I cannot believe I haven't had sex yet!

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He probably ended up in prison because like what was said earlier in this thread our justice system is so f****d up and especially the California justice system

The report mentioned vandalism as his ONLY major offense

I wouldn't spend money on a background check unless you've asked around and it feels like you're not getting the full story. Although if it comes to that, you probably won't want to date him anyway.

I already looked at his report

What kind of vandalism did he do, and why?

You probably don't want to end up with a partner who will trash your belongings when he gets angry. So it would probably behoove you to learn more about his vandalism incident and how it does nor does not fit in with the rest of his personality.

Was it vandalism like graffiti, or vandalism like destroying property?
Against a private citizen, or a business / in public?
What was the total dollar value of damages?

Was he taking part in a protest like BLM, or was this spontaneous like a meltdown?
It could have been premeditated too.

Also if that was his major offence what are his minor offences?

It’s not that bad, not even in California. This isn’t Saudi Arabia.

Even in the best of circumstances, I think you should wait until he’s been out for a while and you can see what he’s like in the real world. There’s no rush. If he’s worth it, he will understand.

See if he strives to engage in other illegal activity once he’s out. See what he’s like in person. See how he handles reintegration into society, like trying to get a job. See if you can perceive anger issues. See what sort of people his friends are like. That sort of stuff.

Your thinking is logical and rational, but an awful lot of people are far less logical and rational than you are. People commonly do illogical and irrational things. This can include, for example, regularly participating in WrongPlanet despite having no association with autism.


True, but it's risky, and you need considerable experience and intelligence in order to judge whether it's safe enough to have a relationship with someone in prison. You probably have this capability. Do you think the OP has this capability? I doubt it very much.

My answer to your question is, I don't have enough information to know.

I stand by this:

Having dated someone who’s been to prison and had friends who were in and out, my natural inclination is to say that you should ditch him and find someone else. You seem vulnerable, and I think you could easily be manipulated by someone who does NOT have your best interests at heart.

If you decide to meet him, make sure you do so in a public place where there are lots of people. Don’t have sex right away. He should understand and be willing to take things VERY slow. If not, he’s not worth your time.

It’s also highly unadvisable to marry someone before you’ve had sex.

Absolutely.

Mikurotoro92, here's a better plan. This is better than your exceedingly difficult plan. Firstly, learn how to use cosmetics, styling, and clothing to make yourself look beautiful. It doesn't matter if you're currently ugly. Ugly women can also make themselves beautiful. After you've made yourself beautiful, start searching for a wealthy older man who wants a younger trophy-wife. This process is known as "gold digging".

Have sex before marriage, and take time to decide whether the relationship can succeed long-term. When you're ready, marry your wealthy old man and enjoy the luxurious lifestyle of living in a mansion, and never having to work a day in your life, and never having to suffer an exploitative employer, bullying in the workplace, etc.

This gold-digging plan is better than your plan, but honestly the best advice is what the women in this forum said to you. You should really follow their advice, but if you won't heed their wise advice, then the gold-digging plan is less bad than your plan of trying to transform an ex-con into a good guy via the power of your love.

Better yet:

Renew your library card and find a good book to read. Fantasy love is always better than the real thing, anyway.

If you’re feeling extra adventurous, perhaps you could also make a pot of tea.

Yeah, I know from experience that that does not work (the transforming an ex-con strategy, not the gold-digging one. I haven’t tried that).

Almost any option is better than marrying an ex-con. The chance of him being a good partner is quite slim. I think people on here tend to focus on the exception to the rule rather than on the blatantly obvious.

The OP is naïve and vulnerable based on her posting history, so she needs to be extremely cautious when it comes to partners. One should even be cautious about believing the stories criminals provide. Many people who’ve been to jail claim to be innocent when they aren’t.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 06 Aug 2023, 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

Mikurotoro92, it's obvious that IsabellaLinton's plan is clearly the best plan, but if you insist on rejecting her wise advice, then don't forget about the option of joining the non-working upper class by being a bubbly-headed gold-digger with a luxurious lifestyle

Yes, that's clearly true, and furthermore, many people who have not been to jail also claim to be innocent when they aren't.