At this point you’re being ghosted. Time to move on.

The exception to the rule of three is when repetitive behavior forms a backdrop or context for a bigger picture. Like bowling, for instance. Or roller skating. Dancing. Meals. As long as you aren’t doing the same exact activities every single date, you’re ok.

My wife and I break up marital monotony in a carefully structured way. Happy hour on Tuesdays. Pizza night at home on Fridays. Head out of town once a month for “family night.” Our former favorite restaurant just had a grand reopening after being on hiatus for the last two years (TOTAL makeover. It’s really impressive). Sometimes we have to skip things, like when we’re traveling or if money is too tight. But we make a point of at least trying because sometimes having those activities or rituals are worth keeping the cohesiveness of our family and relationship. And more to the point: it’s not annoying.

You don’t have those demands after only one date, of course. You do, however, have to observe the rule: do not annoy.

I hope it goes well for Sly on his date.

I would say Sly has a decent chance this time.

It would be ridiculous, to me, to not answer texts send by a friend/lover/love interest.

What AngelRho said is totally true.

Well, I have never read a PUA book, but that's based on my personal experience.

So if me and PUA materials (based on other guys' experiences) reached to the same conclusion, then maybe there's some truth to it



That not what I said, I simply said not to bombard her with texts.



It's called self control; in order not to end up sounding desperate.

I wonder how many of these guys are in successful relationships...

I don’t like guys who play games.

I agree with this example AngelRho.

But I would omit the "I’ve been thinking about you" part, I would just keep it "Hi, how was your day?".

Right.

Let’s not take advice from someone who’s in a successful relationship.

Girls would hate to hear that a man they’re dating is thinking about them.

I probably wouldn't say "I've been thinking about you" very early on in the relationship. Some women are really scared when a man says that.

I would be scared, too, if some woman, after the first date, started expressing extreme ardor for me.

I feel like Twilight takes the "common-sensical" approach to things. What you see is what you get. Which shows a certain solidity of character.

My girlfriend literally said to me : "now I know how hard it is for guys to chase girls" ; she told me that after telling me how I was the first guy who didn't chase desperately after her, and it was her first time of being the chaser instead of chasee.

It's not games, it's just common sense and human nature - this also applies on job search and sales.

I don’t think that stating “I’ve been thinking about you” is expressing “extreme ardor.”

I mean, he shouldn’t be composing and reciting love poetry in her presence, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying you’re thinking of someone. You can even say that to a friend.

"I've been thinking about you" is extreme after a first date.

All women are different and like different things. Sly should really use his own judgment in the way he proceeds with this girl.

I just know that I wouldn’t want to chase someone who I didn’t think was interested in me.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 13 Jul 2018, 9:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I wouldn't chase either.

I think one has to gauge the situation. There truly are some women who are scared when a man says they're "thinking of them." I've experienced this myself.

I've had obsessive women who have said that to me. It makes me a little scared if a woman says that to me after only knowing me a very short time.

This sort of statement can also be used as sort of a con by manipulative types of both genders.

Ideally, of course, a man or woman should always say what's on their minds.

I think Sly should just follow his instincts, trust himself, and do what feels right.

Getting relationship advice from L&D is like the blind leading the blind.

Also, good luck.

^^^ You're a trip.

Seriously, it's true, Sly. Use your instincts. But also use common sense.