Physical attractiveness — a rant

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Dating sites/apps get talked about a lot on this forum & dating sites/apps tend to have lots of emphasis on looks. Aspies who are more conventionally physically attractive are more likely to get interest & messages. I remember a post where our site creator Alex recommended that guys get professional pictures of themselves for dating sites. Aspies who are less conventionally physically attractive are more likely to struggle with getting dates online.

I've never used a dating app. They probably aren't an ideal way for people on the spectrum to find someone. Of course, it doesn't hurt to try, I suppose.

I will agree that the second quote you highlighted is badly stated. One can admire objective physical beauty in another person without desiring physical relations with that person. Case in point: heterosexual men can admit to another man's objective handsomeness without desiring to sleep with another person. I can admire the objective beauty of a woman (as men use the term beauty) without wanting to sleep with her. I have learned the hard way not to judge a book by its cover.

If your goal is solely and simply to have sex with another person and then move on, and you accept MaxE's definition of what physical attractiveness means, then it's inarguable, imo. I don't accept his definition, but even working within that definition, MaxE consistently confuses this stated aim with talk about relationships and even marriage. It sometimes seems like he sees the sexual encounter as the first step in any given relationship, and people should concentrate on achieving that goal by any means necessary - for men that means lowering their standards, for women it means being more satisfying for men in bed.

^ Max seems to think that his preferences and experience reflect everyone else's to the point that he wants to rant about it and tell everyone how important physical appearance "actually" is. The reality is that we are all different and find different things important. Many don't need to "lower their standards" because they have different standards. Most women who aren't stereotypically good-looking but who have a modicum of self-respect will not try to compensate for their supposed flaws with sexual performance. They'll just continue looking until they find the right person, which is extremely sensible of them.

If love/finding love were always just as Max seems to describe it, I would give up on it entirely. It seems so sad, small, and empty.

It probably isn't ideal but it has worked for various members here. Introverted people have a harder time meeting others offline, especially if they live in more rural areas or don't like the typical things do in their area. Of coarse this is probably better suited for the spin-off thread.

As an introverted person in a less-than-ideal area, I still wouldn't want to use a dating app although they have obviously worked for some people.

Introverted people in less than ideal areas are exactly who online dating is meant for.

It's not meant for TwilightPrincess. She'd rather stay single than use a dating app.

Saying a sexual encounter is always the first step is taking an extreme interpretation, but for me this was the case a couple of times. I'll admit those relationships had less than optimal outcomes, but in other relationships the sex happened before truly deep feelings developed. That's not how it happens in Hollywood but it's what I've experienced. Even my wife was more eager to do the deed than I once she decided she was comfortable with the idea. At that point she only been on a couple of dates but she hadn't had sex for about 5 years as I understand it and she was ready. The longest relationship I was in previously was with somebody who thought I took an unnecessarily long time making a move.

My first sexual experience followed a different trajectory but that's too long a story for here.

A couple general comments.

Some respondents on this thread have never had a problem attracting interest from the "opposite sex". My OP wasn't intended for those people but they've had a lot to say anyway, which is their right but they may need to understand that may be why my words don't speak to them.

Also I believe some respondents have previously identified as demisexual or asexual. My OP doesn't really speak to them either. Please accept my apology.

Finally I hasten to point out that physical attractiveness isn't just a matter of appearance. Behavior, body language, etc. are all part of it. Some comments seem not to acknowledge that.

I was very mildly attractive a few years ago, but I'm not now. At this point, the inner person is all I've got. Sad, I know, but I could still find someone without having to resort to...other tactics. Personality and common interests/goals can go a long way.

Even if members aren't demisexual, every person is a unique individual and will find different things important. We aren't all the same. Your experience does not reflect everyone else's.

That's fair.

I notice people have completely ignored this statement without a word of sympathy or acknowledgement. Instead, they continue to implore that your opinion is wrong or they can’t believe you.

This thread makes me sick.

Thank you.

I think it says a lot about them and could explain their preferences, especially considering the fact that they are telling women to use sexual performance to attract a man. It's pretty disturbing to do that on WP, taking into account the experience of many of our female posters which was outlined in recent threads.

The sensitivity and empathy are nonexistent. I guess their views on love and finding love shouldn't surprise me at this point. I'm just glad that not everyone thinks like they do. What a bleak place the world would be.

But I'd caution against concluding that people who have less success are physically less attractive than other people.

My own experience in my late teens and early 20s was of feeling I must be deeply unattractive to women because none of them seemed interested in me beyond friendship. I didn't have sex until I was 23. That's pretty late by most standards, although I appreciate there are guys here who are older than that and haven't got there yet. I can remember feeling desperate to have a girlfriend at this time and feeling very inadequate that I hadn't lost my virginity.

The reality, I came to realise later, is that I was completely oblivious to the signals from women who did find me attractive in that way. A girl once literally put her arms around my neck and whispered "I want to f*ck you" in my ear and I still didn't get the message. It was another 4 years before I actually slept with someone. I'm pretty special

Of course my obliviousness isn't going to be everyone's problem, but its proof that other explanations exist. It can't be the only one.

That said, I wasn't particularly good looking. I was pretty geeky looking. My hair started falling out when I was 16 and not in that cool receding from the sides way that makes you look older, mine went straight back from the middle. I looked terrible, in my own estimation. Most girls who liked me, I think, found me funny - I know I don't do much 'funny' on WP but I can be funny - and enigmatic (which was mostly just social awkwardness). Also I was genuinely interested in them for reasons other than sex. I just liked talking to them mostly, making them laugh.

Your advice would have been terrible for me and I think I would have fallen well within your target audience.

Your advice seems to be lower your standards for sex and a relationship will follow. My advice would be concentrate on being the best person you could possibly be, the best friend (friends first approach) and the relationships and sex will follow.

This is my issue

I live in a rural area and can't get out to meet people because of that and I don't have a car plus the transit bus does not come out here

Online dating apps or Day Program is my best choice at finding true love!