How to detect Narcissists (common partner for AS/Asperger's)

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Talk to her openly and honestly, tell her what you "need" but not as in what she MUST give you, but as in what you need to be able to trust, respect, and handle someone..

Warn her sometimes you may need to be alone, for her and your safety, and ask her how she feels about these differing circumstances..

Thats just my opinion though.

I have had some narcissistic psychopath girlfriends/female aquaintancies. I let them pay dearly for treating me like s**t, so to speak...

I used to punish them, because though I find a lot of things hard to understand, I find it very easy to determine someons key drive or desire, and I would f**k with that.

Recently however, I've realised the pointlessness of revenge, I gain nothing out of it, anothers pain never makes me feel better, however deserving.

Interesting. I believe I figured out what was wrong with my ex girlfriend. She was my only long term relationship and it was boring and sometimes miserable. I am middle aged and told that I probably have AS. When young I could not date. After my 30's I gained the ability to put on an act to get one night stands with drunk girls at clubs. They love jerks, so I act like one to get laid. Only one of these ever turned into a long relationship.
She had many Narcisist behaviors, but she was stupid and a drunk. She always bragged that she was so hot and that she was hotter than all other women. She had OCD behaviors, pretended to be scared all the time, cried a lot, claimed to be religious, was racist. If I disagreed with her, she would go crazy. And yes, she once soiled herself when she was angry! She tried to dominate me through guilt and telling me I could not do better than her.
However, she was stupid. I gained the ability to pretend all sorts of things, so I simply pretended to be effected by her manipulations. I spent several years pretending to care about her "problems", so as to learn how to manipulate her kind. She had no idea that I was playing with her. I did not feel bad since she deserved it. Eventually, the alcohol and bad diet caught up with her. She got fat and grew a turkey neck. I sent my Narcisist away.
Having AS gives me the ability to be mean too.

Narcissists are common partners for AS people? Really? I've always disliked those kinds of people. My sister being the sole exception.

Chain, thanks again for this -- immensely educational and entertaining. Please do write up other pieces like this on other personality types you notice.

Lots of NTs think Aspies are Narcissists so I guess we should avoid dating other Aspies

I was thinking about this some more (that's how good a post it is) -- and I have some questions, since sometimes I have struggled with my own notions of whether or not I might have N or BPD qualities or problems -

1. Do N's and BPD's ever become self-aware of their issues? I can predict that they would probably be in serious denial and see any attempt to steer them that way as an attack on their ego, but at some point, you would think the evidence would become overwhelming, or that they might even want to do some self-help when they get tired of burning through friends.

2. Can one come back from being a N or BPD, or are they screwed?

3. I've done some research myself (in an attempt to self-diagnose, though I've been told that generally isn't a good idea or accurate) -- most of my research on both N and BPD was on wikipedia. Besides the personal connection you mentioned, and your great observations (I really love them, they are to a level of granularity that I can really appreciate), do you have any online sources you can recommend?

4. To some degree, are not aspects of the N and BPD personalities somewhat normal (though not always positive), in terms of people doing bad behavior in everyday life? Also, I worry about things like OCD being linked to N here, as clearly disorders like OCD can be co-morbid, but unrelated, to the narcissistic or borderline behavior.

Sorry about the double post. Stupid computer

After reading this, I suspect that my may a narcissist. She has Cerebral Palsy and cannot walk without assistance, and often needs help with common chores like laundry. These are some of the signs I noticed in hindsight:
She was coming on to me strongly, following me a lot and being very friendly. I suspected she liked me but wasn't sure, until she pulled me aside and outright told me.
We had only started dating, and after less than a week, she told a mutual friend that we're "an item now" while I was present.
She was emotionally manipulative, often telling me things I wanted to hear. Example: I always saving her from falling and getting hurt, and that's so sweet", or when I first saw her wet herself because of her CP, she thought I'd break up with her right away, and I didn't, so that's how she knows she's in love with me. When I experienced doubts about a relationship with someone who's physically disabled, she very subtly gave me a guilt trip over it. She even got me to stay in college an extra year, by acting all sad that I was going to graduate and go away.
She often talked about other men as she was confident in that she could've dated anyone she wanted in high school, including football players, if her USAF father hadn't scared them all away. But she made sure to periodically drop little tid-bits to remind me that no other girl would date me, such as mentioning comments from her classmates "that's your BF, echww!", or that when we met I reminded her of the last puppy in pound with that "Pick me! Pick me!" look in his eyes.
She always kept close to me whenever neither of us had work or classes. She pulled me around everywhere with her, and I was rarely allowed to go anywhere on my own. Her social circle became my social circle (although being an Aspie, I was largely responsible for that last part myself). I was expected to follow her every whim. Whenever she was angry with someone, I was expected to not be friends with that person. When I picked up a brochure about Ron Paul, because I didn't know anything about him and wanted to see what he's about, she angrily said that there's no way I'm voting for him. She also said that if McCain won the election, "we" are moving to Canada. She didn't bother to ask me how I felt about that.
I helped her with everything: getting dressed in the morning, vacuuming her floor, washing her dishes, doing her laundry, etc... I knew that she was capable of washing her dishes with little help, but did it anyway. She did things to show support for me, but looking back, I can tell that "show" was the operative word. Right before she broke up with me, she admitted that she had been manipulating me to do her chores the whole time.
She acted around me like she had no interest in alcohol, because I don't drink. But acted differently with her girlfriends when I wasn't around.
She's highly critical of everyone. All the girls she went to high school with were sluts, and her roommate smelled like urine.
She thought that everybody was stalking her. There was a professor with "reputation", that she "knew" was giving her low grades because she didn't sleep with him, and she was certain he was aggressively after her, to the point of fearing that he might rape her.
She is obsessed with anything supernatural, and believes that she has been seeing ghosts most of her life. She griped about how old movies depicted vampires sleeping in coffins, because that's something Hollywood made up and isn't "real" vampire lore, but is obsessed with Twilight, which we all know depicts vampire lore in a sparklingly faithful fashion.
Even in bed she was all take no give. For two years, she usually slept in the same bed with me, but never would have sex. I regularly gave her oral sex, and she often talked about "returning the favor" but never did.
And finally, when I was out of college and struggling to find a job, she called me a bum and a loser and broke up with me over the phone. And all of a sudden I was this horrible mistake in her life, and I had been abusive and controlling, yelling at her all the time and forcing her to have sex with me etc...

Was she really a Narcissist, or just someone who was kind of F'ed up from being disabled and having limited choices in life?

I don't mean this in a nasty way, because I too have been in a situation where my supply exceeded demand for me , but is it possible the relationship and the way it went were more a result of two people, not in steady demand (despite her protests to the contrary), who were somewhat desperate to get together, and the results of that ill-fit?

I mean, the circumstances were hardly ideal for you and her. She had her disability, which I'm sure scared away 90% of potential suitors -- just that alone is enough to screw somebody up and incentivize them to act unethically in her desperation to get someone, including that whole bag of dirty tricks you mentioned.

Her comments about your desperation were pretty harsh, and probably not entirely true, but was there a nugget of truth to them? Did you seem like that lonely puppy in the store window, waiting for someone to buy you? One of the common factors here for a lot of the single guys (and some gals) is that indeed there are a lot of desperate people without dates here. This doesn't mean they are bad people, but it does mean that they might be more likely, out of desperation, to get into less than ideal relationships. Maybe she was being truthful, and nasty, but also doing what she could to create the impression that you couldn't do better than her?

I can't help but feel more sorry for her than some of the other N's (if she is one) that get mentioned here. No, she doesn't get a free pass for bad behavior or making your life tough, but you got into the relationship too, you weren't forced.

Is it maybe a good life lesson for the next relationship, or future ones?

I don't know if she is an N or not, but I do know that she was deliberately manipulative, and then a total witch once I was no longer a convenience to her.
And yes, being disabled did make life tough on her. But like you said, that doesn't give her a pass to manipulate and hurt others. From what I've heard, she has alienated every friend she once had by this point. So its not just me.
Yes, I was desperate. I had never been good at getting girls. I did ask out girls when I liked them, but was always rejected. so there was some truth there. But that doesn't change the fact that she used that to manipulate me.
And yes, I did make the choice to be in a relationship with her. It was a mistake that I am responsible for. But that's true of anyone who has been in an abusive relationship.

Ok, I'm glad you took that the right way --

For reference, more than half of my GF's I got involved with in some sense of desperation --

--desperate to get laid the first time
--desperate to have a GF after a long break, or a bad relationship that ruined my confidence

When I look back, most of the desperate relationships didn't work out so well, and one really really did work out well, so I hope it didn't sound like I was putting too much blame on you. We do what we can, we work with what we have, and we try to be happy with the results.

From what you say, it does sound like she was particularly nasty and manipulative, N or not.

I am so gullible haha. I have been going back and forth for three years with someone who exhibited all the signs from the beginning. At one point I thought I was literally going insane and kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I have weak boundaries and just spent three years with someone that never listened to a word I said while pretending this was love. I'm trying hard not to verbally abuse myself but my God....how stupid....

One big one is anytime you are attempting to bring up issues that need work they will immediately exaggerate what you are saying by acting like you are saying they are the devil and completely worthless or their kids are or whatever it is to get sympathy and to divert the conversation...ha conversation...back to themselves and manipulate you into giving them praise. Thanks for the post. Enlightening and freeing.

I didn't finish the whole thing......but I am a bit confused so far are we talking about people with Narcissistic PD, people with narcissistic traits or humans in general. I mean it seems like you just about mentioned every negative human behavior as being narcissism...I mean based on that post its as if I should just not interact with people at all since most people in general are probably guilty of those on occasion.

As someone with BPD, I really find this offensive.

I am sick of the myths, people making out we are liars and manipulators. We are NOTHING like NPD. We HATE ourselves. You try and find someone with BPD who even likes just their personality, because you won't. We hate our looks and our personality. We do not use people and we do not treat people like people with NPD do.

All we are is innocent emotional people who have been abused all our life, and we have only been taught to scream when we're upset.

We have FEAR OF ABANDONMENT, because all we have ever experienced in life, is people abandoning us.

Anyone who commented on BPD being the same as NPD, you clearly have NO experience with someone with BPD, or even NPD. We are NOTHING alike.
We are actually more likely to hook up with someone with NPD, because we are so used to abuse we just accept it. We also like to fawn over the other person, so them fawning over themselves is just an addition and makes it easier to love and praise the other person.