My girlfriend told me I am greedy and selfish, am I?
Laurentius
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 27 Jul 2014
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 49
Location: The North-West of the UK
You're not selfish at all. I have been with my girlfriend a shorter time than you, but we both agree to split bills unless one of us has specifically stated we are treating the other i.e. I say "I'm taking you out tonight" or vice versa. Once you've been with someone a while you can't be expected to be paying for everything at all times. It has to become an equal share, 50/50 deal with dates, otherwise it becomes a real chore.
Your girlfriend is finding some form of validation in you paying for things, I think, which is why she's insistent, maybe you should try to find a compromise with her? And on a similar note, she should not be comparing your relationship to others, it is not a competition, it's a relationship. You're supposed to care about what you two are doing, not what the other couples are doing and trying to 1up or compete with them. It's ludicrous and it is not fair on you.
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"Become what you are." - Nietzsche, taken from Pindar
"A Gentleman is never rude. Except on purpose." - Christopher Hitchens
Okay thanks. I was told by some others that she does really love me, she just thinks that she equates love with money, and feels that in order to show love, you have to show it through monetary affection.
Now when we are together we have a lot of fun, and we have a lot of things in common. It's just this one flaw she has, but is the flaw big enough that she can't learn and grow from it, even though it's been a couple of months? Or how can I explain to her, that a pre-nup is not what she thinks and she is looking at it the wrong way, because there will still be plenty of love to be shared in the marriage?
If breaking up is the only option, and it has really come to that point, how should I break it off exactly, the best way, in this situation? Should I say, either you sign it or we can't get married, or what is the best way? Is that the only option left, and we cannot work this out?
Now when we are together we have a lot of fun, and we have a lot of things in common. It's just this one flaw she has, but is the flaw big enough that she can't learn and grow from it, even though it's been a couple of months? Or how can I explain to her, that a pre-nup is not what she thinks and she is looking at it the wrong way, because there will still be plenty of love to be shared in the marriage?
If breaking up is the only option, and it has really come to that point, how should I break it off exactly, the best way, in this situation? Should I say, either you sign it or we can't get married, or what is the best way? Is that the only option left, and we cannot work this out?
I would make sure she understands exactly what the pre-nup is and why you are asking her to sign it. And yes, if she does not sign it i think that should be a deal breaker. No pre-nup, no nuptials. Whether or not she can learn and grow out of her immaturity, i cannot say. I guess anything is possible but with what you have said on this forum, i would not take an optimistic view of the situation.
But her demanding that you show her love by buying her stuff, and you complying because she demands it, is going to seriously stunt any growth she could have in that department. She needs to have financial boundaries set before she can grow in this area. IMO, if she really loves you, she will love you for yourself and not what you can buy for her. Just my 2 cents.
_________________
"Them that don't know him don't like him,
and them that do sometimes don't know how to take him;
He ain't wrong, he's just different,
and his pride won't let him
do things to make you think he's right."
-Ed Bruce
The reason why differences over financial matters can be a deal breaker is that there usually isn't enough money to do everything you want. So, you start putting things on the credit card and paying ridiculous money on interest payments which is a quick recipe for financial disaster.
Ding ding ding.
Most of heterosexual men's anxieties are caused by a lack of attention from the opposite sex, whereas most of heterosexual women's anxieties are caused by the wrong kind of attention from the opposite sex. And being perfectly frank here, being single is better than being used and abused. Not sure why we need so many banal "that feel when no gf" threads.
Another very common heterosexual man anxiety is the fear of the financially-conditioned love (losing job = losing her).
We men fear that as much as women fear that the love from their men might be very sex/looks-conditioned.
A former colleague and friend of mine, a graphic designer (in my former workplace) probed a lot into her fiancée's mind just to make sure she doesn't care about his money and status, he told her he could only afford a tiny house, he asked her a lot of 'what if...' questions; he watched her reciprocity in paying when they go out, he watched her reactions to gifts, he watched her willingness to buy him gifts, he watched her how she reacts to any hardship, he watched her reaction to his poor car...etc. He married her, and two other colleagues (both males) got married in the same summer.
2 year passed, company unexpectedly went bankrupt, we all lost our jobs for a while and it took us long months to find new ones, my friend's wife (who works as fresh graduate kindergarten teacher, so it's a very low paying job - while him as graphic designer he didn't accumulate much wealth) sticked to her husband during 6 months of unemployment (they recently had a baby after him finding a job.) while the two other colleague's marriages collapsed in an ugly way a month after the job loss, both divorces were initiated by the wife (despite their wives work in much higher positions, one is senior manager, the other is senior CFO, the latter had to convert to Christianity to marry her guy). Coincidence? I think not.
My friend's approach proved to be wiser, he knew wisely how to pick.
Read this again. The problems a couple has before marriage often get worse after marriage. Your different views on finances have a huge potential for a myriad of misunderstandings and misery, but above all, you don't know what the future will bring. You want a partner who stands by you through thick and thin (while doing the same for them), not somebody who will kick you when you're down.
I speak as someone who married rather late and chose carefully. I will always be grateful for how my wife acted and what she did for me when I was at my worse. There's nothing in the world that can replace this.
Long story short: keep dating this woman if you really want to but don't even think of marriage.
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"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." Aldous Huxley
Long story short: keep dating this woman if you really want to but don't even think of marriage.
I agree with everything in this post except the above highlighted phrase. I don't think she sounds worth your time, period.
_________________
"Them that don't know him don't like him,
and them that do sometimes don't know how to take him;
He ain't wrong, he's just different,
and his pride won't let him
do things to make you think he's right."
-Ed Bruce
Okay thanks. Lately for the past couple of months though, there hasn't been any issues with money, accept for her recent thing about the restaurant I mentioned. But she payed for it herself and did not expect me to pay.
She even told me that she was sorry for before two months ago, and that is why she hasn't been about money lately. It's only the pre-nup thing, that maybe suggests she is now. However, the question is, has she really changed, or is she just giving me a reprieve?
I will talk to her about the pre-nup and what it really is, because she seems to have a very chauvinist view of it, perhaps. I told her already that the reason to sign is because of government red tape when it comes to my assets, but she says that that's not what it is, and government has nothing to do with a my intentions of getting her to sign one.
The point some of us were trying to make is that beside your assets, you also have to protect yourself. The pre-nup won't protect you. The question here would be not just "will I lose everything if we get a divorce?", but "will this woman stand by me if I lose everything?".
You consider her a good match, maybe you love her too - have you considered therapy? If equating love with money is not sheer materialism on her part, but comes from a deprived childhood or some other factor that stunted her emotional growth, a professional might help her with that.
_________________
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." Aldous Huxley
nerdygirl
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,645
Location: In the land of abstractions and ideas.
She sounds very whiny and manipulative here.
If you want to, keep dating her. Two months is not long enough to know if she has settled down in the money area.
*However*, people are inherently who they are. I highly doubt that her attitude towards money and expressions of love have changed. I have been married 18 years. In many ways, my husband and I are still both exactly the same as when we first got married. The core of who we are is still there. Have we changed some? Of course. But not in the deep-down core.
Life is difficult. Marriage can be great because you have someone to help you through that difficulty. But marriage can also be very hard because there can be a lot of conflict about priorities. No one can have what they want all the time. Marriage also brings to light things about your spouse that *were there* before you got married but you either didn't notice (except looking back) or didn't understand the implication of.
Think of the worst trait of your potential spouse. Multiply it by at least 10. Then imagine a child who has the same troubling trait. Then compound it by years of it bothering you. Then ask yourself if you can live with it.
I'm not saying that one *can't* live with these troubling traits (or else no one would ever get married!) But I *am* saying that one must be exceedingly careful about choosing who to marry. Divorce is a very messy thing. One must be committed beyond committed to make a marriage last.
While the OP's girl may indeed feel romantic feelings about him, she also feels pragmatic ones. Like many women, she expects that her fiance will support her financially after the wedding, and will probably "lose" or quit her job fairly quickly--certainly by the time the first baby arrives. At that point, she never has to work again, and he will end up paying all of her old debts himself (including her student loans and all that money she borrowed from the exes.) He'll be trapped, because it will be "cheaper to keep her", as the divorce lawyers say; if he does divorce her, she gets half of everything and spousal support paid by court order.
PS The OP should ask to look at her phone sometime when she isn't expecting it. If she won't let him look at her texting history, she's still flirting with those exes. There's no other reason for them to loan her money.
PS The OP should ask to look at her phone sometime when she isn't expecting it. If she won't let him look at her texting history, she's still flirting with those exes. There's no other reason for them to loan her money.
Actually, nowadays in most places both parents must work to support children unless one or both are already independently wealthy. Most women know this and expect to have to go back to work once the baby is born to be able to afford to take care of it.
And the courts tend to divide things more equitably based on what the partners brought to the marriage and contributed during the marriage. I just talked to a guy I knew in college who divorced on amicable terms--turned out that he ended up with HER house as she decided that she really didn't want it. But, these things differ by state and country, just like disability support and benefits.
PS The OP should ask to look at her phone sometime when she isn't expecting it. If she won't let him look at her texting history, she's still flirting with those exes. There's no other reason for them to loan her money.
Actually, nowadays in most places both parents must work to support children unless one or both are already independently wealthy. Most women know this and expect to have to go back to work once the baby is born to be able to afford to take care of it.
Not always do both parents have to work. We found that until our kids were in school, it did not pay me to work. I do not have a college degree so my earnings were less (but then no massive student loans either). I worked full time til our 2nd child came along, then the cost of babysitting for 2 kids took such a large chunk of my paycheck that we were actually financially better off for me to stay home with kids and allow hubby to work more overtime. If i had not quit after the 2nd child, i definitely would have after the 3rd. At that point, i would have been paying for the privilege of working. It is not an issue of laziness on my part, but that it financially does not make sense.
It was not a "free ride" for me--i worked long hours at home and stayed alone with the kids a lot while hubby worked long hours and irregular schedules. We bought a 100 yr old house that was still sturdy but not expensive to pay for. We lived by the "use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without."
Kids are older; now, i am back to work part time and our finances have a little more "wiggle room." But if I had to pay babysitting, it would still not be worth it. (not to mention with our youngest having ASD i have to be selective about babysitting i use.) I am fortunate enough to have jobs that are accommodating around my kids' school hours. If it were not for that, i would probably still not be working outside my home.
_________________
"Them that don't know him don't like him,
and them that do sometimes don't know how to take him;
He ain't wrong, he's just different,
and his pride won't let him
do things to make you think he's right."
-Ed Bruce
Okay thanks. Well I could break up with her as suggested, but it's really hard because not only do I love her so much, but I feel that it might be a mistake, and that she is the one maybe.
I mean she hasn't brought up anything about money in a long time, and I think she is scared of loosing me if she does. Is this character flaw of hers enough for a break up? Everything about the relationship has been good and better since she hasn't brought up any problems for a while, and everyone I know with a significant other, they all have character flaws, yet they make the relationship work.
If no relationship is perfect, is this really unfixable?
I mean she hasn't brought up anything about money in a long time, and I think she is scared of loosing me if she does. Is this character flaw of hers enough for a break up? Everything about the relationship has been good and better since she hasn't brought up any problems for a while, and everyone I know with a significant other, they all have character flaws, yet they make the relationship work.
If no relationship is perfect, is this really unfixable?
You said she hasn't brought up anything about money in a long time and things are better, why do you want to break up now?
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